Campaign to Get Maker of "The Room" to Host SNL

Some time ago, fans of octagenarian comedic actress Betty White--who is the last surviving Golden Girl, incidentally--started a campaign on Facebook to get her to host Saturday Night Live, and the buzz this created went viral. Sure enough, this past season she did host, proving that a grass roots effort can even get through the cold, black heart of Lorne Michaels (a boss so fearsome he inspired Mike Meyers' character Dr. Evil. From the Austin Powers movies. Austin Powers was a spy spoof film franchise that started out pretty fresh and funny and then devolved into stale sequels. Mike Meyers now does voice overs for cartoons. Yes, it's sad).

The idea got some friends and I to thinking--what if a similar effort could be done to get arguably the best possible host for an episode of SNL? And what better host could there be than Tommy Wisseau, the auteur who created the film "The Room"? A film that will go down in infamy as perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious failure of a grand scale?

I'm just trying to picture the SNL cast attempting to work with Wisseau, with each scene devolving into directions they were never intended, with the comedy coming from every unexpected and unintended place. Story lines dropped, absurd twists that have nothing to do with the plot, and Wisseau's almost lovable earnestness about the whole thing. He couldn't even introduce the musical guest without making it hilarious.

I highly suggest everyone who has not seen this film to do so immediately, and to join this campaign to get SNL to bring Wisseau to their show. Come on, could it be worse than when Steven Segal hosted???

Heat Wave Tips

This heat wave has been lasting for weeks now, with very little end in sight. Fortunately we live in a world of modern conveniences, though to be sure in the olden days most of us probably would be splashing around in a pond and putting off any work or other business until it cooled off a bit. How people in the olden days--who wore a lot of heavy clothing and tricorner hats--decided to actually settle here is beyond me. If you had to go by pure comfort in those days, it would only make sense to settle no farther south than Maine.

When beating the heat down here in DC, there's only a few rules you need to learn:

1) AC--while it's merely optional during times when the humidity is low and heat stays below 80, it becomes a strict necessity when the mercury rises above 90. Fans and open windows won't do the trick here. Give in to modern technology.

2) Pools--get one, or get a friend with one. You dont' want to stay indoors all the time, and this way you can feel like you're doing something even if the something you're doing is just lazing about and splashing in the shallow end.

3) Booze--every time I have a beer during the winter, some nerd points out that alcohol lowers your body temperature. While I'm pummelling away at these people, I consider that if they're right then it stands to reason I should drink more in the summer. Stick with the lighter beers, and any drink with rum or vodak.

4) Dress down--forget anything fancy, you're going to have to look like crap during the heat wave. Shorts, loose shirts, sandals--yes it looks like crap but sweating like a pig looks even worse. Fortunately everyone else looks like crap too.

5) Forget anything truly athletic. The only exercise you should think about now is sticking your head out of your window while you're driving.

Holland vs. Spain

The World Cup final is now to be played by the check-splitting Dutch against the flu-causing Spaniards. If only Phillip II was around to see this, the culmination of his Habsburg glory! Holy harelip, Batman!

Now before you go bullfighting in wooden shoes, remember that these two countries haven't faced each other in quite some time. In fact, both countries were neutral in both World Wars (okay, the Dutch technically were Allied, but their fighting lasted a shorter period than most soccer games so they might as well have been neutral). Their respective empires faded away long ago, with the only remnants being words like "Manhattan" and "Florida". These days they're just united in their hatred of the French and Germans.

So how best to celebrate this glorious rivalry that isn't really much of a rivalry? Paella with Heineken? Sangria under a windmill? Doing a poor job of hiding Anne Frank or defending San Juan Hill? The tournament has truly given us a challenge.

Mean Streets

Last night's film was "Mean Streets", one of Martin Scorcese's earliest works, featuring a pre-Godfather 2 Robert De Niro and Harvey Keitel. The story arc follows Keitel's Charlie, a nephew of a Little Italy mobster, coping with his own set of religious morals while trying to function in his amoral environment. He's torn between trying to straighten out his friend Johnny Boy (De Niro), a bum who owes money to an ineffective loan shark (Michael), and reconcile his interest in Johnny's cousin Theresa whose epilepsy is a source of scandal in their community.

The film shoots most of its scenes in New York's Little Italy, and features a great '50s and '60s soundtrack (though the film was released in 1973--apparently, Scorcese used songs from his personal record collection).

Key scenes include:

1) Where David Carradine ("Kung Fu", "Kill Bill") is gunned down by his brother Robert ("Revenge of the Nerds");

2) Cameos with Scorcese and his mother;

3) The fistfight in the pool hall, to the sound of the Marvellettes' "Please Mr. Postman";

4) The loan shark and bar owner ripping off some teenagers for fireworks money;

5) The returning Vietnam vet losing it at the bar and needing to be held down. I recall watching that once with a friend who said "in thirty seconds Scorcese was able to say more about the Vietnam war than Oliver Stone could say in three films."

Overall, it has a low budget feel but is certainly worth watching for any fans of Scorcese's work, as you'll see a lot of his familiar themes at their inception

4th of July

What better way to celebrate this terrific country than to blow up a small piece of it? That is the essence of the fireworks display, and I'm pretty certain the Mall was packed with onlookers. Not this guy, though--manning the grill and the drinks, I stayed put on the balcony with the other party stragglers and limited my firework experience to the thunderous sounds.

The 235th year of this nation's life (measured from the day we told Britain we really needed our own place, our own space, and it's not you it's me) was ushered in with extreme heat (today it's supposed to hit 100--eek!) and hangovers. We celebrated with representatives of the next generation--Lil' Caroline and Baby JAM--hope you kids remember to pay your Social Security!--and the inauguration of my anniversary present, a standup George Foreman grill (great for balconies where propane and charcoal grilling is not allowed!). When you can cook up some meaty goodness and hear the sound of firecrackers in the distance, life is good.

Other countries may be pretty terrific, but ours still wins hands down.

America Turning 234

With Independence Day approaching--234 years since we told the British it was real, it was fun, but not real fun, and time for us to move out of its basement and get our own place--Americans everywhere are gearing up for our many traditions. Namely, blowing crap up with fireworks, grilling some serious meat, and getting good and properly tanked up. The fireworks symbolize the explosiveness of our independent ways, the meat symbolizes the abundance of bison we found in this country--sorry, bison! You should have invented guns first--and the heavy drinking symbolizes our willingness to get plum blotto.

Let's look at the report card:

1) This country has been a land of opportunity for millions of people over the years. Are we perfect? Nope, but we're always improving and still far better than the native countries our immigrants come from. Sucks about how the natives were treated, though.

2) Our wars have been a mixed bag. Some were tragic disasters--the Civil War, Vietnam--and some were necessary to turn the Germans from warmongering testosterone freaks to the lovable chocolate makers that they are today. One thing is for certain--we make better movies about those wars than our opponents did. Would you really want to see a Mexican version of the battle of the Alamo?

3) We've had some really, really lousy presidents over the years. Every time someone gets pissed at Bush or Obama I try to remind them that we had guys like James Buchanan who did nothing to stop the country from tearing apart during his term, or guys like Andrew Jackson who basically slaughtered Indians when he wasn't getting into duels with guys who questioned his wife's highly questionable honor. (Jackson would have been a lousy next door neighbor) And even the overrated FDR has the distinction of imprisoning thousands of American citizens without trial whose only crime was being of Japanese descent. But we should also remember Calvin Coolidge, who never slaughtered people, or Gerald Ford, who never invaded any major countries. They need credit for the atrocities they didn't commit!

4) It's sort of blasphemous to say this, but our flag really could use some cool symbols. Mozambique has a freaking assualt rifle on their flag, for crying out loud! Can't we put a Ford Mustang or hula dancer on it?

5) The eagle is a pretty cool symbol, but an alligator would go further towards that whole "don't screw with me" look. I mean, if I'm knee deep in a swamp and saw an eagle, I'd be all "hey, look, eagle" but if I saw a gator I'd be more like "hey, look, I wet myself".

Wonder Woman--Now All Catsuited?

As a kid, I always remember Wonder Woman being totally hot, especially helped by Lynda Carter's portrayal of the superheroine (and Carter has held up well over the years, too). Now, word on the street (the Washington Post) indicates that the comic book character is changing her outfit from the sexy patriotic swimsuit and boots to a plain black catsuit and jacket. All I can say is, WEAK!

First, last time they did a major change to the costume as a nod to current mod hip fashion, it looked like this. Notice anything? If you think that looks unusually trendy and dated, then the comic book creators agreed with you after a few years and went back to the original look. (I realize that the "original" look also changed over the years, moving from a skirt to panty-like bottoms, and moving from sandals to red boots, but the colors and general scheme were otherwise the same with the exception of the late '60s "mod" phase) What trend are they going with now with catsuits? WW is going to end up looking like any of a gazillion female comic book characters. Fans will no longer be able to say "wow, she has desecrated the American flag but in such a hot way!"

The article suggests that some might argue that the new "less revealing" outfit is some blow for feminism, and this is hogwash. A skintight outfit reveals every bit of shape and curve that a skin-revealing outfit does, and frankly every major superhero has these body-hugging outfits to show off their muscles and such. (Apparently, this intimidates or titillates opponents) And when did "revealing" mean "unfeminist"? It always seemed to me that the Victorian age of completely covered women wasn't exactly a golden age of female advancement. On a larger level, is a sexy outfit bad for women simply because men like it? Is this some zero-sum game?

But on another level, there's something to be said for consistency. Whether it's the uniforms of sports teams, or classic car designs, there's something comforting about an image that can stay the same as other things change over the years. Count me not a fan of this one.