Well, Now The Peace Prize is a Total Joke

Well, it isn't an Onion headline--President Obama has been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, which is interesting because his accomplishments in terms of world peace so far include . . . well, pretty much squat so far. Defenders of giving him this award are saying that it's more because of the promise he's demonstrated, and what he intends to do. Well, that's swell! I hope that means I can get an Academy Award now for that movie I plan to make in a few years. Do they give out Pulitzer Prizes for writing that hasn't been done yet? Sort of like an advance?

What I'm hearing from this is that Obama got the Prize as part of a repudiation of George Bush, who the Nobel Committee (representing the European elite opinion here) consider to be the greatest contributor to all causes against peace since the Hitler-Stalin Hybrid (Stitler!) of the 1940s. Apparently, giving the Prize to Jimmy Carter (a noted Bush critic and fellow disaster as president) and Al Gore (Bush's nemesis from 2000, and a fellow dullard) was too subtle--instead, the Prize is to be given to the man who succeeded (without ever actually running against) Bush in the Oval Office. Forget for a minute that Obama is essentially staying the same course as Bush in Iraq and Afghanistan, has kept Guantanamo Bay open as a prison camp for terror suspects, kept the PATRIOT Act going, and . . . you basically have a premature and immature bestowing of the Prize. If they really hate Bush so much, can't they make up a new award, like the Nobel Un-Peace Prize? In the world of actual world leaders, diplomats, activists and philanthropists who are actually making real strides in brokering treaties and ending wars and easing international tensions and helping end poverty, do they really need to give this award to Obama now?

Look, I'm hoping Obama does actually find a way to disengage from Iraq and Afghanistan and repair our relations with countries from the Far East to Latin America, and help tackle both international and domestic problems (such as our economy). I hope he's able to do something in the next 4 to 8 years to actually deserve a Peace Prize. But giving him the Prize this year is just plain shitballs retarded.

Literally!

Nothing pisses me off more than a stupid idiot. Of course, I should rephrase that--some idiots are just fine, when they don't harm themselves or others. I just don't care for idiots who arent' aware that they're idiots (see, Al Gore, George W Bush, Dan Snyder) or idiots who are actually proud of their idiocy, as though it is some badge of honor (Sarah Palin). And then there are idiots who use the word "literally" wrong.

My theory is that there are a large number of people who use the word "literally" because they aren't aware of the word "figuratively". Such as:

1) "I could literally kill that guy." Really? You're prepared to stalk and kill this person, and most likely hide the body in a hole somewhere (need your "Hole Buddy"!) and concoct an alibi? All because he didnt' serve you a beer fast enough? Psycho!

2) "That is literally the hottest chick on the planet." Really? You've somehow done a survey of the 3 billion women on the planet, and used some generally understood metric to judge "hotness", and found this woman to outshine them all? That's an impressive study, you should publish these findings!

3) "I could literally eat a horse right now." Really? You're prepared to pay some farmer for one of this thoroughbreds, ask him to kill it for you (I'm assuming you don't want the unpleasantness of wielding the axe and the horse screams to haunt your nights), and cook up all its parts, and eat the whole thing? Take some TUMS (R).

4) "That guy is literally retarded." Really? That man who cut you off in traffic is in fact a special needs case, with a sub-level IQ, which probably accounts for his driving erratically and not checking his blind spot? You mean to tell me that the state hands out drivers' licenses to people of such dangerously low intelligence levels that it would jeopardize the very lives of its citizenry? Okay, in this case you're probably right.

I asked my doctor for a second opinion. He said, "okay, you're also a despot enforcing sharia law on a modern populace."

Well, just when you thought the Jews hadn't suffered enough! Looks like the Israeli-hating, Holocaust-denying leader of Iran might be Jewish after all. This would give ammunition to the conspiracy theorists in the Iranian government who think the Jews control everything--including their own Jew-bashing leader! The irony is enough to make you want to enrich uranium for not-so-peaceful purposes.

Of course, if this turns out to be true it remains to be seen whether this will change Achmadinejad's (let's just call him Mr. A) outlook. It could be that he knew he was Jewish all along, and was one of those "self hating Jews" that try and cover their ancestry out of some psychological turmoil. Or, he could be one of those "self deprecating Jews" like Woody Allen, and will pepper his speeches to the U.N. with references to domineering mothers, wives who give him heartburn, the big-boobed girl in Philosophy class and other Borscht-Belt tropes. Give the man a Yiddish accent and we could be looking at the next Henny Youngman! Take my Supreme Ayatollah....please!

In the meantime, let's just hope he doesn't blow anything up.

Assholery Is So Too a Word

With the fall season coming on, we're seeing nights and weekends filling up quickly as this is the most festive part of the year. Between Oktoberfest, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Belgian Appreciation Day, Greek Hatred Day, the Jumprope Festival, Tickle a Wiccan Eve, Tickle a Wiccan Day, and Contest the Restraining Order Filed By the Wiccan Fest, it looks like there will be few slow and dreamy fall days ahead. Below are some party suggestions from the gang:

1) Oktoberfest Theme Party. Pluses--if we celebrate the Germans it might keep them from marching in and stomping all over us as they often do. Minuses--last time we celebrated Oktoberfest we ended up taking over Poland. Sorry Poland!

2) Halloween Party. Pluses--gives me a chance to wear a white sheet without giving people the wrong idea. I just like the smell of fresh linen, people! Minuses--party hosts making you eat everything in the dark and telling you it's really brains even though you're pretty sure brains don't taste like Cheetos.

3) Talent Show Party. Pluses--gives me a chance to emcee! Minuses--none of us have anything approaching actual talent.

4) Fall Harvest Party. Pluses--this might inspire the gods of the harvest to give us plentiful bounty next year in exchange for our gratitude. Save us, harvest gods! Minuses--how many harvest worshipping societies are thriving these days?

5) Celebrate the Day the Redskins are Eliminated From the Playoffs. Pluses--we know this will be pretty early in the fall, so we can even hold this one outdoors. Minuses--Dan Snyder still owns the team and lends his assholery to it on a regular basis.

Chi-Town Denial!

So word on the street is Chicago lost its bid for the Olympics in the first round of voting. To which I say, that's a relief! The amount of money they'd need to spend to build the facilities, the losses in commuting time and additional security necessary, not to mention the opportunity costs (consider if such money and effort could be put into something useful, like a giant sign that reads "show us your tits" and can be read from outer space by aliens)--who needs it! The estimates on the costs were also laughably conservative, especially considering this is Chicago we're talking about. Even the parking meters have special slots for inserting bribes for the meter maids.


Of course, some are making political hay out of it since President Obama went and made his pitch for Chicago to the Olympic Committee, as if that had anything to do with it. (After wearing President Bush's acrimonious relationship with other international officials like a badge of honor, you'd think conservatives would be proud of Obama getting "snubbed" here) More likely, the choice between the beaches of Rio and the backdrop of TV's "Good Times" was the determining factor.


That said, it's always the case that they have to practically construct an entire city for the Olympics every time they hold them--stadiums, facilities, athletes quarters. Seems it'd make more sense to just hold the Games every year in the same city, so they wouldn't have to keep up this building and tearing down. Seems simple to me, people!


That said, Chicago will just have to keep being famous for a pot-pie that they call pizza, Al Capone, and Walter Payton.

Whoopi Goldberg Isn't Actually Jewish!

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am, and always have been, an opponent of rape. Apparently this would be an unremarkable statement, ranking up there with politicians who say "I want to help working families" or "I love America!" in that no one is really going to say "I respectfully beg to differ, kind sir!" But apparently a lot of Europeans and more than a few of our Hollywood glitterati (people who glitter) are willing to hedge on the question of rape.

Case in point--Roman Polanski, who's made two decent films (Pianist and Chinatown) and one overrated film (Rosemary's Baby, seriously folks it's a friggin' baby, it's the Devil's, so kill it already), and probably a bunch of others I haven't seen. As it happens, he's also a Holocaust survivor, and later in life had to deal with the fact that his young (and hot, but that's not relevant) wife and unborn child were slain along with some other party guests by a bunch of hippies. (For the record--hippies normally they just keep to themselves and only affect the rest of us by driving up the price of patchouli and hemp, but in the case of the Mansons things went too far) Ordinarily, this is a man who would have everyone's sympathy.

However, in 1977 he also had sex with an underage girl. Normally, when I hear "statutory rape" I withhold judgment, because in the case of say a 21 year old meeting someone at a party who claims to be 18 and it turns out they were only 17, and it was consensual, I don't like to put that in the category of sexual predation. (I think "predation" is a word, or it should be. It sounds better than "predatorness"). I know society has to draw a line at age, but there is a gray area around young adulthood, and the laws can be arbitrary (what's perfectly legal in one state can put you in prison in another) and abused by families that don't approve of their teenager's dating choices. But then there are more clear-cut cases.

Polanski was in his forties, and the girl wasn't "barely underage" but instead aged 13. He also knew her age--he'd needed her mother to sign a consent form so he could take photos of her for French "Vogue" magazine. He also plied her with booze and a sedative, and she'd resisted his advances. Ultimately, he pled guilty to a slightly lesser charge, but fled the country before sentencing. He settled the civil case that the girl brought, and has been living overseas ever since.

Now that he's been taken into custody (by the Swiss, who are extraditing him) a bunch of Hollywood halfwits, including Whoopi "Didn't I Once Have a Career?" Goldberg and Martin "I Really Need Some Coke" Scorsese are clamoring for his release, arguing that he's a talented filmmaker, suffered enough in his life, etc. One has to wonder if the same circumstances had happened with the accused predator being an unknown schlub who never won an Academy Award, would they have come to his defense?

No Tax on Beer, Fools!

I'm a simple man--hand be a box of paper clips and I'll amuse myself for hours until I accidentally poked myself in the eye. I don't ask for much from my government, render unto Caesar and all that--because frankly I expect so little from the sort of people--legislators--who think there's nothing fishy or stupid about spending $10 million to get a $150,000 a year job for two years. Our leaders are idiots, to be sure, but so long as they let me have my little amusements I'll leave them to their follies.

One of my little amusements is beer--that fine, age-old brew that can provide ease after a long hard day, can enhance conversation, and can repair bad relations (remember when the President invited the black professor and the white cop who arrested him over for beers?). And now some short-sighted individuals are suggesting that our collection of 535 mouth-breathers who legislate at our Capitol impose a new tax on beer to help pay for health care. Might I just say that this idea ranks somewhere between "let's give Hitler that bit of land, he'll leave us all alone after that" and "let's execute this Christ fellow, so once and for all we don't have to hear any more from his followers".

I know the government wants to find a way to pay for health care reform, and apparently there's just no money around after propping up governments in Iraq and Afghanistan, or building highways to uninhabited Alaskan islands, or paying farmers not to grow corn, and paying artists to cover a statute of the Virgin Mary in urine. But you know what? Tax something that sucks, like broccoli or tofu. At least beer will help me get over the news that my health insurance claim was denied.