Review of "Teeth"--SPOILERS!

Last night I saw the movie "Teeth" which is the story of a high school girl who is part of the "abstinence only" crowd (wearing purity rings, doing lots of knitting, being frustrated) who happens to have deadly rows of teeth in her vagina, with horribly hilarious results for the many guys who try to have sex with her. I was hesitant to watch this at first, as rape (or attempted rape) scenes disturb me, and genital mutilation only adds to the level of disturbingness, but this movie was also a bit of a comedy. Notably, the part where the gynecologist has his fingers bitten off and screams "vagina dentata! It's trueeee!!!!!" had me laugh out loud. And a male would-be rapist who has himself de-penisified (yeah it's a word) looks down at the damage with such a goofy mask of horror that it was hard to take it too seriously.

As for the movie's "message", it's hard to figure out what it is. The first "victim" of the teeth is a would-be rapist, so maybe the moral is to not try and rape a girl because she might have teeth in her vagina. Okay, didn't need that lesson--wasn't planning on going raping!--but good to know. Then the teeth de-fingerfy a gynocologist, though far as I could tell his only crime was being too rough in his examination of the girl's lady parts. So he was a bit of an innocent victim. The third case was a guy who callously took a phone call during sex, insulting the girl with the teeth--fair enough! No phone calls! Also hilarious was where this victim was having his penis re-attached at the ER, and the surgeons remark that there's a lot of this (de-penisifying) going around, and one of them says "almost doesnt' seem worth re-attaching this one" and the other surgeons laugh. Oh, the hospital hijinks! After this point, the girl with the teeth is now using them as weapons, seducing and mutilating guys left and right.

So lessons learned here? No raping, be gentle if doing a gynocological exam, no phone calls during sex, if a girl seduces you check her vagina for teeth first, and if you're giving a female hitchhiker a ride just ask her for gas money rather than sex.

And stay away from chicks with purity rings!