Twilight? More like Twi-wrong!

I've been pretty much insulated from the "Twilight" movie and book craze, largely because I'm a guy and I'm not 14 years old. So I can't criticize the films/books (or ideas behind the films/books) from any experience, but from the buzz around it it seems the idea is that vampires are brooding emo goth hipsters with moused hair and sparkly skin who fall in love against their will.

In other words, vampires are totally lame.

This is a terrible trend--the best vampires were the ghoulish, Nosferatu style tall white freakish blood suckers that glide through the dark and haunt our dreams. The sort of things that you'd lose your shit over if you saw them in your closet or basement. Why turn them all lame and mopey?

Some theories exist that the vampire legend is based on observing people reacting to having rabies--the legends apparently spread in the same times and places as major rabies outbreaks. Rabies symptoms--aversion to water and light, insatiable thirst, aversion to pungent smells (like garlic?), crazy behavior and a need to attack and bite people--are not unlike the symptoms attributed to vampires, and rabies, like vampirism, is spread through the blood. What does rabies NOT do to you? Turn you into a sullen teenager who wears black and has moussed hair and doesn't want to fall in love!

TV's The Office

I'm as big a fan of the TV show "The Office" as anyone--both the British and the American versions--and have found that the various characters seem to get better and better as the season runs on. The Jim and Pam romance has actually been touching and amusing, while normally on shows such a pairing would be a sign of sure shark-jumping crapulence (see, Friends). The Dwight character has become multi-layered, as he has proven gullible, evil, insane and deviously charming all at once. The addition of Andy "The Nard-dog" Bernard has been nothing short of excellent--from his insecure name-dropping of his alma mater ("Cornell--ever heard of it?") to his absolute hangdoggedness around women and his sad attempts to get the nickname "Tuna" to catch on. His battles with Dwight are a regular highlight of the show. The side characters--Stanley, Kevin, Oscar, Toby and Meredith in particular--have provided great comedic support. And Creed? That old rascal is one of the best on there. That's not to leave out Kelly, Ryan, Daryl or Phillys either--there's just so much comedic gold there.

However, I've been getting to a point where the main character--Michael Scott, the boss--has crossed the line from funny to cartoonishly stupid and rotten. It has gotten to the point where I'd like to strangle him, from when he tried to deny Jim a deserved promotion (and ended up also denying himself a promotion--instead they both had to share a "co-manager" position) to when he dated Pam's mom and dumped her on her birthday in front of her daughter. (Simply because she was "too old" as though he was some real catch). For example:

1) The time his GPS told him to turn right and he saw there was no road and just a lake ahead, and he drives into the lake anyway because the GPS told him to. Really?

2) When he tries his "magic ticket" promotion, and it fails at first, he snivellingly tells his boss that it was Dwight's idea. When his boss tells him it turned out to be a success, and praises Dwight, Michael turns around and says it was his own idea all along--as though the boss would give him credit after seeing him disown the idea and try to pass blame onto a flunky? Really?

3) When he's in a deposition, and the attorney says something that could be taken as an innuendo, he can't stop himself from saying "that's what she said!"--like some dude with Tourette's Syndrome--and even sticks by his childishly stupid comment when it is read back to him. In a legal proceeding. Really?

4) Company picnic when during his stupid skit he mentions that the Buffalo branch is going to be closed down--which was information his boss told him in confidence. This is of course revealed right in front of the employees of the Buffalo branch, who naturally cause an uproar. Really?

5) Last night's episode--the shareholders meeting--when despite Michael's history of saying stupid things and being a wild card, the management invites him up on the dais, giving him the chance to speak out of turn and promise the shareholders something that the management couldn't deliver (that they'd have a plan to save the company in the next hour). Really?

The problem isn't just that the show makes Steve Carrell--the great comic actor playing Michael--overplay his part as a stupid and insensitive "boss from hell". Making him a bit less obvious would help, of course. But at a certain point it makes little sense that management would tolerate the things he does--after he betrayed his boss's confidence about closing the Buffalo branch, why would he trust him to be on the stand at the shareholder meeting? We're made to understand that Michael is actually a good salesman, and this may explain why his branch (Scranton) has been profitable. But clearly he can't manage--anyone watching even one episode would see that--and it'd make more sense to bump him down to salesman and let him rake in the commissions.

Am I overthinking a TV show? Yep. Favorite moment though? The awkward dinner party Michael and Jan hosted. The meter stick by which all dinner parties should be judged!

Morning Thoughts

1) Why is it that when someone says "no offense, but..." they're about to offend you?

2) Why is "dyslexic" not spelled the same frontwords and backwords? (Or the word "palindrome" for that matter?)

3) Why is "abbreviate" such a long word?

4) Why does Rush Limbaugh say that Sarah Palin's new book is the "best policy book" he's ever read? Has he read no other books before?

5) Why do people say "what goes around, comes around"? That's only really true for things that travel in circles. If I toss a rock into a field it's not like I'm going to find that rock on my pillow the next day. Or will I...?

6) Why did they call it "twitter" when a better word for it is "e-stalker"?

7) And on that note, is it really stalking if the "victim" wants to be stalked? By twittering?

8) How did all sitcoms go from having laugh tracks to having the actors just awkwardly pause where the laughter used to be?

9) How did laugh tracks come about in the first place? Did someone say "maybe people will now know it's okay to laugh here"? They don't use them for movies, just television. Should someone have invented a "cheering track" for musical studio recordings?

10) How come once we get used to an Internet browser or word processing application they have to upgrade and change it to something we have to re-learn? Did anyone actually complain to Microsoft that the current versions were too easy to figure out?

You and Your Rules!

You know what really boils my potatoes? Stupid expressions. Like "rules were made to be broken". Er, no they weren't! They were made to be followed. Just try using that argument in court: "Your honor, I know it's against the law to do an eight ball of cocaine off the naked back of a dead hooker, but you know what they say--rules are made to be broken!"

Now, let's explore the context behind the saying "rules were made to be broken." Whenever someone says it, what they're really trying to point out is that it's okay to break a rule every now and again. This of course I agree with--perhaps the rule itself is stupid, like 18 year olds being allowed to go fight for their country, be tried as adults, marry and have kids, pay taxes--but not have a beer legally. A terribly stupid rule, as well as grossly offensive to anyone with the ability to fire off a few neurons in their brain (and of course this wouldn't include Congress because they have the collective brainpower of primordial ooze).

Or, the rule isn't stupid, but the application of it to a particular case is unjust or useless. It's against the rules to run a red light, because of the obvious dangers of collisions (which is something I wish my fellow drivers on my morning commute could understand, but of course this is Fairfax). However, in some situations--late at night on an empty road and you're trying to drive your wife to a hospital, and you can see clearly that there is no other driver or pedestrian at the intersection--there's nothing wrong with going through the light while it's red. Sure, a cop spotting that might pull you over, but on learning the situation would more likely give you an escort to the hospital and let you off. (Unless the cop is a jerkface).

So yes, there are situations in which it should be okay to violate a rule. Perhaps it would make more sense to say "rules can be broken when unjust or unreasonable in certain circumstances" but I guess that's not as catchy as "rules are made to be broken".

Agree to Disagree

My new thing now is backing up any outrageous opinion I have by simply saying "let's agree to disagree". It really works anywhere! Watch:

1) "Brando, I really don't think they can kick New Jersey out of the union just because you find it to be an embarrassment to the country." "Well, let's agree to disagree."

2) "Brando, you took my last Coke from the fridge! I was saving that!" "We can discuss all day who took whose Coke, but let's just agree to disagree."

3) "You borrowed my car and returned it without a windshield or wheels. You bastard!" "Look, whether or not the car had wheels and a windshield to begin with is a question for the ages. We'll just have to agree to disagree."

4) "I ordered a ham sandwich and you clearly brought me a bowl of soup instead. This is not a ham sandwich." "Maybe it's a ham sandwich, maybe you're hallucinating, maybe they make ham sandwiches in this restaurant which look a lot like soup. I'm not here to argue, let's just agree to disagree."

5) "I trust you to mow my lawn and now I walk in and see you sleeping with my wife. You are a terrible friend!" "Maybe this is your wife, maybe this is her clone that you never met before and your wife lent us your bedroom for the day. I'm not a scientist. Let's agree to disagree!"

6) "You said in your email that you're a trim 132 pounds and yet you're six feet tall and at least that wide. You're a liar!" "You see a morbidly obese man, and maybe you have a vision problem. We'll have to agree to disagree."

Look Who Made it Into the Times

Well, it finally happened--fellow blogger Disaffected Scanner Jockey made it into the NY Times Style Section, apparently because the writer of the article had Googled the words "etiquette vigilante" and voila! All I can say is look out Miss Manners, you've got some competition! Of course the DSJ's rules of proper etiquette are well known in these parts, and the constant faux pas of the many people in our gang are always giving her new material. It was only a matter of time before the national media would pick up on it.

DSJ of course has pointed out that some of her quotes were out of context, as the article tends to make her seem less conciliatory and tactful in cases where dealing with someone's breach of etiquette. As someone who regularly uses the wrong fork when stabbing a fellow rider on Metro, I can't relate. But I can say that it's nice to have a celebrity in the gang!

We're all eagerly awaiting the coffee table book on etiquette, DSJ...

Things Learned Over the Weekend

1) Bubblegum vodka tastes like Debbie Gibson's vomit. So if you had a really weird fetish in the late '80s, look no further!

2) Grasshopper tacos are the answer to all of your questions, so long as your only questions involve how to get more delicious grasshopper into your diet.

3) Sweet tea vodka is the perfect thing for that Southern Dandy who has everything. Everything but a liver problem and a sweet dose of diabetes.

4) Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington puts together a pretty mean burger, though I'd still have to give the edge to a homemade burger with soup mix in the patty. Parking in North Arlington? Still sucks.

5) You know you're no longer in Maine when you can get blunch on November 15th and request an outside seat so you can enjoy the 73 degree weather.

6) Drinking wine from a decanter won't make you any less drunk.