Time Keeps on Ticking

Turning 36 is a celebration of sorts, managing to make it another year in good health and still not squashed flat by one of the terrible northern Virginia drivers in massive vehicles who have no respect for anything. Having been born at a time when television was a wasteland (and not the center of cultural fulfillment that it is today) and music was mindless disco beats rather than the scientifically advanced brilliance we see now--in '74 they didn't even have auto-tune!--I'm glad to be living in a time when we've come so very far. At the time I was born, this country was in a never-ending recession and still not fully disengaged from a drawn out foreign war. Good thing that's not the case today!

Sadly, I also reflect that I've never flown a plane, ridden a horse, been on the ballot, or visited Asia or South America. But on the other hand, I've also never declared bankruptcy, served a day in jail, or broken a bone. I call that a wash!

I often use Winston Churchill's life as a guide for my own, since he was born on the exact same day as me but one hundred years earlier. By this time, he'd been a popular hero in the Boer War, a published correspondent, and a member of Parliament. There's still time to catch up, if I get appointed First Lord of the Admiralty in time for our next World War (which, by that logic, should start in four years when Germany invades France again. It could happen!). As long as I avoid the mistake of attacking the Turkish straits, I should even be ahead!

Black Friday is Black Like Your Heart

One bit of Thanksgiving related news that I found a bit jarring was the news that Black Friday is no longer an accurate term for the madness of bargain hunting that is now beginning on Thanksgiving Day itself, or even earlier. Yes, cheap classless people are now camping out for hours to crush helpless Wal Mart employees in their quest to get a good deal on electronics rather than spend some quality time with their loved ones.

Here's the thing about these wonderful deals--there is no amount one can save on any number of consumer goods that can justify camping out in the cold and waiting on long lines to shove other people to grab and buy. Can't afford nice gifts for the fambly? Then make a macaroni drawing or write them a poem about the value of not getting gifts. Sure, they'll hate you on December 25th, but they'd hate you anyway for better reasons than not getting them a cool gift.

A better solution? Start celebrating Christmas a couple weeks later, with the Orthodox Christians. Then you can do your holiday shopping in early January, after everyone's made their gift returns, and enjoy some hassle-free shopping.

Thanksgivingness

With Thanksgiving coming tomorrow, I'm gearing up for the usual delicious delectables: turkey leg, mashed taters, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce (from a can, the best way), antipasta platter, homemade bread, apple pie, and beaujulais nouveau. It's an interesting combination, in that it is the same combination every year and everything seems to go together in complementary fashion. The cranberry offers sweetness to balance the saltiness of the turkey and gravy, the carb effect of the taters balance the cheese, meats and veggies of the antipasta, and the beauj helps bring everything down. Throw that combo off balance, and you need to take other action.

If the turkey gets taken out of the equation, for example, you can't just substitute steak. You'd need to toss in some salad (preferably Caesar, the Emperor of Salads), in place of the antipasta, and of course the homemade bread would need to be replaced with a baguette. With that, the cranberry wouldn't really go, so you'd need to replace it with applesauce (I suppose). Before long, the stuffing is all that's left of the original meal, but that can never stand alone--stuffing without taters, turkey and cranberry is sort of like going to a Doors concert and seeing only Ray Manzarek showed up.

Here's wishing all a happy Thanksgiving!

Goddam Delaware

Some people wonder why Delaware, a small intrusive state, earns so much bile from me that I have re-named it "New Jersey's Ugly Brother". Sure, they produce luminaries such as Christine "I Know All Sixteen Amendments By Heart" O'Donnell and Joe "Has Anyone Seen My Underwear?" Biden. Sure, they put a massive toll on a very short stretch of Interstate 95 to fleece travellers between NY and DC. Sure, they call themselves "The First State" even though they only ratified the Constitution first because there's literally nothing else going on in that stupid state.

But now, they decided to close off a bunch of lanes on I-95 on Thanksgiving weekend for construction. Great idea, jerks! Just because you're staying in your stupid Wilmington and Dover homes eating turkey doesn't mean you should screw over those of us who have to drive that day! Keep pushing us and we'll find a way to sever you off from the mainland, never to be seen again, just like we did to East Virginia.

And the best part? The construction in question is being paid for by federal stimulus funds. So we'll be paying taxes down the road for Delaware to do repairs on a 20 mile stretch of highway that they already make big toll money on. Next time you see Joe Biden give him the finger.

Greatest American City, Round Six!

As we move along in our "Greatest American City" tournament, a lot of people (mostly from cities that suck) have complained about the methodology used in selecting winners. Here are some FAQs:

Q: What makes you an authority on American cities when you've never even been to Seattle?

A: I've seen the movie Singles. Okay, heard the soundtrack.

Q: Do you use a special methodology to decide which cities face off against one another?

A: Yes, assuming you have no followup questions.

Q: It seems pretty arbitrary to base points on whether a song includes the city in its lyrics, or whether you had a good meal there. Millions of people are being judged!

A: That's not really a question.

So, today we have a face-off between perennial favorite, New Orleans, and up and coming Indianapolis. Indy did well in the regionals against Cleveland and Cincinnati but it remains to be seen whether they can fight off the infamous Crescent City!

1) Indy: was featured as the setting for TV's "One Day at a Time". Since that show really sucked (sorry Valerie Bertinelli fans!) Indy loses points to N.O.

2) New Orleans has a colorful pronunciation from its locals, who call it "Nawlins". How quaint and charming! Indy natives mispronounce their city "Andyapolis". Or at least some guy named Andy did that, and it really was lame. Points for Nawlins!

3) New Orleans is often called the Big Easy because it's easy to live there if you're big. (This is because it has so many great buffets). Indy is nicknamed "The City You Stay in When You Run Out of Gas On Your Way To Chicago'. Points for N.O.!

4) New Orleans residents have created muffaletta sandwiches, beignets, po-boys, and numerous Creole dishes. Indy is best known for being close enough to Chicago to drive for a nice meal. Points to N.O. again! Indy better catch up!

5) Indy is home to the Colts, a franchise that was really excellent back in the '50s and '60s....when it was in Baltimore. Okay, I'll give them credit for a Peyton Manning too....though the Saints won the last Superbowl, playing against....eek, that was Indy! Slight edge to N.O.

So it looks like New Orleans survived Katrina and roared back to a resounding victory against Indy.

Food, Glorious Food

One of the great things about America is our abundance with food and our ability to flaunt that abundance in ways that can only make less fortunate peoples learn to hate us. Now, before you say "other countries only hate us for our freedoms!" think for a minute how ridiculous that is. Remember that kid in high school who had no curfew and no obligations and had all the freedom in the world? You didn't hate him because of his freedom. You hated him because he was a douchebag about it and wasn't cool about selling you weed.

How are we flaunting our abundance for all the world to see?

1) Stuffed crust pizza. At some point, someone said "this pizza doesn't have enough calories and fat. There's got to be a better way!" and their assistant said "but boss! We put cheese and meat and veggies on every square inch of surface! Where else can we put extra food on this thing??" And voila, the stuffed crust pizza was born.

2) Turkey. We have never accepted turkey on its own. Nope, we've managed to stuff it with stuffing (which is where stuffing gets its name!), and even other meats (duck, chicken, beef, spare ribs) because there's a part of Thanksgiving dinner where Uncle Joe says "whew, that wasn't bad turkey, but I'm STILL STARVING!" And baking the turkey isn't enough, no sir! We've found ways to deep fry and smoke turkeys for extra fattening goodness.

3) Hamburgers. Ah, the simple days when a McDonalds small hamburger was what an adult got with their fries and Coke. Then, this wasn't enough, and they created the "Big Mac"--a double decker burger! This was the greatest thing to come out of 1968, with the possible exception of the White Album. Wait, I take that back, the Big Mac is way better than the White Album. (Ducks as pairs of Beatle Boots are tossed at me). But then, that wasn't enough and the "Quarter Pounder With Cheese" came about. Now, we have the Angus Third Pounders, and we all know that it's only a matter of time before the "Pounder" becomes standard. Sadly, the Big Mac looks positively small on the menu these days.

4) State Fairs. They have now deep fried everything, including Coke and Bourbon. At least a deep fried potato could provide you essential starch--but now, it's all about that crazed sugar rush. My prediction for the next state fair entry? Deep fried deep fry. Yes, that's no typo--they will find a way to deep fry the batter with nothing else, since that's what we're getting to next.

5) Bacon bacon bacon! Yes, this brilliant bit of meat can serve as a topping (in "bit" form), a main course (as the meat for a BLT sammich), and even casing for any other food (bacon-wrapped anything). The Canadians have tried to keep up with us but their bacon is basically ham. Bacon also probably makes a good stuffing, but the folks don't let me do that for Thanksgiving.

So, we're a land of plenty, due in part to a massive farm belt, the best of farming techniques and generous federal subsidies that keep the prices low. If anything, our problem is how to cut back on fat, a problem that anyone who had to scrounge for a meal would consider a good problem to have. I guess I really shouldn't complain.

Airport Security Madness

Air travel sucks. Airports are always located way too far from anything, unless you're some sad sack living in outer Queens or Dulles, so it always takes forever to get there. Planes are overly fragile, so flights often get delayed or cancelled due to rain (though most pilots will tell you that a plan can get struck by lightning repeatedly and still fly just fine). And now airport security has reached new levels of ridiculous crapulence so you have a great combination of having to leave early to drive extra far to get to the airport extra early to get through security just in time to wait extra hours for your delayed flight. Add flight time and travel from your destination airport to your destination--providing you don't prefer to just hang out near the airport at your destination!--and you basically save no time flying instead of driving for any flight that isn't cross-country.

Some of these problems can't be solved--airports always have to be far out from cities, since they take up too much land, and flights will always be delayed until some airline establishes "do you feel lucky" flights where people can knowingly accept a riskier flight if it means taking off on time. But airport security--what can possibly be done to make us safe from all those terrorists trying to set their shoes or underwear on fire on our planes?

To that I'd say--what really needs to be done there? Both of those plots were foiled easily, because last I checked you're not even allowed to smoke on the plane so surely anyone whipping out a lighter and trying to have a go at their clothing is going to attract immediate suspicion. It seems anyone wanting to blow up a plane would have an easier time bribing an underpaid baggage handler to let a suitcase full of bombs get past the metal detectors and detonate in the hold. In this day and age there's pretty much no way to get up to no good in the cabin.

Of course, some incompetents like Richard Reid will try to sneak a shoe bomb onto the plane from time to time. In which case I think an adequate punishment would be forcing him to spend the rest of his life inspecting passengers' smelly shoes at the security checkpoint, followed by a flight wedged in between two obese passengers with a screaming baby in front and behind. Film it for a reality show, and you'll have all the deterrant you need for any future bombers.