Monday, August 31, 2009

Picking Up Women, Part Two

Where we left off last, we were discussing how poor (or "the unrich", to be politically correct), unattractive short men can pick up women by using Truly Brilliant Super Strategy (TBSS). First, though, I want to raise the alternate theories of picking up women so I can demonstrate why TBSS is so much superior to them. Think of it this way--all other theories are like trying to start a car using a rock and a bottle. TBSS is like trying to start a car with car keys. (The beauty of TBSS is it doesn't require you to be good at analogies.)

A lot of self-styled pickup artists ("PUAs" for short) use something they call "game" which involves "peacocking", "negs" and "grabbing a boob when no one is watching". If you ever go out to a bar and see a guy wearing a Russian-style bearskin cap even though it's summer and you live in Miami, then that man is "peacocking"--making himself stand out so he gets noticed. The idea there is that when a woman sees him and says "I think that guy might be mentally slow, is it right for them to serve him beer???" what she really means is "a guy wearing a hat like that must be really good at the sex if he's willing to wear a hat like that with confidence!" Then, bearskin cap guy will use "negs" which are sort of like teasing flirty moves--a backhanded compliment or disguised insult in order to take her by surprise. While most guys would say "hey, you look pretty fine! How about we go hop in the back of my Yugo and I make you preggers?", a guy using "negs" would change this to "hey, nice dress, makes you look like one of the higher priced hookers. And I'd invite you to the back of my Yugo for some groping but it only fits small European asses."

See what he did there? She went from wondering whether the guy ever cleans his bearskin hat to now wondering whether her dress really is a hooker dress, and doubting whether her friends lied to her about her ass-size. And now she wants the sex with this guy! Game, set, match!

However, this strategy has its obvious drawbacks, namely the availability of both blunt and sharp objects in most bars, and women who in this liberated age are not afraid to get a little stabby.

Another strategy is stalking. Of course, stalking only works in one place--romantic comedies! We've seen it a million times, guy meets girl, girl prefers guys who aren't Jack Black or Robin Williams, and guy then decides to break into her house and win her over at a fancy dinner party with hilarious results. The problem is that this strategy can even get you on one of those sex offender lists, and then you have to explain to future dates why you're not allowed to take her to any restaurants within 500 yards of a school or day care center. Awkward!

Some guys say "what about picking up foreign women? They might be from a poor country like Bangladesh, and so relatively speaking, I'm a rich guy! And due to the low calcium diet of the Bangladeshis, I'd be at least taller than her male relatives! Score!" In theory, this is a good strategy, but in reality, even women from the Third World can sniff out desperation in American men (as dogs can sniff out fear when you're just trying to go door to door to sell candy for your wrestling team even though you'd rather quit the team anyway because wrestling sucks). It won't last!

So, with those strategies proven flawed, that leaves only TBSS, which we shall discuss in Part Three....

Friday, August 28, 2009

Picking Up Women, Part One

A lot of people ask me, "Hey Brando, what's the best strategy for picking up women?" And then they say "oh wait, look who I'm asking." Then I pretend to have not heard that, and I tell them my super sure tips to picking up members of the fairer sex!

1) Be good looking. That's key--if you're good looking, you don't have to be funny, because women will think you're deep, and you don't have to be smart because women will think you have "unconventional intelligence". They will laugh at your bad jokes, because nothing's funnier than a good looking man saying something.

2) What if you're not good looking? No fear, there are other possibilities for you! You can be really really rich. Now, I know what you're thinking--"aren't women who are with you just because you're rich, well, shallow? Do I want a shallow woman?" To this I say, flimshaw! There's nothing shallow about being with a guy for his money. Money is a measure of hard work, or being related to someone who worked hard. That's an essential human trait! Unless you're rich because you got lucky (lottery, stock market). But that means that the Universe favors you. Nothing shallow about the Universe, people!

3) Okay, you're rich and not good looking. What now? Be tall. Women love guys taller than them. Partly because if you stand with the sun behind your head they can't really tell if you're good looking. Plus, tall guys can reach more fruit when you're hunting and gathering. Can't say no to fruit.

4) Okay, you're short, not good looking, and not rich. What now? Well, that's where Truly Brilliant Super Strategy (TBSS) comes into play. Stay tuned for Part Two....

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Another Loss in the Battle Against Death

A lot has been made of Ted Kennedy's death the other day, what with long screeds about how great he was, etc. I suppose if I were a liberal Democrat I'd probably have seen him as some sort of hero, but not sharing his politics I see him more as the dim bulb of a privileged political family who was suspended from Harvard for cheating, ducked out of combat service during the Korean War, and was a problem drinker way longer than is cool--sort of the George W. Bush of his family (though never president, so unable to start a never-ending war in the desert). Plus, he drowned a girl and used family connections to evade the law for what was at least criminally negligent behavior. I'd also heard from people who'd worked for him that he was a dick to his staff and to anyone serving him (granted, that's second-hand, never witnessed this myself). I'd say I was never much of a fan of Ted Kennedy.

That said, I wouldn't with death on anyone--especially death following a long and painful illness. The nature of humankind's long struggle against Death--perhaps the subject of another post, but to say the least I see Death as one of God's cruelties that we should all be fighting at all times--should unite friend and foe alike. And the loss of someone we may not have cared for is still an occasion for sad reflection, that we lost yet another person to Death and offer condolences to their loved ones. RIP, Ted.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Finding My Religion

After many years of being rather agnostic, I figure it's about time to pick a new religion--it's sort of a must in politics! Imagine for a minute if Obama didn't go to church regularly--people might accuse him of being a secret Muslim or something! Ronald Reagan ran a risk of being pegged as an atheist when he didn't go to church during his presidency, but he cleverly answered that going to church would be a security risk for the other parishioners. Check and mate, Reagan! I even used that excuse when I was growing up, until my dad pointed out that no one was going to try and shoot me because I wasn't famous or powerful. Yet.

So I need to pick a religion that doesn't require too much kneeling, allows for regular skipping of services, and doesn't ban anything I enjoy doing. Let's look at the options:

1) Islam. The multiple wives thing would be neat, but having so many women telling me what to do all the time would require me to do a lot more drinking. But wait! That's forbidden! Crap.

2) Buddhism. I can't share a religion with Richard Gere. I just can't.

3) Catholocism. They have cool stuff like Crusades and Inquisitions, and the neatest looking churches. Plus, how sweet is it to be able to recant everything on your deathbed? But their services are too long, and they're always asking for money.

4) Judaism. This seems neat because most Jews I know are very "ho hum" about religion except on big holidays. But the holidays are all about starving and seriously, the dreidel? With only four sides to it, it's only 2/3 as interesting as a die (or whatever is singular for "dice"). I'll have to put that on the "maybe" list.

5) Episcopalian. Now we're talking! I've never heard of a die-hard Episcopalian, or of anyone complaining about "Episcopalians moving into our neighborhood"--so unlike most religions, you're not starting out with a bunch of enemies. Then again, it seems a bit boring to not have that sort of friction with the community.

6) Russian Orthodox. This is sort of like Judaism, but without the foothold in Hollywood.

7) Zoroastrianism. I'll admit, the main appeal of this minority Persian religion is that no one knows anything about it. So you can just make it up as you go along.

8) Ancient Greco-Roman Gods. Fuck that total bullshit crap. Up yours, Zeus!

9) Southern Baptist. Sounds like a lot of shouting and drama going on what with the riverside baptisms, singing and dancing, and stuff like that. I really don't have that much energy on Sundays.

10) Snake Handers. Pass!

11) Wiccan. Remember that weird art teacher you had back in high school, who smelled of hemp and wore sandals in the winter? I don't know if I want to be in a room full of that guy.

In the comments below, vote on your pick for my new religion!


The 1970s brought us many new things to the popular culture--bad suits, overstyled hair (for men!), and repetitive music--but one of the lasting legacies is the "disaster film". These were films that featured large casts of well known actors, cheesy-but-probably-state-of-the-art-for-its-time special effects, and some impending disaster that would befall the protagonists resulting in death and destruction and heroism. Good examples of this are "Towering Inferno" (with Paul Newman, Richard Chamberlain, millions more--involving a fire in a high-rise building), "Earthquake" (with Charlton Heston, Victoria Principal, millions more--involving you guessed it, an earthquake), and "The Swarm" (with Michael Caine, Katherine Ross, millions more--involving a swarm of killer bees). Taken together, disaster films tought kids growing up in the '70s the following:

1) There are zillions of things out there that are going to kill you. Might as well get high. On the drugs!

2) Blood looks like bright red paint.

3) Evil corporations or the military are behind most disasters--curse those rich/militaristic bastards!

4) Some damn little kid or his damn dog are going to make things worse.

5) But fortunately there's a handsome hero who works as a professor or architect or some other noble profession (but definitely not a soldier, lawyer, businessman, etc.) who will save the day and fall in love with the one pretty woman who happens to be single.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Bridezilla Femzilla!

Cruising the interwebs, I found this article about a woman who wanted to have a "feminist wedding." To sum up, the author (a self described feminist) wanted to get married, but found a lot of the trappings of traditional weddings (the proposal, asking the father of the bride for permission, white dress) to be sexist, patriarchal, etc. First note--hey, not everything has to be a political statement! Sometimes a bride wants to have her father walk her down the aisle because it would make the old guy happy, or because it's a touching father-daughter moment. And news flash--it's usually not the groom who wants all the "traditional" stuff at a wedding--these things are almost always planned in detail by the bride and her mother.

Which brings me to my second note--imagine for a minute a wedding left entirely up to the groom to be. Kegs, rock bands, whiskey fountains, jugglers, open pit barbecues, and maybe even a visit from that guy on Route 40 who has all the exotic reptiles? Who WOULDN'T want to go to such an awesome party?

Bad Tips for Criminals

Having watched a number of movies and TV shows about cops and criminals in the 1970s, it has become clear to me that Hollywood has been in league with the government in an attempt to spread misinformation to trick criminals. This is because of a number of TV/Film cliches that were propogated around this time:

1) The theory that if someone asks an undercover policeman if they're a cop, the policeman has to say so. What sort of idiot could believe this? Obviously no undercover operation would work if it could be foiled by someone simply saying "wait, nobody here is secretly a cop, are they?"

2) The theory that if in hot pursuit by the local law, they have to stop chasing you if you cross county lines. This would be terrific news for criminals robbing banks that are located close to county or state borders! Just step over the line and you're home free!

3) If you don't read a suspect his rights, he's off scott-free. While the Miranda warnings are required for custodial interrogations, it is only certain evidence--namely, the admissions given during the interrogation--that could be excluded from trial. All other evidence is still good.

4) Putting a silencer on the end of a revolver will do any good. The noise from a revolver comes out of the side of the gun, not the end of the barrel.

5) Every criminal gets a free phone call. You may have to bring your own quarter for the phone!

Friday, August 21, 2009

WW2 Recap

With the arrival today of Inglorious Basterds which I suspect will be terrible but I'll probably see anyway, it's time for a quick recap of the Second World War.

1) France decided to be a dick after the First War, because why not? France was on the winning side, Germany had lost, and nothing could ever change that, right? So they humiliated the Germans until they went all Nazi.

2) Hitler was all "hey, Poland is like RIGHT HERE, let's take them out!"

3) The Russians were like "hey, take Poland if you like! Just give us some of it and we're cool."

4) Britain and France were all "oh no, not this crap again! Wasn't Germany not supposed to have an army after last time?" War ensued, but nothing happened for a bit.

5) Then Germany invades France, and the French fall like a deck of cards, even though they had plenty of time to prepare, and a bigger army with more tanks. They may as well have had a cheerleading squad defending the borders for all the good that did.

6) Italy decides to enter the war, because the one thing the war lacked was good comic relief. They proceed to have the greatest modern military disasters, each one more tragically comic than the last. They would eventually take a bow by executing their own leader, Mussolini.

7) Germany decides instead of trying to invade England, that it would be a good idea to invade Russia instead. This is because Germany did not have access to the Weather Channel back then. This would be a mistake.

8) While Germany is getting beaten down in Russia, Japan decides to attack the United States, largely because they considered it racist that World War Two only involved white people killing white people. Before long, plenty of non-whites would have their chance to get killed.

9) Germany decides to declare war on the U.S., because why not?

10) Stalin and the Russians start complaining that they have to do all the fighting against Germany, even though they were the ones who thought it would be a good idea to carve up Poland with the Nazis and now it's not cool that the Nazis of all people would turn on them. Because if you can't trust the Nazis then who could you trust?

11) The British and Americans invade and liberate France, though according to the French today this was totally unnecessary since all the French were members of the French Resistance and surely would have driven the Germans out themselves.

12) Germany falls, Hitler dies, and everyone discovers that the Jews had been mostly slaughtered along with a lot of Gypsies, Slavs, etc. This will ultimately lead to the Jews creating their own homeland in the only part of the Middle East that has no oil, figuring that finally they would be in a place where people could leave them alone.

13) Japan is all "oh, crap" when they realize it's down to them and the United States.

14) The U.S. drops the atom bomb on Hiroshima, figuring this would be a way to convince the Japanese to surrender for the first time in their history. For some reason they drop another bomb on Nagasaki a few days later.

15) The Japanese surrender, and all evil is vanquished in the world. It all started because a totalitarian dictator had invaded Poland, and an imperial power had dominated East Asia. When the war was over, another totalitarian dictator occupied all of Eastern Europe, and another imperial power dominated East Asia. Mission accomplished!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

That Basterd Put Musterd on my Custerd

Quentin Tarantino's new movie "Inglorious Basterds" is coming out tomorrow (he won't say why he misspells "Bastards" but movie insiders suspect the director is actually a reterd). While I've enjoyed a lot of Tarantino's work in the past (Reservoir Dogs is still one of my favorite films) I just haven't been able to get much into his recent work--"Deathproof" had some decent moments, but the characters were just not interesting enough to care about, and "Kill Bill" seemed rather pointless and lacking in any real twist or suspense. He's still a hell of a talent though.

The other thing is, I think I'm finally all "Nazi-ed Out". I must have seen about four hundred films involving Nazis as the villains--let's face it, unless you're watching something produced by Joseph Goebbels or Mel Gibson, the Nazis will be featured as villains--and feel there's just not much left to say about them. In a way, they were the perfect villains--arrogant, evil, but really efficient and powerful. They had black uniforms, and a symbol that could induce hypnosis (don't stare at a swastika for too long!). But there's just no nuance there--the only way a Nazi could be a good guy would be if he turned against the Nazis, like Schindler from Schindler's List, or if the protagonist isn't actually a Nazi but a bedraggled German soldier dragged into the war such as the submariners in Das Boot, or if the Nazi is actually a Jew in disguise such as in Europa, Europa.

I guess I'd like to start seeing some war movies with new villains. Like the Greeks. Damn Greeks! Always messing with Turkey and shit.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm Just So Full of Leadership

Many people (i.e., that guy in the elevator that one time) have asked me what qualifies me to be mayor of D.C. It all really comes down to one thing--leadership. I know everything there is to know about being a leader. This comes from years of reading books (some of them without ANY pictures in them) and studying the leadership qualities of various characters in those books. In fact, I've thought of writing my own book on leadership, in which I would impart the following lessons:

1) Establish dominance with others. Going to a big important meeting? You'll need to subtly show who's boss. You are! A good way to do this is to have a big scar on your neck, and casually explain it by saying you beat up a ninja on the way over. If they've already heard that excuse, you can easily exchange ninjas for Zulu warriors.

2) Delegate. Got a tough task, or difficult decision to make? Simply say "I would be interested in hearing what Bob/Alice/Fido thinks about this matter." Then it seems like you're being magnanimous towards your underlings!

3) Don't refer to your underlings as "underlings". At least not to their face.

4) Crisis? Hide under a pile of laundry until the crisis passes. FDR spent the bulk of World War Two under a pile of coats, and his butler made many crucial decisions during that period.

5) Always have a glass of whisky and a cigar handy. Leaders are always indulging in personal vices, to compensate for all their leadership. LBJ kept an eight-ball of cocaine handy, which he often would snort off the bare backside of a Pan Am stewardess.

6) Remember, all "crises" are really just "opportunities". JFK found himself nearly nuking the shit out of half the world during the Cuban Missile Opportunity.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Should Totally Be Mayor

Whenever I look at the way things are in D.C., I think to myself "wow, I could really do a much better job as mayor". At that point my friends usually try and change the subject, because they know that if I really put my mind to it I could overcome the fact that I'm actually a Virginia resident and then I'd actually get elected and not have as much time to hang out with them. Don't worry, friends! I'll get you cushy city jobs so we can still hang out.

Here's how I'd get elected:

1) Promise to build a city zoo. When someone points out that we already have one, I'd say "mission accomplished" and set up an elaborate ribbon cutting ceremony.

2) Use a different colored light for each car on the metro trains--that way, when the trains go by it'll be sort of like a disco. All the dancing on the train platforms might become a problem safety-wise, but I'm sure it would work itself out.

3) Solve the city's crime problem by starting a rumor that cars are much easier to rip off in Philadelphia. The car thieves would flock up there in droves, bringing the murderers and muggers with them. Sorry Philly! You should have thought of this plan first.

4) Budget issues? So easy I'm surprised no one thought of it. The city could counterfeit currency (shouldn't be too hard, since we should have some laid-off Treasury workers around) and pay for services with the fake money. If the Feds investigate us we'll say that the charges are so ludicrous we won't dignify them by responding. Hopefully that'll shame them into not asking any more questions.

5) Set up a toll booth outside the White House. Not only will the president have to pay our toll every time he comes and goes, same goes for his Secret Service detail! Cha ching! Note--this won't work if he uses the helicopter.

6) Replace our city's main circles with big swimming pools. In the summer heat, a pool can't be beat--and no one knows who half these old Civil War generals are anyway. Sorry, Scott, Dupont and Thomas! Better luck next time!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Save Us, Psycho Jesus

If you're anything like me, you can't stand romantic comedies ("rom-coms", in the language of slick movie-industry players like myself). Romcoms are usually formulaic, insipid, and of late feature known human shit-stain Katherine Hegel (yes, by misspelling her name, she now can't sue me for libel! Besides, she'd have to prove that she's not in fact a shit-stain). Rom-coms tend to follow the same basic script:

1) Good looking girl can't seem to find love, because she's obsessed with her [career, neuroses, incredibly kooky standards, yarn collection, or devotion to Hitler];
2) Good looking guy comes into her life, and they get off on a bad start because [he's a hustler, he sat on her cat, he drives a Vespa, he has way too much lime in his basement for a man who claims not to be a serial killer];
3) The guy or girl has a sassy black friend who provides comic relief in a way all too reminiscent of a 1930s minstrel show;
4) The guy or girl has a sassy older relative who helps things along by telling him/her to "get some of the sexual healing" from the other;
5) Some Saturday Night Live castoff makes a cameo appearance as a snooty doorman/cleaning lady, because they really need the money;
6) The unlikely pair gets together by the end, to the sheer disappointment of the audience.

I thought maybe while my next feature film (and this century's Citizen Kane), tentatively titled "Psycho Jesus and the Pirate Vixens", is on indefinite hiatus, perhaps I could work on a screenplay for a can't-miss rom-com of my own. Think about it--guys want to take girls to movies, and they want to pick something safe, so they go with a rom-com. (After all, there's usually no real violence or ninjas in a rom-com) So this could be just the funding source to get Psycho Jesus out of production purgatory!

My rom-com will be called "The President Gets Laid" and it will be about the President of the United States who is a world class player who goes around boffing interns and news reporters, thinking he's having the time of his life, even though his sassy black chief of staff tells him he needs to settle down with a nice girl so the voters won't get pissed. The president thinks "screw that noise!" until of course he meets the seductively hot new Prime Minister of Pakistan at a national security conference. Consider the hijinks that would ensue, at high level security briefings where he's passing along notes, and at U.N. conferences where he makes speeches not so much to advance foreign policy but to try and impress Pakistan's Prime Minister. It could all come to a head when the Prime Minister is taken hostage by militants, and rather than use Delta Force or the Green Berets to try and free her, the President himself approaches the terrorists and makes a heartfelt plea that can't help but cause them to go "aw, shucks!" and break down crying.

If you think this is the worst idea yet for a romantic comedy, then you haven't seen "Failure to Launch".

Friday, August 14, 2009

Fanged Beasts

At work, I tried to casually bring up the idea of a Vampire Contingency Plan (or a VCP, for those of you who already have a VCP in place at your own workplace) and discovered to my horror that we don't have any such plan whatsoever. No crucifixes (or is that "crucifii"?), very little garlic, and holy water? Nope. At best I could tear apart my desk to try and make stakes, but I'm more likely to just get some nasty splinters, all the while the vampires take over our entire office. And if they get to the break room, then I can say goodbye to my afternoon root beer breaks.

Everyone knows that vampires are a lot more deadly than any other type of monster, mostly because they fit in so well with the hipster and goth culture which makes them hard to spot and stab. This also explains why hipsters and goths get stabbed a lot--vampire hunters, obviously! Zombies, on the other hand, are slow moving so a brisk walk is enough to counteract them. Werewolves? Please! We only have to worry about them once a month, and even then we can put them to rest with some Purina Puppy Chow.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Review of "Teeth"--SPOILERS!

Last night I saw the movie "Teeth" which is the story of a high school girl who is part of the "abstinence only" crowd (wearing purity rings, doing lots of knitting, being frustrated) who happens to have deadly rows of teeth in her vagina, with horribly hilarious results for the many guys who try to have sex with her. I was hesitant to watch this at first, as rape (or attempted rape) scenes disturb me, and genital mutilation only adds to the level of disturbingness, but this movie was also a bit of a comedy. Notably, the part where the gynecologist has his fingers bitten off and screams "vagina dentata! It's trueeee!!!!!" had me laugh out loud. And a male would-be rapist who has himself de-penisified (yeah it's a word) looks down at the damage with such a goofy mask of horror that it was hard to take it too seriously.

As for the movie's "message", it's hard to figure out what it is. The first "victim" of the teeth is a would-be rapist, so maybe the moral is to not try and rape a girl because she might have teeth in her vagina. Okay, didn't need that lesson--wasn't planning on going raping!--but good to know. Then the teeth de-fingerfy a gynocologist, though far as I could tell his only crime was being too rough in his examination of the girl's lady parts. So he was a bit of an innocent victim. The third case was a guy who callously took a phone call during sex, insulting the girl with the teeth--fair enough! No phone calls! Also hilarious was where this victim was having his penis re-attached at the ER, and the surgeons remark that there's a lot of this (de-penisifying) going around, and one of them says "almost doesnt' seem worth re-attaching this one" and the other surgeons laugh. Oh, the hospital hijinks! After this point, the girl with the teeth is now using them as weapons, seducing and mutilating guys left and right.

So lessons learned here? No raping, be gentle if doing a gynocological exam, no phone calls during sex, if a girl seduces you check her vagina for teeth first, and if you're giving a female hitchhiker a ride just ask her for gas money rather than sex.

And stay away from chicks with purity rings!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hollering Back

In my travels over the web I've discovered this site, which appears to be intended as a way for women to share their experiences of being sexually harrassed by strangers in public. The idea is to encourage the harrassees to "holler back" (hence the ghetto patois term, "hollaback") at the harrassers to embarrass them and discourage further harrassings.

The incidents recounted fall into the following categories:

1) Blatant egregious "that guy should be arrested" incidents. Examples--a guy grabs a woman on the subway, the serial subway kicker (not sure what weird thrill a guy gets out of kicking a stranger, but there you are), a guy on the Metro masturbating.

2) Inappropriate, potentially threatening behavior. Examples--a guy follows a woman down the street, making catcalls when she won't respond, a guy in a van (vans are the sine qua non for creeps! Especially minivans) wagging his tongue at a passerby, a man asking for sex on the subway after the woman already told him she doesn't want to give him the sex.

3) Cases where a guy uses a cheesy pickup line. Examples--"hey pretty momma, I just want to get next to you!", "you are dreamy!"

4) Cases where it seems like the woman complaining is sort of actually bragging about being hit on. Examples--"I was subjected to come-on lines from eight guys in one day, and I was only wearing sweat pants!", "Why do so many men have to hit on me, I totally don't like it! I must have walked down that block like six times, wearing only a potato sack, and still they ask me for a date".

Now, case 4 we can dismiss out of hand, clearly such postings are ego strokings for the writer. Case 3 isn't criminal, it's just a matter of a guy with absolutely no social skills trying whatever he thinks works. In such cases, the harrassee should probably feel sorry for the harrasser and suggest he come up with better pickups next time.

For case 2, it hits a gray area--yelling at, humiliating or mocking the harrasser will probably work most of the time, since it's likely that this is just some bully who gets off on fear and isn't used to someone making a scene at him. But then, what if he's a nutjob and it escalates? This is where it makes a difference whether a lot of witnesses are around. If not, it's probably best to keep your distance.

As for case 1? This is why they invented tasers.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Safety Razor, My Ass!

It all started when I packed a few things in my overnight bag, including basic toiletries, one of which included my razor. It doesn't have one of those protective sheaths--and right now I'm sort of wishing it did, considering what happened when I carelessly reached my hand into the bag to see if my headache medicine was in there. You can imagine what happened next--not only did I run my middle finger across the edge of the razor, but the razor sliced right through the fingernail, causing me to howl like a werewolf stepping in a bear trap while on fire.

The sad part is I don't feel safe jamming my hand into bags anymore. It's like a moment of lost innocence.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Rules for Guys

1) Don't share your feelings. The only thing that should follow the words "I feel" should be "like a beer right about now."

2) Pee standing up. Though it's okay to pee while sitting if you're severely drunk and likely to fall into the urinal.

3) Don't make conversation at the urinal. Unless what you have to say is really, really hilarious.

4) Don't go vegetarian or (gods forbid!) vegan. Remember, those cattle, pigs and chickens would kill and eat you if they had the chance. Should we feel bad that we invented cattle guns?

5) With the exception of pizza, don't bake anything. If it can't be fried, grilled, or eaten directly out of a bag, then it isn't worth eating. Of course, if someone bakes it for you you can eat it, just pretend it came off a grill or out of a pan. We need our delusions.

6) Women are always getting hard on themselves and each other for their looks. Too bad they don't have more self esteem! But guys? We all think we're hot stuff, despite excess hair where we don't want it, lack of hair where we want it, and the extra beer-flab. It's because we can appreciate unconventional beauty.

7) We can appreciate unconventional beauty in ourselves--but ladies, don't try to convince us that strange looking she-beasts like Sarah Jessica Parker or Gwyneth Paltrow are hot. Saying it doesn't make it so.

8) While we appreciate our own unconventional hotness, we are completely unable to judge hotness in other men, so don't ask us to. Brad Pitt? Probably a decent actor, bagged Angelina Jolie, but we can't tell if he's better looking than Will Farrel.

9) Ladies, we will notice other women go by, especially if they're good looking or dressed scandalously. We can't help it, it's an evolutionary reflex. Any guy who pretends he doesn't is a liar. Stop dating liars. (However, we will try to not make it obvious--in return, don't make an issue out of it!)

10) Likewise, got cleavage? Showing some leg? Yes we will look, quickly--if you don't notice us doing it it's only because we've mastered the ninja-art of subtle deception. But if you don't like the idea of us noticing cleavage/leg, then you'll have to wear something less revealing. Like a potato sack. Sorry.

11) Women can look good in a pair of pants, but there's not a straight man alive who doesn't think a good looking woman looks better in a skirt. Just like there's not a straight woman alive who doesn't think a guy looks better without a harpoon stuck in his forehead.

12) No movie is ever improved with a tacked-on love scene, just like no rock album is ever improved with a sappy power-ballad. But every movie is improved with a tacked-on explosion.

13) Much as the American flag means to us, it could still be improved by adding a skull and crossbones, and maybe a flaming dagger.

14) If you ever meet a girl who is okay with playing "Ain't Gonna Bump No More With No Big Fat Woman" by Joe Tex at your wedding, then PROPOSE MARRIAGE IMMEDIATELY.

15) Bacon makes everything better. Don't agree? Then explain why you hate America, Hitler.

16) If you don't have chest hair, it doesn't mean you're not a man. It just means you're a lesser, more shameful man.

17) Guys Night Out (TM) is a regular, necessary event. It has its own rules, the only one I can share being that the First Rule of Guys Night Out is to not speak of Guys Night Out. Except here. And that the ladies should keep some cash handy for bail.

18) Ladies, if you present a man with one of your problems, then expect him to come up with what he thinks is a simple and obvious solution. Whatever you do, don't tell him why his solution is stupid and won't work, even if that's the case. You'd rather have someone not try and solve the problem, and just provide sympathy? Then tell your problems to a woman.

19) Beer is amazingly awesome and the ancients who stumbled upon inventing it deserve our constant gratitude. Proof of this is that the Trappist monks who were denied the pleasures of women have instead taken to brewing--and invented some of the best beer known to mankind. These monks knew they had to get pleasure one way or another.

Cesspools on the Hudson

I'm not a big fan of "identity politics"--the whole "hey we need to vote for this person because they have the same skin color as us" or "hey, it's time we had a Catholic on the Supreme Court" or "I have to vote for her, she's a woman" theme always seemed rather disturbingly tribal. After all, if someone's good at their job, shouldn't they be able to represent all their constituents? Besides, these are politicians we're talking about--they're going to suck no matter what they look like.

That said, I think it's a little odd that both of Wyoming's senators have Italian-sounding names (Mike Enzi and John Barrasso) while neither New York nor New Jersey has a single Italian American senator. Fuck you, New York and New Jersey! I'll come for your pizza, because I can't help myself, but fuck you otherwise!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

We're All A Little Bit Fascist, And A Little Bit Rock N' Roll

There's the old saying that a conservative is a liberal who's been mugged, and a liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. Surely, there's a little bit of every political type in all of us, depending on the situation at hand:

Socialist. Everyone turns just a bit more socialist when we deal with an insurance company, for any matter at all, or we're super thirsty on a hot day and forgot to carry our wallet. If only these restaurants were forced to offer some water for passers-by! Also, when we see the latest abomination from Paris Hilton or those rich jerkwads from "The Hills" in the news, the idea of seizing their fortunes seems better and better.

Libertarian. We all feel pretty libertarian every time we pay taxes (this is why they make April 15th as far from Election Day as possible), or deal with some slow-wit at City Hall, or get pulled over by a cop for not "driving right". Also, ever trying to buy a beer in the store on a Sunday in some states? Why can't those Puritan weirdos go form a commune and let the rest of us live in drunken bliss?

Fascist. If at any time you say to yourself "you know what would solve this problem, smashing someone over the head with a hammer would solve this problem", then you've had a touch of the ole Fascist spirit. We all feel a bit like this when we're on line at the DMV, or stuck in a traffic jam. True fact--Francisco Franco gave most of his speeches in Spanish traffic jams.

Monarchist. I'll admit, the only time any of us are monarchists is when we realize that we're a direct descendant of the House of Windsor and next in line for the British Throne. Which is pretty much almost never (unless Prince Charles is reading this).

Anarchist. The times we all feel a bit anarchist is when we're wearing a coat and tie in our climate controlled offices, wondering what ever happened to our dreams of cutting through dense forests and hunting grizzlies, and how we might be better off if society just went ahead and collapsed so we could run around shirtless all day with a crude spear and colored rocks.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Things You Think of At 3 AM

1) Whether that kid you beaned with a kickball in second grade is doing all right now.

2) That chocolate on pasta would be a brilliant money-making scheme and the only reason it doesn't exist yet is that no one's thought of it before you.

3) That you've fallen way behind in biology class, and will have to cram hard, until you realize you were just dreaming and it's been fifteen years since you took a biology class.

4) That oh my god you just dreamt up the perfect way to solve that big problem at work and now just find a pen before you forget it oh crap it's gone.

5) That apparently it's easier to fall asleep upright at your desk under flourescent lights at 3PM than it is in your bed in the dark at 3 AM.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Citizen Kane Mutiny

Last night finally saw Citizen Kane from beginning to end. In a nutshell--story of a guy who makes a shitload of money, mostly by running an unscrupulously sensationalist newspaper (think Rupert Murdoch, without the neat accent), and ultimately loses all his friends and dies lonely and rich. Since much of this took place during tough economic times, I have a pretty simple solution for Mr. Kane--hire some dude to be your friend!

Now, everyone's going to say the same thing--"you can't buy real friendship, blah blah hippie bullshit blah". Untrue, I say! With enough money you can buy some very convincing friendship.

Let's say I was a dirt farmer raising three adorable but expensive moppets, and a wife who looks rather unsatisfied with being married to a guy who spends all day trying to grow dirt. (Seriously, being a dirt farmer is a bad idea even during the best of times). Some rich guy comes by and says "guess what, I'll pay you quite well to hang out on my yacht and drink beer and tell me jokes and pretend we've known each other for years". Believe me, I'd be pretty convincing in the role! Who wouldn't be?

Side Note: Apparently when the movie "Citizen Kane" came out it pissed off William Randolph Hearst (the man the character was based on) and the film was later shown to his granddaughter, Patty Hearst when she was held captive by the Symbionese Liberation Army. No word on whether this ever helped liberate the Symbionesians, but it did embarrass the hell out of the Hearst family. Take that, wealthy plutocrats!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Pie a la Commode

A friend of mine--let's not use his real name, so we'll call him "Spark Mavins"--was visiting DC from Maine this past weekend and suffered some sort of stomach virus which required repeated trips to the many bathrooms that our nation's capital has to offer. Unfortunately, in his haste he had to use port-o-johns and public bathrooms featured at the monuments on the Mall, which are strictly last resort options as far as I'm concerned--it's about on a par with digging a hole in the grass on the side of the road, using it, then covering it up with leaves all while being questioned by passers-by. Needless to say, Spark was a desperate man!

One of my frequent gripes is in many cities and towns most places have a "customers only" policy, requiring you to get some kind of key to use their bathroom or otherwise hoping to shame you into not just walking in off the street and making a bee-line to the facilities. Fortunately, I was raised with no shame, and when this guy has to go, he goes! And if they say "customers only" when holding that key-attached-to-a-broom-handle like it was granted by Charlemagne himself, I have no problem saying "I'll buy a coffee just as soon as I'm done, but you probably don't want me to decorate your floor here now do you?"

I understand the idea--if you own a restaurant you don't want your patrons to have to wait in line behind guys coming off the street, and you certainly don't want your facilities overloaded by too much use, or heaven forbid some street derelict who might fall asleep in there. But in an absolute emergency situation, tort law does have the doctrine of necessity (yeah I'm reaching here but so what) and if the user is willing to fork over a couple dollars to use the facility then why require the fiction that they purchase something? Of course it'd also be nice if the city had a number of well maintained public restrooms, but who are we kidding.

In the meantime, I suggest hotel lobbies--they never ask if you're a guest there, and these bathrooms are usually well-maintained. And this city has plenty of hotels.