The news that Hollywood is funding a big budget film based on the board game "Battleship" has bothered me more than I thought it would. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's so UNNECESSARY to spend so much on a film about a big naval battle and have to share revenues with the makers of the board game (Parker Brothers? Milton Bradley?), because it's not as though anyone who enjoys the board game will say "what, a movie about this??? Sign me up!" Why not just make a movie about a naval battle, with the bad guys being the Brazilians or soemthing, toss in a cheesy romantic subplot where the admiral and one of his gunnery officers are competing for the same girl, and call it a day?
Considering that, let's look at other movies Hollywood will consider if this one even makes back half its investment:
1) Checkers. The tag line--"Just when you thought it was safe to advance one square. Suddenly, you and your four red friends get jumped. It's not fair . . . it's Checkers." Starring Ben Affleck as the black checker and Ed Norton as a red square.
2) Hungry Hungry Hippos. The tag line--"The hippos have been eating all day. Surely they are full . . . but then, you don't know hippos." Starring Cuba Gooding Jr. as the yellow hippo, and George Clooney as a marble.
3) Monopoly. The tag line--"You just got out of jail, and have about forty dollars to your name. Maybe it's time for an overnight stay at Park Place . . . until you see they just built hotels there." Starring Samuel L Jackson as the shoe.
4) Operation. The tag line--"It seemed like a normal day at the ER. They wheel in the patient. Turns out, he's all wired up with electric cables, and you have to remove random crap out of his body without hitting the electric cables. You ask the nurse to unplug the electricity, but she won't do it. This is madness!" Starring Russell Crowe as the surgeon.
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