Dating Without Drinking

Everyone knows that one of the two biggest reasons to drink alchohol is to meet people of the opposite sex. (The other reason is to dull the pain of finding out your kid is choosing to major in Art History at that college for which you're paying $25K a semester) Based on that, this article struck a chord--the author decided to give up drinking due to the excessive hangovers and found that it creates a lot more awkwardness while dating than he'd imagined. Clearly, two drunken adults pawing each other is one thing, but a sober guy picking up bar sluts has a certain predatory sound to it.

Of course, there's also the whole "nurse one drink over the night" strategy, but that's a good way to not enjoy your beer/wine/Wild Turkey. After all, nothing good should ever be chugged but nothing good should ever be left to go stale in your glass either.

Where should a single dude go if he wants to meet women sober? There are some basic rules:

1) The zoo. Anyone asking you where your drink is when you're at the zoo is definitely not your friend! In fact, such a person may have deep problems and be in serious need of help.

2) The bus. You know what women love? When a guy sitting next to them on the bus starts chatting her up so she can't escape easily. One person's "trapped" is another person's "cozy".

3) Laundromat. Wait, have you ever been to a laundromat? Scratch that one.

4) Bookstore. You can try this, but be careful not to have a giant cliche fall on you.

5) Coffee house. Just pretend your latte is already "Irished up". A good way to make this convincing is to not wear pants.

6) Street corners. Most people think women don't like being whistled at when they're on their way to their business. However, construction workers and day laborers keep on doing it. This leads to the conclusion that it must work sometimes.

7) The theatre. The risk here is that any woman you try to pick up at the theatre is going to make you her shopping buddy. Danger, Will Robinson!

Egypt Burning

It's becoming pretty clear that Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak is going to resign soon, as the protests in Cairo don't seem to be letting up and no half measures will placate the crowds. Even ruthless dictators--and I suppose dictators didn't get their jobs by being all sweetness and sunshine, with the possible exception of President For Life Generalissimo Francois Sanchez Huggiepie who won control of Portugal for that brief crazy period in the '70s due to the effect of far too much disco music and cocaine in the country--will balk at having to mow down thousands of protesters to keep power, particularly where this will--surprise!--lead to more protests, more killing, and maybe a military unwilling to carry out such orders on their own people. Mubarak, it seems, is in an untenable position.

But then, is that really such a bad thing from his perspective? He's a longtime U.S. ally, so one could think that he could retire peacefully in fabulous wealth in Vegas or somewhere, being all wistful about losing power and trying to console himself with his billions of dollars and hookers and cocaine (as I imagine it went for the Shah before he got sick). Even if he weren't welcome in the U.S., there's always France which seems to have provided a haven for everyone ranging from Trotsky to the Ayatollah Khomeini to Jerry Lewis.

Mubarak might be genuinely concerned for his country--after all, even dictators often rationalize to themselves that they're holding power solely to prevent a worse outcome for their people, and if only everyone would do EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE TOLD then everything would be nice and sweet. Iran may have had it bad under the Shah, but the gang that replaced him proved far worse. Mubarak could be thinking that his leaving would put some gang of dangerous radicals in charge, who would do something stupid and start war with Israel (been there, done that, got asses kicked, FOUR times, thank you very much) or adopt an economic model akin to those GDP powerhouses, Syria and Pakistan. But then, there's really nothing Mubarak can do about that--if he wanted to manage a peaceful transition to stable, non-crazy rule, the time to have acted was a while ago. Now that he's leaving under duress, his best hope is getting his friends and loyalists out.

What should the U.S. do about this? How about, for a change, NOTHING?? Not everything in the world has to be our business. If some new gang in Egypt tries attacking Israel, they'll learn quick what the business end of a Galil assault rifle looks like. If they go so far as try to hatch terrorist plots against us, we can go to town on them. But maybe right now it'd be nice not to be seen as responsible for every regime that comes and goes over there, and taking along with it the blame for all of it.

Redrawing State Lines

I've often complained that the various states in this country have been poorly divided up. Clearly there's no need for both a North and South Dakota, and Rochester, New York has no business being in the same state as Brooklyn. But how best to solve this connundrum, which is clearly the most pressing issue of our time?

1) New England needs to be melded into one state--New New England. The mix of husky Mainers, granola hippie Vermonters, New Hampshire anarchists, Massholian dilletantes, slick Rhode Islanders and Connecticut bluebloods can get along well enough to share one state government. I even have their new state motto: "How you like them apples?" Sadly that'll be the most well known New New England quote a few decades from now.

2) The state of New York should consist of current NYC, plus half of Long Island, northern half of Jersey, and all of current New York state south of Albany. I'm basing this on where you can get good pizza and genuine rudeness. The rest of Long Island can be a territory like Samoa.

3) The remainder of Jersey can join Delaware and eastern Maryland as well as Philadelphia and its suburbs, to make a cheesesteak and crabcake filled neighbor called Fuggetaboutit.

4) Upstate New York joins the rest of Pennsylvania, West Virginia and all of Ohio to form a sports-crazed community of hunters who don't care a damn what people in NYC or New New England think. This state will be called "Steel Coal Gunsland."

5) Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, northern Florida, the Carolinas, Tennessee and southern Virginia will all be one state, called "South Gunsland." They will have a friendly rivalry with Steel Coal Gunsland over college football teams and who has more accidental gun deaths per square mile. Both of course will be closely contested by Republicans and greatly feared by Democrats. The rest of Florida will be a territory like Samoa and Long Island.

6) Chicago will be its own state, called "Corruption." Congress will bribe the state legislature of Corruption every year in order to get them to keep that name. Technically this isn't irony, but pretty neat.

7) Indiana, the rest of Illinois, Iowa, Missouri, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas and Minnesota will merge to form "West Flyover." There is no East Flyover, but we lived with a West Virginia for a long time without an East Virginia (or an "Old Jersey" for that matter) so this should be fine.

8) Michigan we will try and give back to Canada, hoping they don't realize that they never had Michigan in the first place. Shhh...

9) The Dakotas, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and Colorado will form "Rocky" because of the Rocky Mountains. The state legislature of Rocky will spend most of its time sending the National Guard to disarm various illegal militias sprouting up everywhere, and kicking Hollywood pinkos out of Aspen.

10) Nevada, Utah, and Arizona will merge to form Rocky II.

11) Texas swallows up Louisiana, Oklahoma and New Mexico because that's just the sort of thing the biggest kid on the block will do. They'll still be called Texas, but they'll be even crazier.

12) California will merge with Oregon and Washington to form "Pacific Cannabisland." My hope is that all those hippies on the West Coast unite and put down their bongos long enough to fully legalize pot. Sadly they will probably also tax themselves out of existence.

13) Alaska and Hawaii will go back to becoming territories. We gave them a chance and they blew it.

14) You probably noticed that Kentucky has been left alone. They know what they did.

Lessons Learned From Bachelor Party Weekend

1) Whether you suffer a bad hangover is very closely correlated with the quality of the booze you drink.

2) Airlines are relentless in their ability to find new ways to take any dignity out of air travel.

3) In a group that is mostly pale skinned, it is almost blinding to see them at the pool.

4) There is nothing a guy with a young child enjoys more than a couple days break from that child.

5) It is only when you get to the airport with two hours to spare that you will breeze through security.

6) It is only a matter of so many drinks before various members of the group will start coming up with business ideas. Another couple days and we would have had to draw up contracts.

7) Bourbon is really one of those things that should never come in "black cherry" flavor.

8) It is a weekend like this that reminds you of how fortunate it is to have a great group of friends.

Snyder.....Damn Snyder

Just in case you didn't already think Dan Snyder is a tool, he's now filed suit against Washington City Paper for damaging his reputation with an article from several months ago, and is threatening to "go the distance" in the litigation and even has gone as far as accusing the paper of anti-Semitism for depicting him with devil horns in their photo. Snyder is apparently Jewish, which a lot of people probably aren't aware of because most Jews aren't about to go around claiming him as one of theirs the way they will with Paul Newman, Wynona Ryder, and that chick from Veruca Salt. Snyder falls into the category of "oh geez, let's hope people don't realize he's one of us Jews", sort of like Bernie Madoff, the Son of Sam, or the NBC president that fired Conan O'Brien. (We Italians are sympathetic--we'd love to be able to disclaim the Jersey Shore gang)

First, this is nonsense--really, if modern anti-Semitism has been reduced to a silly "devil-horns" photo of a person who happens to be Jewish, then I guess we've come a long way from the days of pogroms. Snyder's team should be ashamed to throw around swill like that--it's an insult to those who actually do suffer vitriolic attacks based on their ethnicity.

Second, again, what a tool. The City Paper article--you can see it here--was from November, and didn't get much press. (City Paper, for those of you outside of DC, is like Village Voice--sort of underground-ish, good readership but not exactly CNN) Now, by filing suit against an alternative weekly, Snyder is (a) providing more press for the original article, which is now linked via Washington Post among other far more widely read media outlets, and (b) doing far further damage to his reputation as a rich, thin-skinned bully than the article possibly could have done.

This guy also apparently has a public relations team. If they're working for free, they're overpaid.

Super Bowled

Well, the Super Bowl is only a few days away, and legions of fans in the greater Pittsburgh area (which interestingly includes D.C., which apparently has no football team of its own) and the greater Chicago area are ready to face off in a test of wills. Does steel trump stockyards? We shall see! But no grudge match is complete without making it interesting--I'm talking about bets! Here's my picks:

1) First stupid thing said by a TV commentator--I'm going to go with someone pointing out the fact that this is the first Super Bowl where neither team has cheerleaders. Extra points if this leads to an in depth discussion of sexism in the NFL.

2) Best commercial of the evening--It'll have to be a commercial for Pepsi. They're just due.

3) Most talked about commercial that doesn't actually help sell the product--remember the GoDaddy ads with the girl who had a nipple slip? I think this year it'll be an ad that features Sarah Palin shooting a congresswoman in the head. What will they be selling? Does it really matter?

4) Biggest example of some disaster that we all should have seen coming--Troy Polamalu having his long dreadlocks ripped off by an opposing player. I don't remember anyone ripping off Johnny Unitas' dreadlocks. In my day, onion in my belt, uphill both ways, get off my lawn...

5) Final Score--the Steelers will collectively walk away with $40 million in celebrity endorsements, and the Bears will wind up with about $15 million.

6) Most annoying person at the Super Bowl Party--the one who complains that we're missing the Get Smart marathon on TBS.

7) Greatest hero at the Super Bowl--the guy who stays sober long enough to pick up more ice and some goldfish crackers since we're running low.

8) Reason this will be the best Super Bowl ever--because I'll be watching it with the gang in Miami.

Exorcise This

Watching a bunch of exorcism movies has taught me a great deal--namely, that the film that started the craze back in 1973--"The Exorcist"--was pretty much the best of the bunch and none of the others would be able to hold a candle to it. I also learned that demons prefer young women, they have foul mouths, and they spend an unnatural amount of time vomiting. In short, demons are basically teenage boys.

While the exorcists of the films have not thought to fight the demon with distracting video games and beer, I think I'd make a pretty good exorcist for the following reasons:

1) I have a much fouler tongue than any demon. Think you can faze me with that dirty talk, you young punk? I used to hang around gas stations--you're not ready for my level of profanity.

2) Once restrained to the bedposts, the girl that the demon possesses is basically confined to the room and unable to do much except maybe raise the bed a bit. Ooh, scary, the demon can basically do what a coin-operated vibrator bed can do in the cheaper motels. Yawn!

3) I can wear a smock in case of projectile vomit. In fact, I might just suprise the demon by barfing on it myself! Then I'd be like "sorry dude, but the sight of vomit makes me sick, and I just had a LOT of chilli..."

4) I'd use the opportunity to ask some pressing questions, such as what will be the final score in the Super Bowl? If the devil is stuck in some girl, how can he be out causing floods and stuff? Is God really all that cool, or is he sort of hyped?

5) When reciting the various prayers and incantations, I'd slip in some dirty jokes to see if the devil can pick up on that.

6) I'm very empathetic, and maybe the devil just needs a friendly ear. We might even have a psychological breakthrough, where he realizes that all along, we was only possessing....himself.

7) I can try and trick the devil into getting into an empty bottle because "there's totally awesome souls in there that he's gotta check out" and once he gets in there just cork it up. Then put a label on the bottle reading "devil inside, literally, do not try to drink or open you jive fool" and put it on a shelf where I can only assume no one will ever get curious and open the damn thing.

8) I can do that thing where everything the devil says I repeat back. It gets annoying real quick and I'll bet the devil is no exception.