Wedding Weekend

It may have meant 16 hours of total driving and very little sleep, but my sister's wedding was well worth the trip. Of course, Mother Nature did her best to ruin this plan, what with severe flooding in D.C. on Thursday evening with road closures all around. And Dollar Rent-a-Car? More like "we take but don't honor reservations" Rent-a-Car! We were going to rent a car small enough for my wife to drive part of the trip, but of course we get there only to find that the Ford Focus we'd reserved was not there, but they'd be happy to rent us a minivan. Why even take a reservation if you have absolutely no intention of honoring it?

So, we instead drive up in my car, meaning my day that began at 6 AM would involve adding a 5-hour car trip to Westchester, NY in the driving rain starting at 8:30 at night. Hooray for everything working out! Fortunately, our luck picked up north of Baltimore when the rain stopped, and there was basically no traffic the whole way up. We get in quietly, sleep a bit, then have bagels in the morning with the fambly and my mom's friend Roz from their Peace Corps days. Then, it's off to the Catskills for a 2.5 hour trip through winding mountains.

We arrive at the Roxbury Motel, which has a special theme for each room, ours being the "Versailles Room." Busts and gold leaf? You betcha! We took a moment to enjoy the in-your-face gaudiness before heading up to the farm that was rented out for the BBQ/rehearsal.

After rehearsing (which, like all rehearsals, is chaotic and getting all the bugs out of the system), eating, and speeches, we retire to our motel for Scotch before getting the first good night of sleep in days. A bit of hiking and seeing the fambly the next day, then dressing and photos. At this point, the guests were all arrived, and we take our places on a scenic hill overlooking the mountains and pastures. Is there a billy goat leashed to a tree behind the altar? You bet there is! Then, my dad leads my sister up the hill on a horse (!) where she dismounts to head down the aisle. The ceremony is brief (not quite as brief as my own, which clocked in at about three minutes thanks to our Count Chocula-looking officiant!), then we're on to a cocktail hour with fine snacks, top shelf booze, and soul music under a pavillion. This lasts about an hour before we walk further down the hill to the tent for the reception, plenty of boozing (top shelf, did I mention?), dancing and fine eating. It was an excellent party and very much reflective of my sister's personality.

The next morning, we're up at the crack of 8:45 to begin our long drive back--hoping of course that the route through Pennsylvania to DC would not be blocked by floods or 9/11 related stuff--and hoping to have plenty of time to get my brother to the airport in DC for his evening flight. The trek is long, but our luck is in--only a portion of I-88 is closed, and the gas station people were very helpful with directions to I-81 where we needed to go. We stop later at a Wendy's near Wilkes-Barre, and not five minutes after we get our food a bus-load of at least 100 old folks pours in and gets in line to order. (Had we been just a bit later, our lunch would have involved me going into angry rage!) Finally, we do make it back to DC with plenty of time for my brother's flight, and to sit back and collapse from exhaustion.

All in all, a great weekend, and happy to see my sister and her husband off to start their marriage together.

Happy Wedding to Lil' Guy

Tonight begins the trek of a long drive to NY for my little sister's wedding in the countryside. My sister--the "Lil' Guy" as she was always called--is marrying a guy who we fambly members have grown fond of over the years, and is a welcome addition to the fambly. This is a big milestone, considering I remember when the Lil' Guy was just a toddler bumping into things and making all sorts of noise around the household (and between me and my brother, there was plenty of racket and destruction to begin with before the lil' hurricane came through). My fambly even still calls me by a nickname bestowed on me as a result of her inability to pronounce words and she still scowls at being treated as the baby of the group, despite having just finished her PhD in Psychology and getting ready to get married in just a couple days.

But now, with her big day approaching, I can reflect back on those years of growing up with the Lil' Guy, spending quality time and bickering as well, and now thinking how I couldn't be happier to see her reach this milestone.

Here's to a lifetime of happy marriage!

A Few Questions Re: The GOP Primary Fight

The race for the GOP presidential nomination is in full swing, and though I think they're ultimately going to go with Mitt Romney there is always a chance for an upset. Still, I'm left with a few reactions:

1) At some point the media needs to stage an intervention for Rick Santorum, Herm Cain and Newt Gingrich, and tell these guys that Barry Goldwater's corpse has a better chance of becoming re-animated, then travelling back in time to 1964 and winning the presidency from LBJ, than any of them have of winning the GOP nomination in 2012. Of course, they know this, and they are just raising their visibility in order to sell books and maybe get a TV deal later. But shouldn't the fact that they're still soliciting campaign contributions from innocent dupes count as some sort of fraud?

2) The fact that there were loud cheers at last night's debate when it was mentioned that Texas executed over 200 people is an ominous sign for this country. (Disclosure--I oppose the death penalty but can at least understand those that favor it) Even if you favor the death penalty as an option for the more egregious crimes proven beyond any reasonable doubt and with due process, the execution itself should be seen as a somber necessity and not something to cheer the same way you'd cheer our country winning an Olympic medal. This is very, very sick.

3) What is with this outcry over Rick Perry favoring mandatory HPV vaccinations for 12 year old girls in Texas? What sort of Jenny McCarthy crap is this? I realize HPV isn't the death sentence that HIV can be, but stopping the spread of the virus is obviously a good thing. (And screw this privacy rights crap, this is Texas we're talking about. It's not like we're talking about registering handguns)

4) Ronald Reagan is probably the most underrated (by Democrats) and overrated (by Republicans) person to ever sit in the Oval Office. But the fetishization of this man by the GOP would probably disturb him if he were alive today. "Reagan Economic Zones"? That should be a nonstarter just for corniness reasons alone.

5) Debates would be a lot better if there were no rules or moderator at all. Just let them all have microphones, and start a ten-way shouting match! I would actually love to see that, rather than scripted questions and well tested answers. It's not as though any of those clowns are going to implement half the crap they say they will when they take office.

Lessons from Columbo

Lately I've been enjoying the original episodes of "Columbo", the series about a rumpled detective who pretended to be pretty dim but would always catch the murderer in the end. The show--an essential piece of early '70s American culture--always began by showing the murder taking place, so the viewer never doubted who committed it. The only question was how Columbo would catch him or her, and it usually took some rambling discussion about the detective's unseen wife and how odd it was that say a left handed man would have his wristwatch on his right hand, or a burned out lightbulb would be cleaned by household staff rather than replaced. The show avoided certain annoyances that many police shows would have (such as the detective's bosses doubting him--Columbo was highly regarded by the force) and was largely carried by Peter Falk's charm and some great has-been guest stars.

You can also learn a great deal about murder in early '70s Los Angeles from watching the show.

1) Murderers are always wealthy, educated people. If you're walking down a dark alley and a middle aged man in a 3-piece suit is following you, run! He's likely got several kills under his belt. Columbo never seems to get "junkie stabbed by hooker" cases, or "he done goofed and stole my lawn chair so I stabbed him!" cases.

2) Although the murderers are well-to-do and presumably highly educated, they have no problem letting a police lieutenant into their home and engage them in several long conversations about the case, even though the Miranda ruling came out a few years earlier. Apparently rich people didn't have lawyers back then.

3) If you know anyone who looks exactly like Robert Culp, run! He seems to change identity and go on a new killing spree every few weeks. (He also starred with the lovely Natalie Wood in "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice", and that actress died under mysterious circumstances about a decade later. Culp must have done it!)

4) It may never rain in Southern California, but a police lieutenant is still required to wear a raincoat at all times.

5) The actors Dean Stockwell and Sam Rockwell are quite clearly the same person. It's eerie!

6) When you're rich, you will always commit murders by yourself and never hire a professional killer or a cheap junkie to do the job. Unfortunately, this means coming up with an alibi that sounds great on the surface but will unravel under a detective's seemingly harmless questioning.

7) If you drink Scotch or any other hard liquor from a fancy glass at your well stocked bar at home, you're quite obviously a killer, or about to be killed. Develop a new habit!

Ronrico!

After visiting a genuine, bona fide crab eatery the weather on Sunday basically begged us to visit the roof of my friend's high rise (which in DC means more than 10 storeys) for some afternoon drinking. While I picked up a half-case of fine old timey Pennsylvania suds, the wife couldn't pass up a chance to make her own signature "berry flavored mojitos" with the help of some pilfered fresh mint--pilfered directly from the plant!--and needing some top notch rum. The rum we used was "Ronrico". It comes in a big plastic jug and features recipes on the label to discourage the direct and solitary use of Ronrico.

Let's just say that a formula of Hot Sun + Ronrico = EEK! This has given rise to the new use of the word "Ronrico" to describe poorly thought out ideas. Here are some examples:

1) Trying to use a coupon at that bordello was very Ronrico of you.

2) The Bay of Pigs was a perfect example of the CIA's Ronrico early years.

3) Are you trying to make a chocolate burrito? What are you, Ronrico?

DC Area Drivers Are A New Circle of Hell

It's a well known fact that driving in D.C. ranks somewhere on the pleasantness scale between having scorpion babies planted in your lower intestines and being used as a hockey puck. But the question is, why is it so bad? A number of theories abound:

1) Large numbers of drivers who are relatively new to the area. This includes transplants, tourons, students, and worst of all, diplomats who can't be charged with vehicular homicide because we don't want their home government in East Crapistan to punish our diplomats in that country for some trumped up charge. That means there's a good chance of someone driving too slow to look for exits, needing to do an abrupt lane change, or suffering under the delusion that all the cars on the road are fire-breathing dragons that must be destroyed.

2) Too much signage, little of which is helpful. If you put enough signs up all over the roads, the important messages get drowned out by ones that say "Newseum, 2 miles ahead" and "You are driving on a road". Plus, some of the rules are complex enough to require driving super-slow to read fully, such as "No left turn, except M-F 7AM-10:30 AM, Oct. thru Apr and Holidays" or "HOV 3, East Bound to Beltway, 3:30-8:30 Weekdays". This was done by the same sort of people who think that all those disclosures on credit card applications actually help anyone understand their deal.

3) Road systems designed by deranged hill people who are still trying to prevent enemy armies from crossing their territory. How else can you explain that in Arlington there's a North 22nd Street that cuts off and picks up again at several points across the county? Or the almost complete absence of straight roads? Or the fact that Rte 50 takes on about six different names between Fairfax and North Arlington (many of which honor leaders in a rebellion against the country)? It also doesn't help that for many roads (particularly I-395) the abundance of exits, turnoffs, and road splits can force even a long-time resident to become confused, frustrated, and ultimately flung off in the wrong direction.

I'll go with any combination of the three. Of course, this could be addressed with a more extensive public transportation system--people cause a lot less damage to life and limb when they're lost in our Metro system compared to when they're cruising around in their SUVs--but I'm not holding my breath.

Great Movie Twist Ideas

1) Ex Special Forces tough guy down on his luck rooms with poor family where he befriends the youngest son who is being bullied at school. The tough guy teaches the boy how to defend himself, with hilarious results as the kid gets pummelled harder. The tough guy then beats up the bully himself because this is what the audience always wanted to see. Oh, and he has sex with the young boy's mother.

2) A ragtag platoon gets stranded behind enemy lines after a battle, and they soon realize they all come from very different backgrounds and have clashing personalities. They fight with each other the whole time, even resulting in physical blows. Finally they give themselves up to the enemy in the hopes that they'll be sent to different POW camps. Hilariously, the enemy decides to force them to live together at the camp, and do projects together as a group. In the end they realize that this sucks, and when they finally get released in a POW exchange, they promise to never deal with each other again.

3) A smooth-talking lothario with the ladies sets his sights on an ambitious career woman who has no time for love. Soon, he realizes she's too difficult and probably not worth it, so he dates her assistant who is a lot more easy going. The career woman then gets jealous, fires the assistant, and the rest of the film is a courtroom drama between the assistant's lawyers and the company lawyers over the employment discrimination claims.

4) A serial killer stalks a group of busty coeds at a remote cabin in the woods. However, he's a serial killer, not a skilled outdoorsman, and quickly succumbs to frostbite and a bad case of poison oak, and one of the coeds finds him half dead near the cabin and takes him in. Turns out, she's a nurse, and one of the other coeds is a psychiatrist, and they both cure his frostbite and get him on the right medication. With the support of his new friends, the serial killer goes back to college to finish his degree and win a Rhodes Scholarship, in an ending that will be both heartwarming and life affirming.

5) A down on his luck gambler ends up owing $20K to a dangerous mobster, so he shoots the mobster and leaves town. The rest of the mob decides they have better things to do than worry over $20K, and they never liked the dead mobster anyway and were glad to not have to give him a cut of their profits on gambling, so they drop the issue. The gambler checks into rehab to fix his gambling problem, and meets a great looking therapist who has an insensitive husband. While he has an opportunity to carry on an affair with her, he opts not to, since he already dodged a close bullet with the mob and doesn't want to push his luck. He stays satisfied with his platonic friendship, knowing he's likely to meet a great woman who happens to be unattached someday.