On the Bus, No One Can Hear You Scream

The latest bit of news that really fries my fishsticks is this story about some adolescents in upstate New York cruelly antagonizing their elderly bus driver.  The taunts went way beyond teasing--at one point one of the little bastards made a comment that the woman's kid should kill himself (and her son actually had committed suicide, it turns out), and another commented that he'd stab her but her lard would be like cutting through butter. 

The video went viral, and through some Internet fundraising sympathetic people have raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for this woman to take a vacation, and that's all well and good.  The problem I think I have with this is that no one has raised any money to hire a violent ex-con to get on board that bus and whip the everloving crap out of these little sh*tstains until they learn some manners.

I remember as a kid being on a relatively rowdy (for our school) bus route--one driver actually stopped the bus to tell us we were "the worst behaved route" and that "all the other drivers had to draw straws to see who would have to take this route."  At that point, we said something like "we want Randy back!" (Randy was the cool driver who didn't seem to mind our hijinks and pratfalls, such as letting off stink bombs and tossing things out windows and the running battle royale that took place in the back)  She responded: "Let me tell you something about Randy.  He's an irresponsible drug addict!"  We didn't really know what to say about that--our Randy?  The bearded, mulleted dude who always seemed cool as a cucumber?  It never occurred to us that he could have sold us pot.

But despite our misbehavior, I don't recall any outright cruelty towards a driver.  These kids on the other hand crossed the line, and their parents have the absolute sacred duty to smack the piss out of them.

I Have Seen the Future, and in it, There's Another Transformers Movie

I've tried to avoid the hype surrounding this year's hit film, "The Hunger Games", but much like a festering blister it was something I simply could not ignore.  From what the articles and reviews stated, the film seems to be some sort of modern ripoff on "The Running Man" as well as pretty much every film about a dystopian future.  In short, evil corporations run everything, and the poor and young are forced to hunt one another for sport and the amusement of rich, evil plutocrats.  Enjoy your popcorn!

This seems to be the one recurring theme in any pop-culture vision of the "future"--somehow, evil corporations will run everything and do evil things that must be stopped.  You name it--"Terminator", "Back to the Future Part II", etc.--in fact the only exception I can think of is the Star Trek universe.  Why is it that Hollywood writers seem intent on warning us about how evil and powerful corporations are?

Then it hits me--think for a minute about the only actual corporate entities that screenwriters have to deal with on a regular basis.  The movie studios!  The same group of snivelling, money-grubbing tyrants that steal ideas, doctor original works to cheapen them (and sell a few more tickets), and destroy hopes and dreams.  The group of thugs that wouldn't know film as an "art" any more than Dow Chemical would appreciate the finer points of opera. 

Take Harvey "I Stopped Eating Babies Only Because My Doctor Said They Were Fattening" Weinstein.  The year that "Saving Private Ryan" had every reason to pull off the Oscar for Best Picture, ole Harvey decides to bribe the hell out of the Academy so that they could decide "Shakespeare in Love" needed to win.  This man is a soul-destroyer, like ten Michael Boltons.

These are the corporations that decide to re-make "The Stepford Wives", not because anyone in the 2000s said "hey, I wish someone would re-make that 1975 film that almost no one saw!" but just because.  These corporations greenlight Michael Bay every chance they get, even though the man's grand contribution to cinema was a couple of racially-insensitive cars talking to one another.  These corporations destroy lives, destroy art, and destroy happiness.

So maybe the films about horrible futures where corporations act this same way are nothing more than cries for help from screenwriters who are far too scared to come out and explicitly tell the world what horrible, horrible things they are forced to do behind closed doors with the likes of Harvey Weinstein, Louis Mayer, or Steve Paramount. 

Death of "Bro"

Well, it finally happened--the term "bro", long considered overused and uncool, has reached the depths of squaresville--Senator Harry Reid, a guy who is to coolness what a railroad spike in the foot is to comfort, used "bro" in answering a question.  I, for one, am happy about this because "bro" is a term that should only be used if you're addressing your actual sibling or a monk.  Or mocking the various dudebros crowding your favorite bar.

It's been several years since "Don't tase me, bro!!!" made us uncomfortable--uncomfortable in that although that dudebro was in severe pain, we couldn't help but think the use of the word "bro" somehow made it justified.  (It was also sort of hilarious that John Kerry, a man with the human emotions of a tree, continued droning on in his speech during the entire altercation) 

But I can see the problem for "bro"-using douchebags around the country--what to do, now that famous nerd Harry Reid just made your key term of affection completely uncool?  I would suggest replacing "bro" with some other great nicknames for your friends and well-wishers:

1) "Sport."  Sort of retro!  As in, "park this for me, will you, sport?" and "I wonder if this malt shop has fine dames, sport?"  Difficulty--because the term has an old fashioned vibe, the hipsters may wish to steal it.  They did it to Pabst Blue Ribbon, they can do it to "sport."

2) "Comrade."  Has a sort of "man of he people" ring to it!  After all, who wouldn't want to be a comrade?  Here's how it sounds: "Comrade, are you also waiting on line for toilet paper rations?" "Watch what you say about the Politburo, comrade!"  "Don't tase me, comrade!"  Difficulty--don't try this in the South, or they might think you're a communist and murder you.

3) "Cracka".  Sort of takes the racial animus out of "cracker."  As in, "give me some more mayo for my Wonder Bread, cracka."  "Hey cracka, you sure dance terribly!"  Difficulty--only white people are allowed to use this term!  And don't accidentally say "cracker" instead of "cracka".

4) "Unc."  Short for "uncle", which may sound weird but then keep in mind that the people you called "bro" weren't your brothers, either.  Examples: "Unc, are you going to the Nickleback concert?"  "That Nickleback concert really sucked, unc!" 

5) "Sir."  This is a great habit to get into, because then people will think you're being really respectful, when it's pretty much what you call everyone.  And you can use it sarcastically, as in "get your feet off my coffee table, SIR!" and "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get the next round!"  Difficulty--if you're in the Army, and your commanding officer hears you call everyone else "sir" you could end up in serious trouble!

Syria, Now With More Crazy

With all the mess going on in Syria these days, it brings me comfort to know the Russians are deploying marines into the area.  Generally, a situation never really reaches its true bottom until you can say "now the Russians are involved."

Remember the last time there was a major international incident and then the Russians stepped in and improved everything?  You don't?  Well, that might be because Russia is sort of like the international affairs equivalent of a rattlesnake that grew wings and belches fire--any way you cut it, the damn thing is just going to make a bad situation worse.

Russia is like that guy who sees you giving someone CPR and decides to kick you in the neck, just because.  Russia is like that assistant fry cook who decides to dump tequila all over the grills because shut up, that's why.  The country exports crazy, imports sadness, and causes havoc everywhere it butts its head. 

And now Syria, a country already in a civil war, is about to get a full on dose of pure, uncut trouble.

Trip to the Great Smokies

This past weekend was a whirlwind trip to the Great Smoky Mountains in western North Carolina, and while I do enjoy sightseeing this trip was mainly so we could spend some quality time with my father-in-law who got a weekend pass from the hospital (either that, or we inadvertently busted him out!).  He's staying in his hometown of Cherokee, which is right on the reservation and if I know my urban legends that means no laws at all.  As it happens, I forgot to bring my counterfeiting plates and spotted owls filled with cocaine, so instead we kept things pretty PG-13.  A few observations about Cherokee:

1) Very friendly people, even by Southern standards.  Everyone's happy to give you directions, and unlike the horrible wastes-of-life that we get on Northern Virginia's highways, people down there will actually let you merge in and change lanes without acting as though you just murdered their family.

2) Want to eat healthy?  No chance, bub!  Everything is fried, and delicious, because they don't even try to make the stuff they fry it in healthy.  But you can also feast on catfish and frogs legs for about half what you pay in D.C.

3) The scenery is absolutely amazing.  It reminded me a lot of Maine, except the mountains are higher and steeper.  It would be a terrific place to own a country home.

4) It helps to have a rental car with Florida plates, because everyone automatically assumes you don't know the area and being a Floridian are more likely insane and not to be messed with.

5) We got to see a nice outdoor play depicting the plight of the Eastern Cherokees (nutshell--Trail of Tears?  No thanks, we'll just stay here, we're not fans of long walks!  Oh and Andrew Jackson sucks!), to get some culture and see some of my wife's roots on display.  Now, to even things up, I'll have to have her watch The Godfather.

6) Seeing that my father-in-law's housing situation is coming together and spending time with him on Father's Day made the trip a success, though it meant missing Father's Day with my own father.  However, I hear he got served surf-n'-turf at my sister's new place in Brooklyn, so I don't think he was complaining!

All in all, we hope to get down to those parts again soon for a longer visit.  And back to a rainy Monday!

Friday Thoughts

1) I want to see a reality show called "Making Friends" where the contestants are judged at how well they can make friends with others.  Then when they interview the "sassy" contestant who says "hey, I'm not here to make friends!" the producer can point out that that's exactly what they're here to do.

2) If you watch enough comedies without laugh tracks, you start to find comedies with laugh tracks creepy.  Particularly when you realize that the laughter on the track was taken from recordings from the 1950s and much of that laughter comes from dead people.

3) It used to be impressive for someone to say they have seen every single episode of a particular TV series.  Now it just means they have a Netflix account and had a very rainy Sunday.

4) Every time there's been a scandal, the media adds "-gate" after the relevant word to compare it to Watergate ("Travelgate", "Irangate", "Whitewatergate").  Why don't they do this with other media narratives?  Any war that is starting to look like Vietnam could have "-nam" added after it.  I'm afraid Afghansitan-nam could be trouble for the president!

5) Whenever liberals or conservatives complain that "all the stupid people are voting for" the other party, it seems they're just jealous that they weren't able to trick the stupid people as well as the other side was.  Better luck next time, jerks!  Try to fit your philosophy more on a bumper sticker.

6) Yesterday I saw an "Obama '08" bumper sticker on a guy's car.  Hey buddy, they have new stickers out, you know!  Quit living in the past!

Apocalypse When

Viewing the extended version of "Apocalypse Now" has made one thing very clear--sometimes a director really needs arbitrary studio suits to force them to edit down a lot of their unnecessary scenes!  Well, that and I don't remember so much synthesizer music last time I saw the film.  It gives it the feel of a cheap '80s action film.

"Apocalypse" is certainly a great film, easily Francis Ford Coppola's third best, and one of the best films made about the Vietnam War (after "Full Metal Jacket").  It follows the story of Captain Willard (Martin Sheen), sent deep into the jungle via riverboat to find and "terminate the command" of a brilliant but insane Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando).  Along the way, they (Willard and the boat crew) encounter all sorts of horrors, from a wild tiger to a ferocious helicopter assault (led by Air Cavalry Colonel Kilgore, played by Robert Duvall in a scene stealing role) on an enemy-held village (which happens to also be a great place for surfing after the battle).  The journey culiminates in the loss of the whole crew, meeting Kurtz in his jungle empire (where the natives consider him a god) and ultimately the assassination. 

There were many notable bits of trivia about the film, including:

1) A small cameo with Harrison Ford, as the filming was done in 1976 but the movie was released in 1979, after he became famous as Han Solo;

2) The opening scene of Willard's drunken stumblings were actually ad libbed, as Sheen was quite drunk at the time and Coppola just filmed it;

3) The crew used extras and helicopters from the Phillippine government for filming, but that country was undergoing a war against its own rebels at the time and frequently had to take back some of the helicopters on loan;

4) One of the soldiers on Willard's boat is played by a 14 year old Laurence Fishburne.

The long version--which I'm only 2/3 of the way through by now--runs for over 3 hours, and I can understand why the studio insisted on cutting it down.  Among the scenes that could have been left out:

1) Kilgore flying over the boat, asking for his surfboard back.  In the edited version, it leaves Kilgore the way it found him, as a larger than life figure.  The added comedy of him trying to get his surfboard back should have been left on the floor.

2) A scene where the crew meets some French holdouts at a decayed plantation in the jungle, where they bury their dead.  It doesn't really add anything and breaks the flow of the film.

3) A scene where the crew finds a largely abandoned river base where the Playboy bunnies they saw earlier are staying, and the bunnies are pimped out to them in exchange for some fuel.  It seems odd that the no-nonsense Willard (who is so mission oriented he kills off a wounded peasant so it wouldnt' slow him down to get her to help) would trade necessary fuel so the crew could get some quickie sex.  It just seemed unnecessarily unpleasant.

Of course, there's still another hour to go in this film, so there may be more new scenes that might or might not be a benefit to the film as a whole.  But the extra length itself--as well as that the extra scenes dont' do much to flesh out the characters or story--already makes me prefer the shorter, theatrical release.