Whoopi Is So Getting a Swirly

It's a pretty well-known fact that Whoopi Goldberg is a worthless idiot. But now, she has taken a shot at the Gray Lady herself (by which I mean the New York Times, not Dame Judi Densch, who by the way eats bits of Whoopi Goldberg in her cereal each morning because you DON'T SCREW WITH THE DENSCH!). Apparently, she got all mad that the Times wrote an article about black Oscar winners, and didn't mention Whoopi specifically.

Okay, first of all, far better black actors have won the Oscar--Denzel Washington won twice, and the only way he would have done a better job in "Training Day" would be if he were to have given Ethan Hawke a swirly. (Notably, Sidney Poitier managed to win the Oscar back in the '60s for giving Rod Steiger a swirly. Great acting coaches like Lee Strasberg and Stella Adler have taught us that there is no way to prove your acting prowess better than shoving someone's head in a toilet and flushing. And . . . scene.)

Second of all, really, Whoopi? You win an Oscar for playing a role reminiscent of Steppin Fetchit in the film "Ghost", and get the award because who knows why, and you think you deserve some special mention? If Sidney Poitier was alive today, he'd give you a swirly.

Note: Sidney Poitier is in fact alive. Whoopi had best steer clear of any toilets.