Black Swan is Flashdance for a New Generation

Have you ever seen a movie that uplifted your spirits and made you believe in possibilities again? I have! And last night's film was just that sort of movie, the feel-good hit of the year and justified Oscar-bait. I'm talking of course about "Black Swan".

This film traces the trials and tribulations of Nina, a ballerina in New York, who's just trying to get that big break. And with determination and moxie, she succeeds with the help of her new friend Lily who inspires her to perform the dual-role she needs to fill in the ballet. See, the ballet involves the star playing both a "white swan" and a "black swan", with the former being all good and happy and the latter being jealous and mean. Nina faces the challenge, despite some misunderstandings with her mother and guilt over taking the part from the ever-charming Winona Ryder. Lily comes through as a friend, supporting Nina's efforts even though it means having to remain an understudy herself (see, that's loyalty and dedication, and class--something tells me the sequel to this film might be about Lily's big break).

Ultimately, on the night of the big performance, Nina has some mishaps, including getting cut by some mirror in a dressing room accident, but spurred on by her friend she soldiers through the performance, playing both black and white swan perfectly to the crowd's delight. Now, I'm no ballet fan--dancing confuses and angers me--but even I was impressed by the hard work and talent displayed on screen here.

Was I inspired to go see a ballet? Certainly not! But the "try and you shall succeed" message of this feel-good movie was able to reach me, so it should be able to reach any of its audience.

Hobo, This Time With a Shotgun

Every now and again there comes along a film that carries with it warmth, subtlety, and the sort of charm that remains with you long after the end credits roll. And then there is such a film as "Hobo With a Shotgun". "Hobo" was made for those who watched "Rambo III" and thought "this is way too thought provoking! The characters are too complex!" "Hobo" has about as much nuance as a boulder made out of razor blades.

Do I even need to go into the plot of "Hobo With a Shotgun"? The title basically says more than the movie is actually about. Rutger Hauer plays the titular hobo, who rides into a town where the villains are ruling the roost. To call the bad guys cartoonish would be an insult to cartoons, and you can be sure from the first time they come on screen--decapitating a helpless man with a barbed wire noose and yes you heard that right--that you will not have qualms about wishing for their ultimate demise. Fortunately for justice--and for those who love to see people's insides being shared with the entire neighborhood--our hobo has clearly been well trained in shotgun use and suffers none of the usual afflictions one would expect with the homeless, such as vitamin deficiency, fatigue or semi-starvation. This is one rail-rider you don't want to cross.

If there's one bit of dialogue that sums up the film it is this one, between the hobo and the hooker he befriends:

Hooker: You can't solve all of your problems with a shotgun!

Hobo: It is the only way I know how.

Isn't that just beautiful? Step aside, "Rosebud" and "I'll Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse"--we have a new winner for best movie quote. I like to imagine the hobo trying to fix his car, and deciding the only way to repair the faulty carbeurator is with a quick blast with the ole shotgun.

Needless to say, the film goes the way you'd expect--plenty of justified vengeance, plenty of innocent people getting murdered--the most unintentionally hilarious case being the schoolbus full of kids being destroyed with a flamethrower, because up to that point we just weren't sure if the villain was odious enough--and an ending that left you wondering why Rutger Hauer still has trouble finding work.

Hurricane Lessons

After several days of media hype and local morons cleaning out the grocery stores--because you can never have enough canned beets--Hurricane Irene finally arrived, bringing a bit of wind and rain but leaving our neighborhood pretty much untouched. We had some friends over for movies and chilli, and the place was extra cozy with our patio furniture inside, as we waited to see if anything major would happen. Perhaps a tree through the window, or the motorcycle parked across the street tipping over. But by morning, our windows were unbroken and the motorcycle still stood. Hurricane Irene was downgraded to a Category 1 Breeze.

What have we learned from this experience that may come in handy if next time we get a more powerful storm?

1) Nothing.

That's pretty much it. Next time a storm hits, people will still mob the stores on the day before, some will still wander out in it and get stranded, and the rest of us will hunker down inside, wishing these storms would ruin a school night instead of a summer weekend.

How to Improve Films

Generally when I'm watching a movie that sucks, I like to think what I might have done to save the film from total suckery had I been the studio head. (In a perfect world, I'd be a studio head, and not the soulless automatons that produce crap like "Knight and Day"). Here's just a few films that I would have improved:

1) Jerry Maguire--have Renee Zellweger's character get caught in a love triangle between Jerry and serial killer Aileen Wuornos. The seminal point in the movie would be where she bashes Aileen over the head with a fish tank, screaming "You had me at DIE, BITCH!" Cuba Gooding Jr's character would then rifle through Wuornos' purse, and say "you just showed me the money!"

2) Monster--this biopic about the actual serial killer Wurnos would have been turned into a comedy. We'd replace all the killings and violent parts with comedic sound effects, and it would be more a film about a serial killer who keeps goofing up with hilarious results! Somehow I would have gotten John C. Reilly in there, he works cheap.

3) Titanic--this movie needed a murder mystery more than anything. It really dragged, but frankly a stabbed passenger (my vote would be for Kathy Bates' character, who pissed me off anyway with her "oh look how earthy I am, like an early day Roseanne") and a Belgian super-sleuth could have livened up the middle. It'd be great because he'd solve the murder (turns out she stabbed herself while trying to pick food from her teeth) at the exact moment the boat hit an iceberg. And I'd leave in John Astor's witty comment, "I asked for more ice, but this is ridiculous!"

4) Star Wars--I know, it's blasphemous among nerds to suggest this film could have been improved. But Luke was a weak point--no character development, no depth--just pure "gee shucks" farm boy. He needs a split personality, and his alter ego--"Stuart" Skywalker--could be up to all sorts of mischievous hijinks.

5) Road House--it is impossible to make this a better movie than it already is.

Hurricane Party Tips

With Hurricane Irene planning to visit this weekend, the word on the street is all the stores will be mobbed with people buying canned goods. This is because the stores may be closed for a couple days, if the hurricane is real bad, and no one bothers to keep more than half a day's worth of food in the house. Starving is not an option--we are not the Joads, after all--so it is off to join the pack at the stores!

But we also need something for entertainment! Here are some great hurricane entertainment ideas:

1) Play a game of "Guess Which Spoon Accidentally Fell In the Toilet Last Winter?"

2) Watch someone put together a jigsaw puzzle.

3) Ask three of your friends to stage an in-house production of "Glengarry Glenn Ross" to remind yourself why you need new friends.

4) Have a cup of grated parmesan for lunch because you thought everyone else was an idiot for rushing to the packed stores before the storm hit.

5) Cover your car with antique china to help cushion the blow in case a tree branch falls on it.

Quake!

There's nothing like a good ole fashioned earthquake to cut into your workday. Sitting at my desk and feeling our building begin to rock and sway, my first thought was "that damn landlord probably didn't adjust the boiler" and it would only be a matter of time before the building exploded. The irony was we had just finished a meeting with our insurance brokers, during which we estimated that only a cataclysmic event affecting the entire D.C. region could shut down all our business locations at once. (Only our failure to say "you know, like an earthquake, as though that would ever happen here!" kept us out of bad sitcom land) For the first time ever, I swore at work. Upon learning it was in fact a quake, I tried calling the wife, but cell service was jammed (which tells us something about the overload during any emergency). Fortunately, she texted soon after to indicate that she had been shopping at Pentagon City and managed to hitch a ride in a taxi with some Nationals Park workers.

We evacuated, and the drive home was uneventful, until reaching Maine Avenue. At this point I am a short walk from home, but a short walk does not make for a short drive--this time. The entire street is jammed solid, as all the idiots in town must have decided that the best place to be after an earthquake is the 14th Street Bridge while it is under repair. I figured maybe the power was out, so the traffic lights weren't working and that was the cause of the chaos. But no, lights were working, but some cop was directing and somehow making it worse. Forty minutes later, I had finished the final blocks home.

When all was said and done, it sort of sucks that one of the few things we had over California--lack of earthquakes--is gone.

Jersey Shore Now An Embarrassment to Dude-Bros?

Another day, another clothing retailer offers to pay a celebrity not to wear their apparel. This time it's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame, and the clothing retailer is Abercrombie and Fitch. A&F is well known for being the clothing of choice for Dude-Bros around the country, and if you're a douche playing a guitar while barefoot in a campus quad, then statistically speaking, you are definitely wearing something A&F.

First, let me get this off my chest--if the show is taking place somewhere besides the shore of New Jersey, stop calling it "Jersey Shore". "Jersey Shore Italy" or "Jersey Shore Miami Beach" makes about as much sense as having "Gilligans Island" film an extra season that takes place in San Francisco.

Second, A&F has hit upon a brilliant idea, which should be adopted further. Everyone with anything in common with the lowlives on "Jersey Shore" can get in on the action. Budweiser can pay "JWow" to not drink their beer, Bose can pay "Pauly D" to not use their stereo equipment, and the Italian American population of America can pay the entire gang of them to change their last names to "Kowalski". (Sorry, Polish folks--should have acted quicker!)

I'm willing to contribute a few hundred!