Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Screeching Death Pain Local Whiskey

One thing I've never understood about my friends who own homes with basements and back yards is why they've never put in a whiskey still. You can bet that the minute I sign papers on a house I'm going to check out a book on how to properly build and maintain the device, and then it's just a matter of time before I'm a suburban sophisticate sipping bits of finery. Will I make this home business go legit and sell whiskey on the local market? You bet your hangover, good sir!

I've decided that this whiskey will be aged in an oak cask, traditional style, with bits of pine floating in there for flavor. The bottles will feature prominently the brand name--"Screeching Death Pain Local Whiskey"--and will come in three sizes: "dilletante", "gift size" and "ready for business".

See, when travellers of a certain type--by which I mean the elusive East Coast Beer Snob type--come rolling into a given town or neighborhood, they tend to look down the row of taps at a bar and pick out one they've never seen before. Why get a Miller Lite when there's a tap for "Angus Snuffle's Lager of Fury"? But the microbrew market suffers from a low price per gallon, and an oversaturated market. Whiskey, on the other hand, doesn't have this problem--and just imagine the demand for intricate local whiskeys when East Coast Whiskey Snobs come ambling into town. This could be the wave of the future.

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