City Nicknames

A lot of people wonder how certain cities get their nicknames. New York is famously known as "the Big Apple", because of its legendary pie-bakeoffs, and Chicago is known as "the Windy City" because it was named after a woman named Wendy who was notorious for misspelling her name. It's sort of sad when a city has no cool nickname of its own, because a nickname can really put it on the cultural map. I've suggested a few names based on cities I'm familiar with:

1) Washington, D.C.--the Big Swampy. You don't venture into the Big Swampy during July without a sweat-rag, y'hear???

2) Portland, ME--the Big Frosty. The best wintertime souvenir a Mainer can give you is a case of the shivers, courtesy of the Big Frosty!

3) Sarasota, FL--Retirement Alley. Self explanatory.

4) Baltimore--Crabtown, U.S.A. Not to be mistaken for Bangkok, which is a different sort of Crabtown.

5) Philadelphia--the City Where Directions Won't Help You. Update your maps, people!

6) Syracuse, NY--Pity City. You pity those who live here, and they pity you for having to visit.

7) Boston, MA--Meathead Alley. How a city that boasts some top notch colleges and an economy that attracts such high intelligence can be also a haven for low functioning townies is truly a testament to the duality of man.

8) Los Angeles--New Jersey With Palm Trees.

Any city chamber of commerce that uses those terms will owe me big money.

Greatest American City, Round Five!

There's been a lot of regional acrimony over which city will eventually win the Greatest City in America Tournament. It's a little-known fact that a dispute back in the 1861 tournament between Charleston, South Carolina and Boston, Massachusetts led to the respective states going to war and bringing their fellow states in with them. Such disputes are impossible in this modern day of civility and intelligent debate.

Today's matchup--Philadelphia, Pennsylvania versus Atlanta, Georgia!

1) Philly has a good deal of history, being the place that the Declaration of Independence was signed, and where Rocky ran up a flight of steps. Atlanta on the other hand was razed to the ground by cruel General Sherman, and to my knowledge Rocky never even visited the city. Sadness, and points for Philly.

2) Philly has the cheesesteak. Unfortunately, they often put squeeze cheese on it, which is just nasty. Points for Atlanta, yech!

3) Atlanta was originally named Marthasville, and then Terminus, and finally got its name from the Ocean on which it sits. Except that it's pretty far inland. Oops! Philadelphia on the other hand has not been named after anyone named Philip, or Delph. So what we have is a couple of liars! Push!

4) Philly is host to the great TV show, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Atlanta, however, was host of "Designing Women." So take that, er, um, oh . . . points for Philly.

5) Atlanta was where Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's lifetime home run record, and also hosted the '96 Olympics. Philadelphia, on the other hand, was where Eagles fans tossed snowballs at Santa Claus. What the hell, Philly???? Points for Atlanta!

6) Atlanta is the capital of its state, and the largest city and cultural center of the Deep South. Philly is the most desirable city in its region, unless you're able to get into NYC or Washington easily. But, Philly also has a lot of Jersey commuters, so . . . hmm. Atlanta with more points.

Looks like an upset win for Atlanta, which is a bit odd since I generally prefer visiting Philly for its good restaurants, walkable neighborhoods, and easy proximity to DC. Unfortunately I hadn't thought of those elements in making point scores. Who designs these contests, anyway?

Greatest American City, Round Four!

Boy, is this City vs. City tournament getting heated! Kansas City-ites throwing bottles at Seattlers, Boise Folk hollering curses at Miliwaukeeans--hopefully they can all work out their differences in a civil manner, sort of like the States did last time they had a conflict. (They didn't call it the "Civil" war for nothing) In this round we have Portland Maine duking it out with Washington, DC. Full disclosure--these are the two cities I've lived in longer than any other, so my affinity for both is well established. Let's go to the battle:

1) Portland boasts a sizable Somali population, while Washington has a large number of Ethiopians. While the latter have established a number of good ethnic restaurants, the Portland area has no Somalian restaurants to speak of. Boo! What's up with that, Portland? Would Somalian food be a little too "real" for you? Point to DC!

2) Portland has a number of quality restaurants and dive bars--in fact, most of the bars are of the dive quality. DC does have a number of bars, but in terms of restaurants it falls about equal to Portland (despite the latter's tiny size--DC has about ten times the population of Portland). Points to Portland for batting above its weight.

3) Portland is absolutely horrendous in the winter, with extreme darkness (due to its far north and far east location), extreme cold, and enough snow to make Jack Frost go batshit. DC is a fetid swamp during the summer. Breaking the tie is the long, temperate fall and spring in DC. Points to DC on weather.

4) Both towns have cheap baseball, since Portland has only a double-A team (the SeaDogs) and DC has a team that may as well be double-A (the hapless Nationals!). Push.

5) DC has a fairly extensive and state of the art metro system, connecting most of its neighborhoods and key urban points. Portland's most worthwhile points are all in walking distance from one another. Point to Portland.

6) Portland is definitely cheaper in terms of housing, but the pitifully low salaries are so far below the cost of living that many white collar workers are forced to work extra jobs. Boo! Points to DC.

7) When you have out of town guests in DC, you can send (or take) them to see monuments, free museums, open air markets, events, etc. When you have out of town guests in Portland, you can . . . hope the weather is nice enough to do something outside. (It won't be.) Points to DC.

8) Portland has a scenic location right on the Atlantic, with a rocky cove and many barrier islands nearby. DC is just sort of in the middle of a swamp. Points to Portland.

Looks like DC edges out my former home of Portland--though, Portland should be proud to put up a good fight against a heavyweight like that. It should also be noted that both towns blew the doors off Boston in the Northeast Regionals, because any town producing "Good Will Hunting" deserves to lose.

Greatest American City, Round Three!

Next up in our City vs. City, This Time It's Personal tournament is old scrapper Sarasota, Florida against Houston, Texas. Let's go to the videotape!

1) Houston is named after Sam Houston, one of the leaders in the Texas Republic and an ardent foe of secession (from the U.S.--he didn't mind seceding from Mexico, obviously). Sarasota was named after Floyd Sarasota, a brilliant politician and landowner who convinced General Andrew Jackson to let him open up beachfront condos after the Seminole War. Houston is definitely better known--points to Houston!

2) Sarasota has beaches. Points to Sarasota.

3) Houston boasts some great sports franchises, including NBA's Rockets, Baseball's Astros, and NFL's Texans. Er....okay, Houston somehow loses points here....

4) Houston is the fourth largest city in the country. Sarasota is so small that when Houston eats lunch, it flosses afterwards and little Sarasotas pop out of Houston's teeth. Points to big ole Houston.

5) Houston is the center of the American oil business. Sarasota is the center of the American retirement community business. More points for Houston.

6) People often say "I'm taking a pleasure trip to Sarasota." Conversely, anyone going to Houston puts it this way: "I have to go to Houston. Sigh." Points to Sarasota.

7) Looks like a close one, and these very different cities are going to need some sort of tiebreaker. Let's go with this one: Houston's town motto is "At least we're not El Paso." Sarasota's motto is "Wait, you're not my regular valet guy." Points and match to Sarasota!

Greatest American City, Round Two!

In Round Two, we have longtime contenders Detroit and Memphis. Detroit made it through the regionals, beating upstart Saginaw, while Memphis managed to pull off an upset against Gary, Indiana. (Sorry to all residents of Gary--but you can't rest on your laurels just because you're the origin city of the Jackson Five. You gotta fight on in all categories!)

1) Musical Influence: Memphis has produced a lot of blues music, and some terrific R&B under the Stax label. Detroit, of course, brought us the Motown sound of the sixties. This will have to be a push.

2) Food: Memphis is well known for its barbecue, particularly its ribs. Detroit is also well known for its ribs, particularly the ribs of a tourist who had his inisdes gutted while mistakenly walking into the wrong neighborhood. Points go to Memphis.

3) View: people in Memphis get a nice view of the Mississippi River, the longest river in North America. Detroiters get a view of Canada, the most wannabe-U.S. country in North America. (Mexico is too busy trying to be Argentina to waste its time trying to be us). Much as I like Canada, I have to give points to Memphis. Better catch up, Detroit!

4) Memphis has no NFL franchise, while Detroit has the Lions. I have to give points to Memphis here, since the Lions are so bad the city would be better off with no team at all. Not looking good, Detroit!

5) Famous Natives: Memphis is home to Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Confederate cavalry commander and founding member of the KKK. Ok, Detroit HAS to be able to top that! Detroit has produced Eminem. It's hard to say which guy white people should be more ashamed of, so this will also be a push.

6) Great Companies: Memphis has FedEx, which was featured with excellent product placement in the movie Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks. Ok, let's see what Detroit has--General Motors. Featured in that Michael Moore film, "Roger and Me". (Which I thought would have been about the director's brother, Roger, who played James Bond. Boy was I disappointed!) Points go to Memphis, since Moore's film hardly made anyone want to buy a GM.

Well, looks like Memphis took this one pretty handily. Sorry Michiganders!

Greatest American City, Round One!

In today's first round of the "Greatest American City" tournament, we have the contenders Chicago, weighing in as the country's third largest city, with broad shoulders and thick midwestern accents, and New York--slick and fast paced! Let's begin the battle:

1) Nickname: Chicago takes "The Windy City" and New York takes "The Big Apple". Frankly, the apple thing makes no sense, especially since apple country is much further upstate. Point goes to Chicago.

2) Pizza style: Chicago basically serves a pot pie that's pizza-flavored. New York pizza is incomparable. Many points to NY!

3) Director who bases all their films there: Chicago has John Hughes. Those films don't age so well! New York has Martin Scorcese, whose films are excellent. But wait! Scorcese's Oscar-winning epic, "The Departed", actually took place in Boston. Disqualification! Point to Chicago.

4) Sports: Chicago has exactly one football team, with a storied history and greats such as George Halas, Walter Payton, and those guys from "Brian's Song". (No, I'm not crying, it's just dusty in here!) New York has, count 'em, TWO football teams! Except they both share a stadium....in Jersey. I cry for real now, as I give points to Chicago.

5) Buildings: New York has the Empire State Building, which beats Chicago's Sears Tower. (Fun fact--as a native New Yorker, I've never climbed the ESB, but did climb the Sears when I was a tourist in Chicago.) Granted, Sears is taller, but the ESB is instantly recognizable with its art-deco style, and attraction for large apes. Point to NYC.

6) Famous criminals: Chicago has Al Capone, Sam Giancana and that Dr. Holmes guy who murdered all those people at the 1893 Worlds Fair. NYC has Son of Sam, John Gotti, and Elliot Spitzer. Ugh, points to Chicago!

7) Presidents: Chicago produced Barack Obama, which is very impressive until you remember that NYC produced Teddy Roosevelt who shot so many animals he became a conservationist just so he could save a few animals to shoot for later. NYC has to get the point on this one.

8) Songs Referencing the City: Chicago has Elvis' "In the Ghetto". New York has Sinatra's "New York, New York." Points to NYC--unless you want to be "face down with a gun in [your] hand" like the subject of Elvis' ballad.

Hmm, tie score! We'll have to see both NYC and Chicago advance to the next round. Stay tuned for more...

Rat Pack Party

Today marks the birthday of my fiancee/roommate/enabler Shannon, and among the big plans for her special occasion is a party tomorrow with a '60s "Rat Pack" theme. For those of you who don't know, the Rat Pack was a gang of celebrities from the early '60s who hung around in a close knit group, doing Vegas shows together, television specials, and even a few movies--the best known being 1960's "Oceans Eleven". These celebrities--singer/actors Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop--epitomized the idea of early '60s coolness and "classy" partying.

So how to do a perfect Rat Pack party? First, make sure you have plenty of martini glasses, olives, and booze. Make sure there's plenty of whiskey. Jazzy tunes on the sound system add a nice touch, and guests should be decked out in their coolest suits and dresses. And cigarettes, oh the cigarettes. It should also be noted that the Rat Packers participated in some great celebrity roasts later on, hosted by Dean Martin and featuring everyone from John Wayne to Muhammad Ali. Croon out a few songs, do a bit of tap dance and standup, and you're all there daddy-o.

So here's to some great Rat Packin' times with good friends, and a celebration of a special day for a special lady.

Happy Birthday, Shannon!