Fossils Reveal New Horrors

Researchers in China have found the largest fossil spider yet--proof yet again that Hell on Earth certainly existed at one time! Of course, reading the details it sounds like the legs were about 2.5 inches long and a body about an inch wide. Pretty damn big, but probably no bigger than a tarantula. Show me a spider the size of a dog--or wait, actually don't do that. If I saw a spider big enough to wrestle Fido my brain might explode in sheer horror. Now, some hippies will try to explain that spiders are needed to defend us against hordes of insects, which is sort of like saying we needed Stalin to defend us from Hitler. Technically true, but it doesn't make Stalin any less of a monster. I say, spread out some bug zappers and wipe out the Hitlers and Stalins together! And don't bring up that crap about how Hitler is good for the ecosystem because he spreads pollen and stuff. We can train birds to do that.