They Pull Down Your Pants and Spank You With Moon Rocks

I have to admit I'm a sucker for the "found footage" style of horror movie, where the entire film is apparently edited footage that was found somewhere after the result of "mysterious circumstances" and by watching the film you can pick up clues as to what actually happened. It's always something horrible--in "Blair Witch Project" it turned out the investigators were murdered by a witch; in "Paranormal Activity" it was demons. It never just turns out to be a hilarious road trip adventure that someone left in their closet to be discovered by their roommate. Something horrible always has to happen!

Last night's film was "Apollo 18", which supposedly is the "found footage" of a final and secret NASA mission to a far-flung and previously unexplored section of the moon in the mid-'70s. Why should this be a horrifying tale, you ask? Well, you don't remember hearing about how this mission turned out, do you? (Actually, I don't remember hearing about any moon landings except the one where they first landed on the moon, and the one where they got stuck a bit and needed Ed Harris to help get them back. Apparently, we've been to the moon a few times, but as they say, no one remembers the second person to fly across the Atlantic, either.)

Spoilers ahead! The landing seems pretty routine, until they discover that there is a Soviet lunar module near where they landed. Creepier still, the module is busted up a bit, with the red flag knocked down, and a dead cosmonaut nearby. (At first, it seemed implausable--with a surface area equal to that of the continental United States, what is the chance of the Americans landing anywhere near where the Soviets did? But then, the idea that NASA secretly knew about the Soviet landing and intentionally sent their men to the same coordinates would explain it) Ruling out the possibility that the Russians ran low on vodka and went berzerkers, the American astronauts are a bit creeped out.

Soon enough, their own flag gets knocked down, probably by some moon-hippie who doesn't respect what that flag stands for! Plus, their moon rover gets tipped over. It's clear that they're not alone up there. Worse, they can't seem to get liftoff to rejoin their comrade orbiting above, to get home.

As it turns out, the moon rocks are sentient beings, crab mosters as it were, and they soon do what they do best--get inside the space suits and burrow into the astronauts skins. Eeks! I suppose before the first real astronauts did land there, they had to consider the possibility of some horrible thing being down there (or of their space suits not working, after all, no one could really test anything in the moon's atmosphere since they were the first to go there). The film does a good job capturing their claustrophobia, and sense of trapped doom. As this is "found footage", we know that none of the astronauts are going to survive this caper.

Overall, the movie was very entertaining--perhaps because I'd read scathing reviews and had my expectations lowered. Sure, there were some logical questions--for instance, how was the footage found if no one went back to the moon afterwards? How did the sound of the moon monsters carry in the vacuum atmosphere of the moon? Why do the astronauts seem to have the same gravitational effect on the moon as they do on earth? But if you suspend belief a bit, you can get past that.

Movies Based on Board Games

The news that Hollywood is funding a big budget film based on the board game "Battleship" has bothered me more than I thought it would. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's so UNNECESSARY to spend so much on a film about a big naval battle and have to share revenues with the makers of the board game (Parker Brothers? Milton Bradley?), because it's not as though anyone who enjoys the board game will say "what, a movie about this??? Sign me up!" Why not just make a movie about a naval battle, with the bad guys being the Brazilians or soemthing, toss in a cheesy romantic subplot where the admiral and one of his gunnery officers are competing for the same girl, and call it a day?

Considering that, let's look at other movies Hollywood will consider if this one even makes back half its investment:

1) Checkers. The tag line--"Just when you thought it was safe to advance one square. Suddenly, you and your four red friends get jumped. It's not fair . . . it's Checkers." Starring Ben Affleck as the black checker and Ed Norton as a red square.

2) Hungry Hungry Hippos. The tag line--"The hippos have been eating all day. Surely they are full . . . but then, you don't know hippos." Starring Cuba Gooding Jr. as the yellow hippo, and George Clooney as a marble.

3) Monopoly. The tag line--"You just got out of jail, and have about forty dollars to your name. Maybe it's time for an overnight stay at Park Place . . . until you see they just built hotels there." Starring Samuel L Jackson as the shoe.

4) Operation. The tag line--"It seemed like a normal day at the ER. They wheel in the patient. Turns out, he's all wired up with electric cables, and you have to remove random crap out of his body without hitting the electric cables. You ask the nurse to unplug the electricity, but she won't do it. This is madness!" Starring Russell Crowe as the surgeon.

Giants Win Super Bowl, and Post Game Thoughts

Last night's Super Bowl has given us time to reflect on the following:

1) Big companies have spent millions for 30-second ads to remind us that heavy pick-up trucks, beer and Doritos still exist in amusing ways. This is great, because just recently I was asking a friend if they still made Doritos and if he could think of anything funny to do with Doritos.

2) They're making a movie based on the game "Battleship"??? I'm sure the reason the big studios are losing money is due to video piracy and not the fact that they distribute fetid crap like this every year.

3) The halftime show has evolved into a game of "this act would have been really hot a few decades ago". Imagine Madonna at the 1984 Super Bowl show, or the Rolling Stones at the 1968 Super Bowl show, or the Black Eyed Peas never being at any Super Bowl show. It's as though the booking agent is incredibly overworked and can't do anything in less than 20 years. We'll know my theory is correct if next year's headliner is Third Eye Blind, sponsored by Enron and Pets.com.

4) Handsome, multimillionaire quarterback Tom Brady's supermodel wife has asked people to pray for her husband to win the Super Bowl. See, if the power of prayer can make miracles happen, this is what we need to spend our prayer on. Those starving kids in the Sudan will just have to wait.

5) Apparently, Pats fans didn't pray hard enough, with the Giants pulling off an upset (and enwealthening--yes it's a word--millions who bet against the spread). Between this and the 2008 result, the Giants are now the true nemesis of New England. Which is good, the traditional Redskins Cowboys rivalry means little when both teams suck year after year.

Advice for Romney

1) Don't ever let the words "I don't care about the very poor" come out of your mouth in that sequence, unless what you are saying is "Season 4 of Jersey Shore? I don't care. About the very poor, though, I care a great deal." Then and only then should those words be said in that exact order.

2) An endorsement from Donald Trump should be treated like an endorsement from Charles Manson. Who on earth is going to give you their vote because of that endorsement???

3) Nobody--except for the economically ignorant--will fault you for having made a fortune legally, and paying only as much in taxes as you were required by law. But you should realize that your relatively low tax rate conflicts with your message that taxes for wealthy investors--like yourself--should be reduced further when deficits are out of control, and voters will resent that message coming from you. If anything, you are in a better position to argue for tax code simplification so that ordinary income is taxed the same as capital gains.

4) Seriously, don't wear jeans. They look out of place on a rich guy with newscaster looks.

5) You don't really need to use negative ads against Gingrich and Santorum. Santorum can be defeated by just asking voters to Google his name. Gingrich can be defeated by just letting him speak, and remind people that he's Newt Gingrich.

6) Nobody believes for a minute that you genuinely want to use the power of the state to prevent gays from marrying one another, particularly considering you adopted this position for the first time in 2008. You might as well take a stand on principle here.

7) Opposing everything Obama does--even when it's hawkish moves in foreign policy, tax cuts at home, and budget cuts that would all otherwise be cheered by the GOP--only makes it look less credible. Give him credit now and then, so that what you actually do oppose will have greater weight.

8) With today's job numbers--unemployment down to 8.3% and a monthly gain of 250,000 jobs--it's looking more and more like Obama's getting re-elected. Win or lose come November, you at least don't want to go down in flames as embarrassingly as your last two Massachusetts predecessors (Messrs. Kerry and Dukakis). Best to take the above advice!

Who Knew Pythons Were a Bad Idea?

It's a well known fact that in nature's great battle between alligators and giant snakes, I always side with the alligators. Maybe it's because alligators were impressed upon me at a young age to be hilarious and buffoonish, like the hillbilly gator Gabby that always got outwitted by Woody Woodpecker. Snakes on the other hand? They lack personality! Only weirdos like them!

So it was upsetting to see that because of morons who (a) think it's a good idea to own a giant snake as a pet, (b) didn't realize it's expensive and difficult to keep a giant snake as a pet, and (c) decide that the best solution to their giant snake ownership problem is to let the damn thing go outdoors, the Everglades are now becoming overrun with giant snakes that are upsetting the balance of nature by killing off the other wildlife. Gators, those lovably dangerous little dinosaurs, are especially vulnerable after having spent thousands of years having no natural predators to worry about except drunken hunters.

It also makes me wonder if this problem is only confined to Florida because of its warm climate year round--maybe irresponsible pet owners in northern states are letting giant snakes loose in city parks, and the snakes simply don't survive the winters. Still, that means I now have to be careful on the National Mall just in case someone's python is sitting in a tree waiting for a passing snack to walk by with his iPod. Note to self--don't smother yourself in sesame ginger sauce before going for a walk near any big trees.

Etiquette Questions Answered!

Now seems as good a time as any to share some basic etiquette lessons with my faithful readers:

1) "I know that with steak one should drink red wine. What should you drink when you're enjoying broccoli casserole?" Answer--paint thinner. Do whatever you take to burn out the inside of your mouth after eating something so foul as broccoli casserole.

2) "At dinner parties, the seating should be boy, girl, boy, girl. How do you seat people at the table when it's all men?" Answer--when it's all men they never sit around the table, but rather mill about the basement and pick pieces of the pizza directly from the box, which is sitting on the upended broken refrigerator that doubles as a coffee table. And don't block the TV.

3) "When invited to a cocktail party, it's customary to bring drinks. However, I have tacky friends that take their leftover drinks back home with them when they leave for the night. How do I politely tell them that it is awkward to have someone snatch up their wine or beer on their way out in middle of the party?" Answer--as you fetch their coats, lick the tops and sides of whatever drinks they brought so they realize those drinks now belong to the host.

4) "When holding a door for someone who is entering or exiting a building, it can be awkward if they're so far behind you that you're standing there holding the door for more than a few seconds. How far behind you does someone have to be it to be acceptable to not hold the door for them?" Answer--why the hell are you holding a door for someone at all? If they're a man, they'll feel emasculated. If they're a woman, they'll feel condescended. If they're handicapped, they shouldn't be using doors.

5) "Most Europeans cut their food using their left hands, and Americans often switch hands when cutting food. If you're setting a table for a mixed group of Americans and Europeans, where should you set the forks and knives?" Answer--you don't need a fork and knife to eat hot dogs. There, problem solved.

6) "When setting a table, should the utensils that are to be used in the earlier courses be set farther from the plate than the utensils to be used in later courses? How does that work?" Answer--this is a very important dillema, because at one dinner party I set the forks wrong and the guests freaked out, unable to find the right fork and thus they had to eat their salad with their bare hands. I advise just using sporks, and making sure all the sporks are one size.

7) "When answering correspondence, and you aren't aware of the gender of the person you're addressing, and they have a unisex name like "Leslie" or "Terry", should you default to "Mr." or "Ms."?" Answer--default to "Dr." Everyone likes being mistaken for a doctor.

Wednesday Thoughts

1) I get why no one names their kid "Adolf" anymore, but I don't understand why no one names their kid "Sherlock". After all, Holmes was a master of deduction! Who wouldn't want their kid to be a master of deduction?

2) When I see the media "call" an election with only a sample of 2% of the votes counted--and generally get it right--it makes me wonder if we might see a day when a war gets called early in the first battle. Imagine about ten minutes into the Battle of the Coral Sea, the Japanese realizing that statistically there was no way they could win the war, and coming to terms long before losing millions of people and their whole empire.

3) Adam Sandler is making a film based on the board game "Candyland." There is some idiot greenlighting this in Hollywood, who is saying to investors "just imagine the synergies of the always strong Adam Sandler demographic and the fans of Candyland. Can't miss!" And this person is well paid to make such decisions. I propose we build a moat around Hollywood and start fresh with a new Tinseltown somewhere in Nevada.

4) Every time I read an article about how bad high heels are for the feet, there's always at least one comment saying that high heels were obviously invented by men. This is true, except it ignores that they were also invented FOR men. Aristocrats at the time of Louis XIV wanted to look taller. And I should point out that I have yet to know any man who sees a woman in flats and says "she's hot, except what's with the low heels???"

5) The Everglades swamp now has a serious problem with pythons being released into the wild by morons who somehow think it's a good idea to own a giant snake until the food bills come. And there are also millions of amateur hunters in the country who have too much time on their hands. I fail to see how these two problems can't be solved together?

6) And no, I'm not volunteering to hunt anything in the Everglades. More likely I'd make it about twenty feet into the swamp before tripping and shooting myself with my own rifle.