Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Exorcise This

Watching a bunch of exorcism movies has taught me a great deal--namely, that the film that started the craze back in 1973--"The Exorcist"--was pretty much the best of the bunch and none of the others would be able to hold a candle to it. I also learned that demons prefer young women, they have foul mouths, and they spend an unnatural amount of time vomiting. In short, demons are basically teenage boys.

While the exorcists of the films have not thought to fight the demon with distracting video games and beer, I think I'd make a pretty good exorcist for the following reasons:

1) I have a much fouler tongue than any demon. Think you can faze me with that dirty talk, you young punk? I used to hang around gas stations--you're not ready for my level of profanity.

2) Once restrained to the bedposts, the girl that the demon possesses is basically confined to the room and unable to do much except maybe raise the bed a bit. Ooh, scary, the demon can basically do what a coin-operated vibrator bed can do in the cheaper motels. Yawn!

3) I can wear a smock in case of projectile vomit. In fact, I might just suprise the demon by barfing on it myself! Then I'd be like "sorry dude, but the sight of vomit makes me sick, and I just had a LOT of chilli..."

4) I'd use the opportunity to ask some pressing questions, such as what will be the final score in the Super Bowl? If the devil is stuck in some girl, how can he be out causing floods and stuff? Is God really all that cool, or is he sort of hyped?

5) When reciting the various prayers and incantations, I'd slip in some dirty jokes to see if the devil can pick up on that.

6) I'm very empathetic, and maybe the devil just needs a friendly ear. We might even have a psychological breakthrough, where he realizes that all along, we was only possessing....himself.

7) I can try and trick the devil into getting into an empty bottle because "there's totally awesome souls in there that he's gotta check out" and once he gets in there just cork it up. Then put a label on the bottle reading "devil inside, literally, do not try to drink or open you jive fool" and put it on a shelf where I can only assume no one will ever get curious and open the damn thing.

8) I can do that thing where everything the devil says I repeat back. It gets annoying real quick and I'll bet the devil is no exception.

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