New NFL Team Names

Despite the onset of cold weather and usual holiday stress, there is something to be happy about--the Redskins' losing ways! My disgust with the team has more to do with their awful owner, Dan Snyder, than anything personal against the players and coaches (of which there have been many since Snyder first meddled his way into ownership). Of course, there's also the taint of their racially insensitive name. I've suggested that they could even keep the name and avoid the controversy by simply changing their helmet design to put a redskin potato on the side instead of the Indian chief. I mean, how cool would that be--the only team in the league named after food (except for the Dolphins, but the only people eating dolphin are in Japan).

Other NFL teams could replace controversial names with ones that are very appropriate:

1) The New York Jets got their name because they used to play in Shea Stadium, which was near the Queens airports. Now that they play in a shared stadium in Jersey, they should really change their name to the "Tollbooths". Or, if they're playing really badly, the "Rest Stops".

2) The Buffalo Bills have an incredibly stupid name, because a "bill" is, in reality, an invoice you have to pay. Who the hell would name their team after an invoice? How about "Buffalo Buffaloes" or even better, the "Buffalo Wings"? They could then stay with the food theme.

3) The Houston Texans get an award for complete lack of imagination. Plus, what if they moved and became the Chicago Texans? Weak! Though it's better than their second choice name, the Houston Houstonians.

4) The Detroit Lions have a particularly offensive name. They should change it to the Michigan Lions.

5) The San Diego Chargers probably have a colorful story behind how they came up with their name. But no one really cares.

6) The Cincinnati Bengals are the only team in the NFL to be named after another nationality, particularly since the nation of Seahawkia was dissolved after the fall of communism. If the people of Bangladesh complain, I'd point out that they have much bigger fish to fry.

7) The Minnesota Vikings serve as a reminder that the people of Scandanavia were once mighty warriors, not the Volvo driving IKEA Lego meatball socialized medicine folk we know today. What happened, Scandanavia? Was it the rise of ABBA?