Thursday, December 2, 2010

Greatest American City, Final Round!

The final round of the Greatest American City tournament comes amid a great deal of controversy. San Francisco was unable to make it to the tournament, because the refs got lost in the fog and ended up in Oakland, and Oakland will never win anything. And don't bring up the 1980 Raiders, because that's crap. Oakland loses, sorry Oakland! Unfortunately they took down the Golden Gate City with them.

Denver didn't make the finals, because they're too far away from any other strong cities to bask in any glory. Plus, they're nowhere near a water source. How do you drink, Denver? While you think of that, let's also skip over St. Louis and Dallas for obvious reasons. And of course, Toronto was disqualified once it was discovered they're not an American city at all, despite their dirty trick of having a Major League Baseball team--in the American League, no less! (As for those of you commies who think "America" means more than just the U.S., get with the times, man! When's the last time you saw an Argentine with a "proud to be an American" t-shirt? Either they have no pride, or they gave up the name to the U.S.)

In the end, it came down to two cities--New York, and D.C. We always knew it would come to them.

New York, with its homegrown charm, starting from a small river outpost by the Atlantic, a first stop for immigrants, a center of finance and culture, a city so big that it encompasses five full-sized counties (while most cities fit inside one county). It is a city with a population larger than most states. It is a city that has had mayors of African, Jewish, and Italian descent. The best pizza in the world, as well as the second, third and fourth best pizza, all call New York their home. It is big enough to have two NFL franchises, two NBA franchises, two MLB franchises, and three NHL franchises all in its metropolitan area. New York is collossal.

DC, on the other hand, is the seat of the world's most powerful government, where history has been raging from its early burning by the British during the War of 1812, to Civil War battles in its backyard, to various political histories ever since. It was set up artificially, under a plan to use unwanted swamp in what was then the geographic center of the country. It's home to historic neighborhoods, new ethnicities and the country's most thriving black population. It cannot match New York in size, but it packs a good punch with numerous ethnic groups, charming and historic neighborhoods, and arguably more sightseeing opportunities than any other American city. And unlike NYC, you don't have to pay any tolls to enter, and the museums are free. Also unlike NYC, the buildings are never so tall you can't see the sun at noon, and you can afford to live there on a modest salary.

It is a hard call as to which city wins this one.

1) NYC's most infamous recent mayor has been Rudy "Crazy Train" Guiliani. DC's most infamous recent mayor was Marion "Bitch Set Me Up" Barry.

2) NYC's host to the country's best Italian cuisine. DC's host to the country's best Ethiopian cuisine.

3) NYC is home to the douchebag who works in finance, screaming into his bluetooth. DC is home to the douchebag lawyer/lobbyist/congresstaffer, screaming into his blackberry.

4) NYC has the East Village. DC has Adams Morgan.

5) NYC has the West Village. DC has Dupont.

6) NYC has Central Park. DC has the Mall.

So what'll it be? I'll accept voting in the comments!

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