I Should Totally Be Mayor

Whenever I look at the way things are in D.C., I think to myself "wow, I could really do a much better job as mayor". At that point my friends usually try and change the subject, because they know that if I really put my mind to it I could overcome the fact that I'm actually a Virginia resident and then I'd actually get elected and not have as much time to hang out with them. Don't worry, friends! I'll get you cushy city jobs so we can still hang out.

Here's how I'd get elected:

1) Promise to build a city zoo. When someone points out that we already have one, I'd say "mission accomplished" and set up an elaborate ribbon cutting ceremony.

2) Use a different colored light for each car on the metro trains--that way, when the trains go by it'll be sort of like a disco. All the dancing on the train platforms might become a problem safety-wise, but I'm sure it would work itself out.

3) Solve the city's crime problem by starting a rumor that cars are much easier to rip off in Philadelphia. The car thieves would flock up there in droves, bringing the murderers and muggers with them. Sorry Philly! You should have thought of this plan first.

4) Budget issues? So easy I'm surprised no one thought of it. The city could counterfeit currency (shouldn't be too hard, since we should have some laid-off Treasury workers around) and pay for services with the fake money. If the Feds investigate us we'll say that the charges are so ludicrous we won't dignify them by responding. Hopefully that'll shame them into not asking any more questions.

5) Set up a toll booth outside the White House. Not only will the president have to pay our toll every time he comes and goes, same goes for his Secret Service detail! Cha ching! Note--this won't work if he uses the helicopter.

6) Replace our city's main circles with big swimming pools. In the summer heat, a pool can't be beat--and no one knows who half these old Civil War generals are anyway. Sorry, Scott, Dupont and Thomas! Better luck next time!