Who Knew Pythons Were a Bad Idea?

It's a well known fact that in nature's great battle between alligators and giant snakes, I always side with the alligators. Maybe it's because alligators were impressed upon me at a young age to be hilarious and buffoonish, like the hillbilly gator Gabby that always got outwitted by Woody Woodpecker. Snakes on the other hand? They lack personality! Only weirdos like them!

So it was upsetting to see that because of morons who (a) think it's a good idea to own a giant snake as a pet, (b) didn't realize it's expensive and difficult to keep a giant snake as a pet, and (c) decide that the best solution to their giant snake ownership problem is to let the damn thing go outdoors, the Everglades are now becoming overrun with giant snakes that are upsetting the balance of nature by killing off the other wildlife. Gators, those lovably dangerous little dinosaurs, are especially vulnerable after having spent thousands of years having no natural predators to worry about except drunken hunters.

It also makes me wonder if this problem is only confined to Florida because of its warm climate year round--maybe irresponsible pet owners in northern states are letting giant snakes loose in city parks, and the snakes simply don't survive the winters. Still, that means I now have to be careful on the National Mall just in case someone's python is sitting in a tree waiting for a passing snack to walk by with his iPod. Note to self--don't smother yourself in sesame ginger sauce before going for a walk near any big trees.