New NFL Team Names

Despite the onset of cold weather and usual holiday stress, there is something to be happy about--the Redskins' losing ways! My disgust with the team has more to do with their awful owner, Dan Snyder, than anything personal against the players and coaches (of which there have been many since Snyder first meddled his way into ownership). Of course, there's also the taint of their racially insensitive name. I've suggested that they could even keep the name and avoid the controversy by simply changing their helmet design to put a redskin potato on the side instead of the Indian chief. I mean, how cool would that be--the only team in the league named after food (except for the Dolphins, but the only people eating dolphin are in Japan).

Other NFL teams could replace controversial names with ones that are very appropriate:

1) The New York Jets got their name because they used to play in Shea Stadium, which was near the Queens airports. Now that they play in a shared stadium in Jersey, they should really change their name to the "Tollbooths". Or, if they're playing really badly, the "Rest Stops".

2) The Buffalo Bills have an incredibly stupid name, because a "bill" is, in reality, an invoice you have to pay. Who the hell would name their team after an invoice? How about "Buffalo Buffaloes" or even better, the "Buffalo Wings"? They could then stay with the food theme.

3) The Houston Texans get an award for complete lack of imagination. Plus, what if they moved and became the Chicago Texans? Weak! Though it's better than their second choice name, the Houston Houstonians.

4) The Detroit Lions have a particularly offensive name. They should change it to the Michigan Lions.

5) The San Diego Chargers probably have a colorful story behind how they came up with their name. But no one really cares.

6) The Cincinnati Bengals are the only team in the NFL to be named after another nationality, particularly since the nation of Seahawkia was dissolved after the fall of communism. If the people of Bangladesh complain, I'd point out that they have much bigger fish to fry.

7) The Minnesota Vikings serve as a reminder that the people of Scandanavia were once mighty warriors, not the Volvo driving IKEA Lego meatball socialized medicine folk we know today. What happened, Scandanavia? Was it the rise of ABBA?

Tacky Taxes

The big hubbub in Washington right now is this new deal worked out by Barack Obama and the GOP--namely, keeping the current income tax rates for two more years (the Bush tax cuts for all income levels were set to expire January 1st) and cutting the payroll tax (that Ponzi scheme we call Social Security, instituted by Crook-in-Chief FDR) by 2%, plus extending unemployment insurance by 13 more months (currently it taps out at 99 weeks--meaning the unemployed would be eligible for about three years of unemployment). The whole thing is supposed to cost about $900 billion, even more than the last stimulus. A few thoughts:

1) Smart move from Obama's perspective. This is bipartisan, so if it works, and juices the economy, he gets credit. If it just increases the deficit and helps nothing, the GOP has partial ownership of it so they can't bludgeon him with it. Add to the fact that every American taxpayer, rather than seeing their taxes go up (which would happen if there was no deal at all), will actually see more in their paycheck due to the payroll tax cut. And--the chronically unemployed get another few months breathing room while waiting for jobs to materialize. This is better news for him than the GOP, which wanted to make the Bush tax cuts permanent, and instead are just getting a two year extension.

2) The House Democrats who are rejecting this bill are retards. The bill gives them absolutely everything else they wanted--unemployment extension, payroll tax cut, extension of cuts for middle class and poorer Americans--and they're fighting to scuttle this thing simply because rich people get to keep their tax cut too??? Try explaining that to the millions of Americans making under $250K--"sorry your taxes had to shoot up during this recession, but we'd rather everyone pay more than allow rich people to get a tax cut." Frankly, their as dogmatic on this issue as the GOP is with keeping those cuts. Obama would be wise to ignore the hell out of those morons from here on out if he wants to be a lock for 2012. Bill Clinton learned that same lesson.

3) That said, this whole thing is a mess for the deficit, and proves that neither Obama nor the GOP are serious about that issue. Spending and entitlements need to be cut, well before we reduce our revenues further. Granted, it's hard to make that argument when unemployment creeps back up towards 10%, but this hole we're in is only getting worse and itself will wreck the economy further when interest rates start getting affected. I'd have some respect for House Democrats if they were arguing against ALL of these goodies, rather than basing everything on a hatred for wealth.

4) Maybe if the hole gets deep enough, that'll make politicians get serious? Already some plans are being floated to cut the deficit by cutting entitlements and simplifying the tax code, and maybe we need a bigger crisis to make that happen. But the reason I'm skeptical is that deficits don't vote--no politician was rewarded at the ballot box for cutting the deficit, and no politician was punished at the ballot box simply for increasing it. And as I've noted before, our country is run by idiots.

Over The Top!

Sylvester Stallone has hardly shied away from starring in truly crappy films. So maybe it's inevitable that during his '80s heyday, he would star in that one movie that answered the question nobody asked--namely, "why hasn't there been a film about a truck driver who competes in arm wrestling competitions?"

Well, to arm wrestlers everywhere, this film was a glowing tribute. But it was also about so much more! Stallone's character--named Lincoln Hawk, because of course--has to bond with his son after his estranged wife succumbs to cancer. (Tragically, the hospital makes a mistake and has her removed from the cancer, rather than the other way around. This is why we need health reform, people!) He picks up the young boy at military school so they can drive from Colorado to Los Angeles to visit the mother before she expires. Despite the kid's reasonable question of why the two of them had to drive halfway across the country when there were airplanes available in 1986, Stallone decides they needed the bonding time. Of course, this results in them showing up too late and finding out the mother was dead when they got to the hospital. But hey, father and son couldn't wait to do their bonding after visiting her! They have to live in the moment.

There is also essentially no chemistry between father and son--in fact, one scene feeatures a "montage" of them chatting silently while the theme music plays! I mean, I've seen training scenes, travelling scenes, even romantic romp scenes being reduced to a montage before, but I've never seen CONVERSATIONS reduced to montage. This, my friends, is the sign of a director who says "screw it, my audience are douches, time to give them the cinematic equivalent of a swirly".

Of course, arm wrestling, truck driving and father-son bonding--involving even a scene where Stallone/Hawk decides to risk lives and his trucker license by letting his ten year old son drive the truck for a bit--are not all this film has to offer. No, that would be letting you off easy! The film needed Robert Loggia at his hammiest, as the kid's rich, evil grandfather who will stop at nothing to keep the kid away from Stallone/Hawk.

Ok, let's see--a rich man raises his daughter with all the finest things, only for her to marry a truck driving arm wrestler with the fine diction and charm of a Stallone character. This prize of a son-in-law abandons your daughter and their son, and when the time comes to visit her when she's dying of cancer, they decide to make a road trip instead of taking a same-day flight. Gee, I wonder why Loggia/rich-guy didn't bond with him right away? Of course, it does get stupider--Stallone drives his truck over Loggia's front gate and smashes up the estate before getting arrested, because Loggia had been keeping the kid there--yep, no chance people including the boy would get seriously injured with that stunt.

Do I even need to explain how this ends? Certainly the father and son grow close, Loggia and his goons get foiled, Stallone wins an arm wrestling championship, and the audience of this farce lose two hours of their lives. In a way, they got StallOWNED.

Hamburger Hill Review

Last night's film was the Vietnam War classic, "Hamburger Hill". This was the true story of the 101st Airborne's assault on an NVA held position in 1969, and the action scenes were pretty solid--plenty of carnage, shooting at targets that were nearly impossible to see, for reasons that weren't clearly defined. In that sense, it was pretty enjoyable.

Less enjoyable were the cliches--the not-so-subtle references to lousy war protesters back home, the racial divide among the black and white soldiers, the whole "I may be a tough bastard leader but I'm going to save your lives you greenhorns!", and of course the wise-ass Italian guy who is really into cars. The one cliche they didn't go for was a bit of a surprise--the guy who "had the girl back home he was going to marry" wasn't torn up in a hail of gunfire. (If I were ever in the military, and we were on patrol, and the guy next to me talks about his girl back home, I'm getting as far from him as possible because he's going to be turned into Swiss cheese pronto!).

Another thing that sort of bugged me was the hairstyles of the soldiers that reminded you that this film was made in 1987. Really, people, you're actors! Would it kill you to get the haircuts authentic? I mean, you're not wearing digital watches or looking at pin-up shots of Carmen Elektra, so why not go the whole hog and have your hair cut military style?

One final historical note--in the battle that "Hamburger Hill" was based on, the U.S. military abandoned the hill shortly after taking it from the NVA. The movie didn't mention this, perhaps because the message was more one of appreciating the soldiers that fought rather than criticizing the brass who put them through what they went through. I don't think that omission was necessary--it seems generally accepted that the guys who fought in Vietnam deserved admiration even while the war aims were muddy and controversial. (Except if you ask Jane Fonda and the Chicago Seven, but they suck anyway and no one cares what they have to say).

Laws That Should Be On the Books

1) Any customer service number has to go to a human being directly. Yes, they can put you on hold until one is available, but any business that has that "automatic options" crap with the "enter your number" crap, immediately gets shut down by the police and its Board of Directors gets beaten in the streets to make an example.

2) It is still illegal to key someone's car, unless they are taking up two parking spaces or double parked. Then it's fair game.

3) Everything charged in every store or restaurant has to come to an even dollar amount when sales tax is included. We have the technology. We can make small change a thing of the past.

4) There needs to be a fourth color for traffic signals. There should be go, stop, slow down, and seriously, slow down because it's about to go red like right now.

5) Shaving cream should really come out in different colors. Maybe this shouldn't be a law, but it'd be pretty cool. Especially since the color could be different for when you're really close to the bottom and need a new can.

6) The qualifications to be president should remain the same--35 years old, natural born citizen, lived in the U.S. for 14 years--but they should add a corrollary that if you quit halfway in the middle of your one term as governor of Alaska, AND you use Twitter as your primary means of communication, you're disqualified.

7) Any city or state that won't let you carry a handgun has to at least let you carry a cool trident or broadsword.

Greatest American City, Final Round!

The final round of the Greatest American City tournament comes amid a great deal of controversy. San Francisco was unable to make it to the tournament, because the refs got lost in the fog and ended up in Oakland, and Oakland will never win anything. And don't bring up the 1980 Raiders, because that's crap. Oakland loses, sorry Oakland! Unfortunately they took down the Golden Gate City with them.

Denver didn't make the finals, because they're too far away from any other strong cities to bask in any glory. Plus, they're nowhere near a water source. How do you drink, Denver? While you think of that, let's also skip over St. Louis and Dallas for obvious reasons. And of course, Toronto was disqualified once it was discovered they're not an American city at all, despite their dirty trick of having a Major League Baseball team--in the American League, no less! (As for those of you commies who think "America" means more than just the U.S., get with the times, man! When's the last time you saw an Argentine with a "proud to be an American" t-shirt? Either they have no pride, or they gave up the name to the U.S.)

In the end, it came down to two cities--New York, and D.C. We always knew it would come to them.

New York, with its homegrown charm, starting from a small river outpost by the Atlantic, a first stop for immigrants, a center of finance and culture, a city so big that it encompasses five full-sized counties (while most cities fit inside one county). It is a city with a population larger than most states. It is a city that has had mayors of African, Jewish, and Italian descent. The best pizza in the world, as well as the second, third and fourth best pizza, all call New York their home. It is big enough to have two NFL franchises, two NBA franchises, two MLB franchises, and three NHL franchises all in its metropolitan area. New York is collossal.

DC, on the other hand, is the seat of the world's most powerful government, where history has been raging from its early burning by the British during the War of 1812, to Civil War battles in its backyard, to various political histories ever since. It was set up artificially, under a plan to use unwanted swamp in what was then the geographic center of the country. It's home to historic neighborhoods, new ethnicities and the country's most thriving black population. It cannot match New York in size, but it packs a good punch with numerous ethnic groups, charming and historic neighborhoods, and arguably more sightseeing opportunities than any other American city. And unlike NYC, you don't have to pay any tolls to enter, and the museums are free. Also unlike NYC, the buildings are never so tall you can't see the sun at noon, and you can afford to live there on a modest salary.

It is a hard call as to which city wins this one.

1) NYC's most infamous recent mayor has been Rudy "Crazy Train" Guiliani. DC's most infamous recent mayor was Marion "Bitch Set Me Up" Barry.

2) NYC's host to the country's best Italian cuisine. DC's host to the country's best Ethiopian cuisine.

3) NYC is home to the douchebag who works in finance, screaming into his bluetooth. DC is home to the douchebag lawyer/lobbyist/congresstaffer, screaming into his blackberry.

4) NYC has the East Village. DC has Adams Morgan.

5) NYC has the West Village. DC has Dupont.

6) NYC has Central Park. DC has the Mall.

So what'll it be? I'll accept voting in the comments!

Long Island Keeping it Classy

Every now and again emerges a civil liberties hero. And every now and again, there's this guy. A volunteer fire chief in Long Island was suspended for having put up fake testicles on his truck. Initially, the offending orbs were hung below the back of the truck, as though they were the trucks own male organs, and then when the mayor asked him to take them down, the chief decided to hang them inside the truck instead.

Now, I'm not bothered by parts of the human anatomy being represented on vehicles, though I can see why for a public official it would be considered unprofessional and unbecoming to hang such things from one's truck. But what really gets me is that at some point this public servant was told by his boss to remove the balls, and he said to himself "these balls are so important to my truck, I refuse to castrate my truck!" and risked his job over this.

I just think the proper response would have been to wrap them in a Speedo.