Observations About Las Vegas

1) Every single thing you try to do in Vegas requires walking through disorienting cavernous rooms where you have to pass at least twenty betting tables.  The idea here is you're saying to yourself "I really need to find the front desk to ask about oh screw it I'll plop down $20 on red."  It's particularly annoying trying to find something on the Strip when you don't gamble.

2) People will drag their toddlers around on the Strip after midnight.  Apparently this is a thing.

3) It's very thoughtful of all the young women who dress like hookers so that the vice cops won't be able to spot the actual hookers and hassle them.  (Of course, with prostitution legal outside of Vegas, one wonders if that competition makes it harder for Vegas hookers?)

4) You can still function in Las Vegas when you've been awake for 24 hours.  Not function well, but function nonetheless.

5) Despite a mind-boggling long line for taxis at the airport, they handle it with an efficiency and order that should be emulated at airports around the world.

6) Apparently it's acceptable for sidewalks to just end at a wall, requiring you to go up escalators into casinos, past several gambling tables, then back out again at the sidewalk on the other side of the street.  All this to try and fleece a few more gamblers?  What do you expect in a city founded by the Mafia?

7) The pools are pretty terrific and would have been more so if I were drinking beer.

8) Don't go there if you suffer from epilepsy.

Tips for Arguing Like an Idiot

It's never a good idea to debate politics on the Internet--this brilliant modern form of media is really best for sharing recipes and arguing about whether New York Pizza is better than Chicago Deep Dish Pizza (which is a trick question, because Chicago Style is really a pot pie and not a pizza at all).  But there's no better way of finding out that discussions over the issues of the day can lead to straw man arguments, ad hominems, and reducti ad absurdem.  Here are some examples of how the Internet Idiot will argue politics with you:

1) When my guy does it, it's okay, when your guy does it, it's bad because it's different even if it really isn't.  Obama doing something playful and silly (like "slow jamming" the news)?  He's either a down to earth guy with a good sense of humor or he's denigrating his office, depending on who you're asking.  And quite likely that same person will see it the opposite way if it were George Bush doing the equivalently silly thing.

2) You want government more involved in some aspect of the economy?  Why not move to Soviet Russia, if it still existed?  You want less government?  How about lawless Somalia?  You want the police to have more leeway?  Too bad you couldn't live in Nazi Germany!  Clearly, those extremes are all that exist in the world of the Internet Idiot!  Never mind that the difference between Democrats and Republicans these days are pretty minor by world historical standards.

3) If you're not a woman, you're not entitled to an opinion on women's issues (abortion, etc.).  If you haven't served in the military, anything you have to say about war is invalid.  If you don't run a business, your opinion on economic matters is clearly out of your depth.  Never mind that all of these issues affect society at large as well as all individuals living in it.  NOTE: this is not the same as pointing out that as "X" person you have firsthand perspective on something (a soldier who has experienced war, a woman who has gone through pregnancy) which merits added consideration.  My objection is to the idea of arguing with who someone IS rather than the actual argument they're making.

4) Related to 3), the old ad hominem--"you must think that because you're a racist/commie/richperson/parasite".  Reduce the person you're arguing with to a person unworthy of an arguing partner, and you'll never have to deal with the actual point they're making.

5) Lastly, the idea that someone could disagree with you and at the same time not be (a) rotten or (b) stupid should be discarded immediately.  The Internet Idiot is incapable of acknowledging that there may be other perspectives that while incorrect are not stupid or evil.  After all, none of the above can work if you actually respect the points that you're arguing with.

Selling Booze to Minors is a Serious Matter! Particularly if You're an Idiot.

If this story doesn't boil your potatoes, then you have no soul.  A clerk at a bodega (that's small corner shop for those of you squares!) was recently busted for selling Smirnoff Ice to a minor who happened to be an 18-year old auxiliary police officer.  (I'm guessing that's sort of like junior cops?)  The twist--the security camera shows that the clerk actually refused to sell the booze!  And of course the clerk, likely not the sort of moneybags who can afford a decent lawyer, pled guilty in order to avoid jail time.  There are many levels of outrage here:

1) Smirnoff Ice?  Really?  They still sell that crap?  If I were the clerk, I would have told the buyer to go home and hang his head in shame over such a purchase!  Or maybe suggest buying something less embarrassing, like a magazine for fans of tentacle porn.

2) A criminial justice system that goes ahead with convictions without checking things like oh I don't know SECURITY CAMERAS is a very broken system indeed.  We're not talking about expensive forensic analysis and expert witnesses here for crying out loud.

3) Why on earth are we wasting police resources trying to prosecute sales of booze to 18 year olds, who are old enough to go to war and be tried as adults?  An unjust and stupid law promulgated by the sort of morons who can't control their own kids so they want to make life difficult for everyone else, sure--but the cops really have nothing better to do?  I guess New York must have finally run out of murders and rapes.

I for one think a proper and measured response to this outrage would be to storm the courthouse with pitchforks and torches.  Of course, in the People's Republic of New York it's probably illegal to buy those too.

Good Lord This Thing Exists

At some point, a genius working at Pizza Hut Corporation was fretting over sagging sales numbers and went to drown their sorrows at the local Steak n' Shake.  While eating a delicious burger, there came the epiphany--why not combine one thing that's delicious (pizza) with another (cheeseburgers)? 

And so we have this. 

Future historians will try and determine exactly when the United States went from being an all-powerful empire that could defeat the forces of Fascism, outlast Colonialism and Communism, land on the first celestial body, and create great TV shows like Mannix, to descend into sad decadent filth.  We now need to make airplane seats bigger, larger cupholders for our cars, and motorized chairs that are not solely used by the injured or crippled.  There will be some choices as to where the turning point was:

1) The nomination of Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidency by a major poltiical party.

2) The launching of a television drama called "Supertrain" that is actually about a super train.

3) The invention of a pizza that is made of cheeseburgers.

Of course, this is just the latest revolution in fusion cuisine--the mix of "Italian" and "German" foods is not really weirder than going to a restaurant that combines Thai and Chinese.  However, if Pizza Hut makes cheeseburgers as well as they make pizza, I'll have to pass on this one.

Things I'd Like to See in Time Travel Movies

1) The time traveler hears music from a different time period from the period in which he is traveling.  E.g., a time traveler lands in 1971 and the radio is playing oldies from the 1950s.

2) The time traveler goes back 500 years and quickly realizes that the English spoken back then was impossible to understand without a degree in Middle English.

3) The time traveler goes into the future and you know what, it's not some dark dystopia where everyone is hunting the poor for food.  Life is actually a lot better for most people than it is today, just like life today is a lot better for most people than it was 100 years ago.

4) The time traveler meets his great, great grandfather, and the man does not look like an exact replica of himself with a mustache and muttonchops, because that would be stupid.

5) The time traveler goes back to Victorian times, and gets all excited to score some fine old timey chicks, then realizes that the standard of beauty is completely different back then and he'll have to turn gay instead.

6) The time traveler gets all excited at the idea that his six dollars that he brought with him should be enough to buy a house back in 1860, until he realizes that no one will accept weird bank notes and if he doesn't stop trying to exchange them people will think he's a witch and burn him at the stake.

7) The time traveler goes back to 1920 to kill a young Hitler, but realizes Hitler knew ju-jitsu and this was left out of the history books because it really didn't fit with the flow of WWII.

8) The time traveler correctly accounted for the placement of the earth at the exact time of his arrival in his time travel, but did not account for a small bird flying in that exact spot so when he arrives he has half a bird stuck to his head and that becomes far more interesting than his ability to travel through time.

A New Name for the Secret Service

This latest Secret Service scandal--something about using Colombian prostitutes and stealing taxpayer money in Vegas while beating Sarkozy in a runoff election, I don't know I was just skimming the paper--has me wondering.  Wondering, why do we keep calling the Secret Service the "Secret" service?

Face it--they're fairly conspicuous with their dark suits, earpieces, and sunglasses, and of course when protecting dignitaries and examining whether currency has been forged there's really no need to be undercover.  The James Bond film "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" sort of has it right--secret servicefolk are supposed to be the spies and spooks that go sneaking around foreign countries, ordering whatever the native drinks are before unfolding evil plots involving lasers and eccentric henchmen.  (The fact that James Bond never wears a disguise, drinks his signature cocktail wherever he goes, gambles big and in the open, and introduces himself as "James Bond" to everyone he meets, is another discussion)

So why not change the name of the country's premier bodyguard service to something like the following:

1) The Order of the Shark.  Hey, I wouldn't try threatening the President if I had to deal with the Order of the Shark!

2) The Executive Guards.  Somehow, "Guards" just sounds formidable.  "We're guards!" they could say to one another while patrolling the White House lawns and picking up stray frisbees.

3) The Supreme Knights.  Admittedly, this sounds a bit Motown, as if there were a merger between Diana Ross and the Supremes and Gladys Knight and the Pips.

4) Swords of Vengeance.  Okay, now we're getting a bit off track here.

Move Over, Rebecca Black

Since the caveman days, there's always been that one guy who wasn't quite as good at hunting mastadon or crafting weapons or growing crops, but he'd take his knack for creating sounds into melodies that all would enjoy (particularly the cave-chicks!) and lo, we as a people had invented music.

Modern popular music has gone through numerous evolutions, from the great rock n' roll acts of the 1950s, to the British Invasions, the Soul Infusions, to the Hard Rock Reactions. The music scene has also been subject to a number of cultural assaults, such as Bubble Gum in the late 1960s, the Disco Explosion of the late 1970s, the Punk Craptasticalla (yes it's a word) of that same period, to this thing they call Bieber. Throughout, the music has evolved and advanced and survived these many onslaughts of bad taste.

Until now.

From what I can make out in this video, the songstresses are informing the listening audience that (1) they're hot; (2) they have problems; and (3) they're just like the rest of us. This is helpful, because (1) I need to be told what is "hot"; (2) I assume that hot people don't have problems, which is probably not a safe assumption; and (3) because I assume hot people have no problems, I also figure they're not like the rest of us and therefore should be oppressed and subjugated to please our volcano gods.

But before we get too harsh on the creators of that video, let's ask ourselves--is it really any worse than the other crap the kids are listening to these days?

My lawn....they need to get off of it.