Thursday, November 4, 2010

Happy Thoughts

Whatever your political leanings, you can appreciate some of the silver linings about yesterday's election results:

1) After two years of my liberal friends being insufferably smug and my conservative friends being completely insane, it'll be nice to see my conservative friends become insufferably smug and my liberal friends become completely insane.

2) The color barrier will be broken with our first ever orange-colored Speaker of the House, John Boehner. If he and Snooki had a child it would be an Oompa Loompa.

3) Since the Democrats were able to successfully smear the GOP for trying to touch Social Security in 2006, and the GOP was able to successfully smear the Democrats for trying to touch Medicare in 2010, I can look forward to growing old with both programs completely untouched. Of course, those programs will swamp the federal budget and the economy and we'll have to sell our children to China to pay off our debts, but at least I can retire in unearned luxury.

4) Democrats and Republicans can fight back and forth over which group of gerrymandered incompetents gets to run this country into the ground, but at least we D.C. residents don't have to worry about that because we don't get a vote. Fun fact--eleven states actually seceded from the country and took up arms against the U.S. Army from 1861-65, and all of those states had full autonomy and representation in Congress within a decade after that. D.C., which never seceded from anything, still gets nothing. Sounds pretty fair!

5) California had to decide whether to elect as governor a woman who thinks the job is worth over $150 million of her own money, or a washed up moonbeam who drove the state into a ditch back in the '70s when he was governor. And at the same time, they decided not to legalize pot. For that, I take back all the jokes I made about Florida.

6) 99% of New York voters have decided that their Rent is NOT Too Damn High. Sounds good!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Aftermath

My predictions from yesterday came out pretty close in the Senate (with Democrats keeping 51 seats to the GOP's 46, and 3 undecided so far) and I'd underestimated the GOP House total by 11 seats. The spin has begun already--Tea Partiers are going to take credit for providing the enthusiasm and energy for the GOP pickups, and some of their annointed candidates have won (Toomey in PA, Rubio in FL). They will try and downplay the fact that they also gave up at least two easy Senate pickups in Nevada and Delaware.

Sarah Palin will try and take credit for much of this, because that is the sort of person she is. Will she be dumb enough to run for President? I doubt it, since it's much easier to sit on the sidelines and get paid a lot of money and not have to answer pesky reporters' questions about whether she reads. But there will surely be a "Tea Party" contender for the nomination and likely that insurgent group will influence the 2012 primary.

Also, the legislative gridlock will ensure that the only things that can get passed in the next two years will require an overwhelming lack of controversy. No hard decisions will be made on cutting federal spending or reforming the tax system--the Bush tax cuts will likely expire at the end of this year (little chance of a lame duck session doing anything about that) meaning every taxpayer will be hit by some form of increase during a recession. The regulatory burdens on businesses are likely to remain. The GOP will have to contend with Tea Party pressure in a way that they didn't have to when they were in the distinct minority. And Obama is going to have to learn to deal with these people.

What did we learn from this election season?

1) Crazy works in crazy times, but sometimes there's such a thing as "too crazy". Sharron Angle ran against perhaps the most vulnerable incumbent in the country--Harry Reid--in a state that has a 14% unemployment rate and is itching to throw out the bum. But she consistently came across as a fundamentalist nut, and crossed the line with racially incendiary ads aimed at Hispanics. She turned out to be just too much for Nevada's voters.

2) Party switching comes back to bite you. Pennsylvania's Arlen Spector switched to the Democrats last year and ended up losing the primary to a more liberal candidate--Joe Sestak--who in turn went on to lose against the Tea Party favorite, Pat Toomey. Charlie Crist in Florida went from being a potential GOP running mate for John McCain (before McCain went and picked the most unqualified person in the country) to dropping out of his own party's primary for the U.S. Senate to run as an independent. He was then blown out of the water by the eventual GOP nominee, Marco Rubio.

3) Proudly embracing Obama's agenda won't help in swing districts. Leading up to the campaign, liberals argued that the most endangered Democrats would be those who ran away from the party's agenda and tried to triangulate. To be sure, a number of those "blue dogs" did lose, as the independents and GOP voters were energized and eager to "dump Pelosi" and replace their moderate Democrats with conservative Republicans. But Democrats in swing districts who tried the alternate approach--embracing Obama and his record--found themselves defeated as well, such as Tom Perriello and Gerry Connolly of Virginia. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't, this year in swing districts.

4) It's a 50-50 nation. That is, this country is about evenly divided among those leaning liberal and those leaning conservative. So when one party takes power, they'd be well advised to consider that if they try and push an agenda that leans too far towards their own base, they're going to (a) energize the opposing base and (b) alienate moderates/independents. The GOP learned this in the past decade, when they had the White House and all of Congress. Obama and Pelosi made the same mistake this time around. And politics being what it is, the GOP is likely to do the same thing yet again. Governing from the center is really the only way to hold power for a long time. (Of course, one could also argue that there is no point in having power if you don't use it--but just don't expect to hold power for much longer than that if you have that attitude). It is overreach that explains why Americans usually prefer divided government.

5) The economy is still the defining issue here. With official unemployment at 9.6% (and if having been over 9% for almost two years), housing values still in the toilet, and sluggish GDP growth, the mood in this country is still grim. Could Obama and company have had better results if they'd spent more time working out a more effective and perhaps popular stimulus plan (such as my plan--just write checks directly to the taxpayers, no strings attached, to pump money into the economy)? Would it have helped if the health care reform plan were put on the backburner, while direct attention to economic growth was focused? It's hard to say, even with hindsight. But the same issue that burned the GOP two years ago remains to burn the in-party.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Election Day Predictions

Today being election day, it's time for my predictions! Let's see how many of these I get right:

1) House of Representatives: the final count will be GOP with 229 seats, Democrats with 206 seats. Nancy Pelosi will step down as caucus leader and be replaced by Steny Hoyer.

2) Senate: the final count will be GOP with 47 seats, Democrats with 50 seats (plus two Independents that caucus with the Democrats, and one (Lisa Murkowski in Alaska) that caucuses with the GOP). Christine O'Donnell will lose with a percentage around 40% of the Delaware vote, and any Republican with a brain will curse Sarah Palin for helping turn a sure winner in Delaware (with Mike Castle) to a sure loser by meddling. Thanks Sarah!

3) In key Governor races, the GOP will win in Texas, Florida, and Illinois. Meg Whitman will lose in California, after having spent over $150 million of her own money, proving you just can't buy an election if you aren't a good politician. In NY, Cuomo will win, but there's going to be a surprisingly strong showing for the Rent is Too High party, as a protest vote.

4) In Maine, Independent Elliott Cutler will make a strong showing and keep it remarkably close, but (sorry to my friends who are backing him) it's been too little too late in getting the Democrats' votes to break for him, and that split plus an electorate that is furious with the "in-party" will give the edge to GOPer Paul LePage.

5) The GOP will have the distinction of having two governors of Indian (of the subcontinent) ancestry in Deep South states--Bobby Jindal in Louisiana and Nikki Haley in South Carolina. Also, Tim Scott is poised to be the first black Republican to represent a district in South Carolina since Reconstruction, and I understand his district is majority white. If you were to tell an 1860s South Carolinian that white South Carolinians would some day elect a black man--of the GOP no less--to represent them in Congress he'd probably spit up his mint julep.

6) The big challenge over the next two years will not be just Obama trying to deal with a resurgent GOP in Congress--it'll be a GOP establishment trying to deal with Palin-Americans trying to "purify" their party and insist on somehow cutting taxes and the deficit without any meaningful spending cuts, using magic. Hold on, it'll be a bumpy ride....

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sanity or Insanity

Taking my pleasant weekend stroll is one of the things I enjoy most about fall--the charming neighborhoods, parks, and city folk who populate the sidewalk seating at the bars and cafes. Saturday was to be like any other. Of course, I knew a rally was going on at the Mall, but figured I'd cut through the crowd, see some clever signs and costumes, and be on my way.

Alas, the Mall was packed to the gills! And people were not moving out of the way. Hipsters, hipsters everywhere! And more than a few yuppies. Trying to navigate a crowd is hard enough, but a crowd carrying big signs is even worse. And if some clod decided to get there super early and lay out a blanket so they could sit on the Mall all day, and you needed to walk past and had no choice but to step on their blanket, you were going to get a "hipster scolding".

("Hipster scolding" is defined by a remark laden with such an overdose of sarcasm that you aren't even sure if it's sarcastic. It's like a black hole of sarcasm.)

I did manage to use fancy footwork to wheedle through the crowd and finally get to the other side of the Mall, and continue my walk, and at every Metro stop more rallygoers streamed in. I made a mental note to give the Mall a wide berth on my walk back later, and figured that'd be the end of that.

But then, later needed to go to the store for groceries. As our Safeway is the closest one to the Mall, well, you guessed it--packed with hipsters yet again! Which would be fine if they didn't keep running into you on their way to use the bathrooms and buy up as much PBR as the store would keep in stock. I wish I were making up that tired stereotype, but seriously, they took ALL the PBR. (Fortunately, I'm a Dos Equis sort of guy).

Did they restore sanity, you ask? Well, not to my neighborhood they didn't!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Parties

Usually at Halloween parties I attend in the costume of "that guy who drinks all the beer and eats all the chips and man does he ever stop???" The first several minutes of the party are spent ooh-ing and aah-ing over costumes both clever ("I'm going as my husband's dashed hopes and dreams!") and common ("I'm going as a sexy vampiric nurse with a cowboy hat! Yes, I need to clean out my closet..."). You can always count on one girl in fishnet stockings, and one guy with no shirt on.

When we were little and these parties were chaperoned, you could also count on the hostess (no man ever chaperones his kid's Halloween party, that's just not a manly thing to do!) getting rid of all of her cold spaghetti and grapes (which, in the dark, are supposedly guts and eyeballs) and coming up with games like "try not to break our stuff" and "stop poking me with that damn fake spear". Some kid's costume gets ripped, some kid starts crying, and it's usually over early in the day. When we're teenagers, we're up to mischief--eggings and toilet paperings create their own reign of terror on the lands!--but then we get to an age where we're out of the house, able to drink legally, and then the parties about yet again. But what activities can you participate in at Halloween parties as an adult? Passing around goo and pretending it's brains doesn't work anymore. Here are some suggestions:

1) A prize for whoever can eat the oldest thing still in the host's fridge. Scary!

2) A prize for the female guest who actually dressed modestly.

3) A game of "who wants to check to see if that's really a gas leak".

4) A ritual beating for the guy who dripped candle wax on the stereo speakers.

5) A murder mystery! To make it more authentic, invite an actual paroled murderer and have him wait out back by the beer cooler and send guests out to get beers one by one. Also helps if you have an amateur detective--preferably with a Belgian accent!--as another guest.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Costume Ideas

As the weekend approaches, and Halloween parties approach as well, it comes time to decide what brilliant costume to wear. There are a number of iconic possibilities:

1) Want to be political? You can put on a witch hat and go as "not Christine O'Donnell" as my fiancee suggested. You could wear an old white wool blanket and red sunglasses and go as the "demon sheep" from Carly Fiorina's "demon sheep" ad (look at 2:40 in). You could don the facial hair and gloves and go as the "Rent is too damn high" guy.

2) Want to show people how educated you are? Go dressed as "Newton's Theory of Gravity" and stay plopped on the couch during the party, asking people to bring you drinks. Carry a frame around and go as the picture of Dorian Gray, telling people that your better half is around somewhere. Go as whatever you went as last year, and be "history repeating itself".

3) Want to let people know of the plight of kids from the early '80s? Wear a cheap plastic mask of Ponch (or John) from CHiPs, coming complete with a plastic smock that says "CHiPs" on the front with a photo of a motorcycle. Yes, in the early '80s that's what passed for a costume of going as the guy from CHiPs. They were a dark time.

4) Want to get away with slapping people you don't like? Go as Ike Turner.

5) Want to reach for some cartoon nostalgia? Wear a sheet with dozens of holes, a la Charlie Brown.

6) Want to save lots of time and money? Go dressed in your street clothes, and say you're going as a 7th grader who's too cool for dressing up for Halloween.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hauntings

You've probably seen a number of films where the protagonist is given a great deal on a house to buy, and moves in, only to discover that the house is haunted by a ghost. The audience is left to thinking that no deal is good enough to justify living with a ghost, because then you get no rest and no peace and the ghost watches you shower and stuff. But then, keep in mind this is no picnic for the ghost! Last I checked, no one asks the ghost if he wants to share the house with a fambly of lovable scamps.

Besides my short attention span, one reason why I never could make a good stalker is that PEOPLE ARE VERY BORING. Imagine spending hours on end following someone, watching them shop, talk on the phone, watch TV, drink coffee--ugh! It'd never be like it is in spy movies, where the stalkee is doing interesting, cool stuff, or at least the women being spied on will walk around in neat lingerie. In real life, I bet the victim is just wearing granny panties, because of course she doesn't know she's being watched so doesn't care how it looks. Who wants to stalk that?

So I figure being a ghost is about the same thing as being a stalker. Just boring as hell, and every time you try and mix it up a bit by showing yourself or making noise, the humans just freak out and it gets unpleasant with all the screaming. And then they bring in the priest to exorcise the place, which is just sad because really, why would a ghost care if they sprinkle holy water around and carry a crucifix? That'd only work if the ghost has Christian faith, and if that were the case the ghost would be busy trying to convert atheists or something. Not hanging around an old house trying to scare gentrifyers.

And if the house has teenagers, that's even worse. The minute the kids think there's a ghost in the house, you know they're going to break out the Ouija board (made from Parker Brothers, which makes you know it's authentic since the good people at Parker Brothers have a direct line to the occult forces of the universe) and try to talk to you. Who wants to talk to a teenager? They have nothing of value to say, except what that bitch Stacy did last week oh I don't believe she went there, she's going to get hers that's for sure. Boring!

Yeah if I'm a ghost someday, I'm totally going to hang out at the beach or something. Screw that haunting crap.