How to Spot a Werewolf

A few years back, I remember walking from bar to bar in Portland when a friend of mine noticed the full moon, and for no particular reason I said to her "now would be a good time to tell you I suffer from werewolfism so you might want to watch out if I start foaming at the mouth". Rather than ignore this, since of course werewolves are mythological, she pointed out that in fact she had seen me on many full moon nights without transforming into any animal whatsoever, and therefore it was likely that I was not a werewolf at all. I remember thinking wow, she put more thought into that line of conversation than it deserved.

But with the end of the month approaching, we should all be aware that the moon affects many things, besides ocean tides, menstrual cycles (sorry ladies!) and lunacy (hence the root word, "luna" which is Latin for white fish). Is it possible that some friends among us suffer from werewolfism? One of my college roommates had an intense amount of back hair--he is of Iranian descent--but far as I could tell he didn't roam the streets slaughtering prey once a month. Or maybe he did--I wasn't the boss of him! But look for the following warning signs if you're afraid that a friend or loved one is a werewolf:

1) Comes over to your house and spends more time with your dog than you're comfortable with.

2) When you're having a cookout, he asks if he can just eat the steaks raw and unseasoned.

3) When you go target shooting with him, he keeps asking you to assure him that none of the ammunition you're using has any silver in it.

4) He listens to far too much Warren Zevon.

5) Every time you want to be buzzed in to his apartment, he asks whether there are any townspeople with torches trying to come in with you.

Wolfpersons Rule

With the upcoming Halloween season, not enough attention has been paid to Wolfmen (and Wolfwomen, for that matter). Sure, zombies have been big for a while--from the George Romero "Living Dead" series, where all you had to do to defeat a zombie was walk a bit fast, to the "28 Days Later" zombies which can run like Carl Lewis and don't seem all that interested in BRAIIINNS. And Vampires have always been popular, dating from the Christopher Lee and Bela Lugosi Draculas to the Buffy Vampire Slayer and teenybopper Twilight vampires. (Though I find the less charming and more frightening "Nosferatu" style animalistic vampires far more compelling!) But Wolfpeople have been getting short shrift by the pop culture--there hasn't been a good wolf movie since "American Werewolf in London" and that was a comedy.

Here's why wolfmen are better than zombies and vampires:

1) They only have to work once a month, so they totally make it worth it.

2) They're not scared of dogs, so they can totally hide under your porch if they have to.

3) Unlike vampires, they aren't scared of garlic, crosses, or sharp sticks. Only a silver bullet can do them in, and who keeps silver bullets around?

4) They can probably be tamed which would be pretty cool. Feeding one could be a bitch though.

5) Werewolves can act totally normal when it's not a full moon. Zombies and vampires are weird all the time.

6) At least one Wolf Man--Wolfman Jack--has been a successful rock and roll dee jay. How many vampires have been successful in broadcasting? Except Keith Olbermann, zero! And Zombie Glenn Beck is just no Wolfman Jack.

7) Pale skin or a lot of fur? We'd mostly prefer pale skin in dating partners, but these are monsters, people--fur is much more effective in keeping warm and deflecting attacks.

I think I presented a pretty solid case.

Blood Sucking Bastards

Everyone who knows me knows that garlic is in my blood. My last name means "of the garlic" and of course there is no family recipe that doesn't have a garlic component. I think it goes back to my earliest ancestors, who were garlic dealers to the czars. Needless to say, they spent much time at odds with vampires. (Who were the medieval equivalent of "emo kids")

My old college roommate was once asked to describe my cooking, and he said "pretty good, but always involves tons of oil and tons of garlic". And with modern science telling us that garlic has curative properties--and this was known for some time, since people tried fighting the bubonic plague with garlic and herbs--it's only natural that I try and stave off swine flu with heavy doses of garlic.

So Sunday while watching the Redskins lose again (hooray! Suck it, Dan Snyder) I whipped up a some linguini with a light garlic sauce and basil, to the extent that even now two teethbrushings and a shower later I still feel like I have garlic on my breath. And you know what? No swine flu and no vampires.

Of course, it is broad daylight right now....

In Soviet Russia, the Sexy Brings YOU Back

This weekend the gang was supposed to go on a long and arduous hike, led by a former Marine who refers to himself as "Gunny" (okay, he doesn't really do that, but we do have active imaginations in our gang). Sadly, it looks like an unseasonably cold and rainy weekend so we're tossing around "plan B" and no I don't mean morning after pills. Do you know how expensive those are? We'd be better off tossing around Advil.

The alternate plans for our day of hike have revolved around brewery tours, visiting Baltimore, bar crawling, indoor picnics, bowling, and going to Charles Town Racetrack because there's a fine filly in the fifth. It seems, though, that the rain has sapped everyone's energy and no one is taking action in deciding what it is we're going to do.

What we have here is a power vacuum. It's like Soviet Russia after the death of Lenin. Except more beer. Who will step up to the challenge? These are interesting times, folks...

Yes, I'm a Wordsmith. Bow Down Before Me!

Ever have one of those special occasions where you need to write just the right sort of thing on a card? Where you want to say just the right thing, but don't have the wordsmithing to do it? Well, fortunately I was an English Major, in that I majored in something at a college that was located in an English-speaking country. So my gift to you, my readers, is a set of some heartfelt words that apply in any occasion. Just write them in your special card!

1) "As a parent, you're much better than that lady who beat her kids with wire hangers. Even if you didn't win an Oscar."

2) "I'm sorry your pet turtle died. I'm sure it had nothing to do with your neglect as a pet owner."

3) "If I had to get kicked in the balls, it would be an honor if you were the one who did it."

4) "Congratulations on getting married. Hopefully your new husband will quit grabbing my ass at parties."

5) "Happy Bar Mitzvah. You should really trade those stock certificates for some lap dances while they're still worth something."

6) "There's never a good time to mention this, but your recently deceased father owed me a lot of money. And this funeral doesn't look cheap."

7) "Happy Baptism! I'm sure that dollop of water from a celibate man in a robe will be enough to keep your kid from going to hell."

8) "Happy wedding of your daughter! Since you're Sicilian and cannot refuse any requests today, I really need my car waxed. You might want to take off that tux first."

9) "Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary! Though if you don't count the three years you abandoned your family for the stripper in Reno, it's really your 47th."

10) "Happy graduation! Fuck you."

Review of Brian De Palma's "Carrie"

For those who haven't seen it, "Carrie" is the story of a high school girl who feels like a fish out of water. Always teased by the "cool kids" (and keep in mind this movie was from 1976, so big feathered hair, overalls--yuck!, and high waisted bell-bottoms were the unfortunate uniform for the "cool kids"--all Carrie would have had to do is point out how shitty they were dressed and it would have been all "oh, SNAP"), Carrie White felt all alone in the world, with her only ally being her gym teacher. This gym teacher is an interesting character, as she manages to violently slap a number of the girls in her gym class without getting fired and sued. Ah, 1976! When you could smack someone else's kid without reprisal!

(Interesting note--one of the mean girls is played by Edie McClurg, who also went on to play the secretary in Ferris Bueller's Day Off--"the dweebs, stoners...think he's a righteous dude"--so maybe seeing what happens to Carrie helped her empathize with Ferris' plight ten years later)

Anyway, Carrie also has a very religious mother who tends to get a bit stabby when her daughter wants to go to the prom. Why is Carrie going to the prom, you ask? Isn't she super-unpopular? Well, good question--it turns out that one of the popular girls, Sue, feels guilty for tossing tampons at Carrie (don't ask) and wants to make it up to her, so she forces her "heartthrob" boyfriend Tommy (and yes, heartthrobs in 1976 had flowing Jew-fros and wore lots of ruffles!) to take Carrie to the prom instead of her. Amazingly, he agrees, probably because of some promise of fetish sex that was left on the editing room floor. So, things are looking up for Carrie!

But hark! One of the mean popular girls, Chris, is pissed that due to picking on Carrie, she is barred from going to the prom with her own boyfriend Billy (played by a then-unknown John Travolta. So imagine how extra pissed Chris would be if she knew that her prom date would be Tony from Saturday Night Fever!). So Chris decides that maybe a glorified dance in the high school gym isn't all that it's cracked up to be, and maybe she and her boyfriend could instead go into town for a fancy dinner and dancing at a grown up club, followed by group sex at a swingers party. (After all, those were popular in the seventies). And in the process, Chris would learn a bit about growing up. Right?

Wrong! Chris instead decides that the best way to spend prom night is to (with Billy's help) slaughter a pig, collect the blood, rig the Prom Queen election so that Carrie wins, set up a bucket of the pigs blood (and by the way good thing the farmer wasn't around or Chris might have spent an evening having Billy pick bits of buckshot out of her ass with tweezers) on the rafters of the gym, and dump the blood on Carrie right after she gets crowned. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, it turns out that Carrie is telekinetic, which means she can use the power of her mind to move objects. While this would have made her quite excellent at a construction site--imagine lifing several tons of materials up the length of a skyscraper! The unions would have had a shit fit over that--it makes her quite dangerous to pull a nasty prank on. The sad irony is that Tommy, her reluctant date, was treating her nicely and probably realizing that Sissy Spacek (who played Carrie) was rather hot when she's all gussied up--meaning we might have seen some weird telekinetic sex play had this movie gone in a different direction.

So, Chris and Billy dump the blood on Carrie, and Carrie goes batshit, slamming the gym's doors closed, opening the firehoses which cause electrical shorts and turn the crowded gym into an inferno. This slaughters pretty much the whole school, including the gym teacher who tried to be nice to Carrie and hapless Tommy, though Carrie does manage to get out, stalking home covered in pigs blood.

When she gets home that night, her religious mother sees her blood-soaked daughter, and of course tries to stab her because she figures her telekinetic powers are an affront to God or something. Now, I've never had kids, but if my daughter comes home from prom covered in blood, I don't think I'd try stabbing her to death--telekinesis or not! Instead, I'd be all "hey, how was prom? What's with the pigs blood? You kids and your wacky traditions! In my day they served punch." But, Carrie's mother is no match for telekinesis and a set of kitchen implements, and soon she looks like a pin cushion. For some reason the house implodes though, seemingly killing them both.

What to take from this film? I think there are some clear lessons, like don't dump pigs blood on the weird girl since she might be able to destroy the town, and if your girlfriend asks you to take someone else to the prom then tell her to fuck herself. But more importantly, if you're a pig farmer, make sure you get some security system. Think of all the bacon that went to waste!

Things I'm Happy About

1) That my stomach ache went away. You never really can enjoy a non-achy stomach except right after you had an achy stomach.

2) That my car doesn't have a rocket launcher or battering ram, as they would have gotten ample use on the way to work this morning. Apparently all the dumbassery comes out around 9:15, and pulling halfway into the road is considered okay.

3) That my team of "spies" has been assembled for Halloween Hijinks. Now to find capes and cool hats.

4) That someone long ago found that boiling grains and sugars and adding yeast, and allowing it to sit the right amount of time, would have created sweet delicious beer. I don't think such a process ever would have occurred to me.

5) That having good friends around can make even the most uneventful day thoroughly enjoyable. This is how friends are like beer.