Tips For Dealing With People

People often say to me, they say "Brando, how are you so good with people?" Okay, no one actually ever says that, but work with me here--I've learned a lot in my years about how to deal with people in ways that would make Dale Carnegie blush. With shame and embarrassment! Here are my tips:

1) Show up at a business meeting with a scar, and when they ask what happened casually explain that you beat up a ninja on your way in. They'll see that you're a force to be reckoned with from that point on.

2) When on a date, try not to use the words "ex-girlfriend" and "temporary restraining order" in the same sentence. I've done the math--there's no way to make this good.

3) When ordering from a waitress, don't ask for "the cheapest house booze you got, mixed with something to hide the cheapness of the booze". She'll think you're unsophisticated! Instead, say you have an allergy to glass, and would prefer any booze stored in a plastic bottle. Does the trick!

4) When confronting a gang of toughs on the sidewalk, don't step aside out of deference--this displays inferiority! Instead, pretend you see an old friend on the other side of the street, and wave and cross then. Shout out something like "hey, Rupert, you old so-and-so! I haven't seen you since college!" Don't worry if no one is on the other side of the street to act the part of "Rupert"--the ruffians will assume you were mistaken and give you the benefit of the doubt.

5) On public transportation, be sure to give up your seat to a crippled rider, unless you have reason to suspect that s/he were crippled while leading a neo-Nazi fundraiser where they were beating up nuns and kittens and s/he tripped while swinging his/her club at a nun holding a kitten. In which case, they can stand on the subway, thank you very much.