I'm Not Saying...

I have learned that you can really get away with saying anything so long as you qualify your statement by first saying that what you're saying is not what you're actually saying. Yes, that seems confusing, so here are some examples:

1) "I'm not saying all children should have their vocal cords ripped out before they're allowed on airplanes, but something has to be done about those little monsters." See, you're not really endorsing involuntary throat surgery--just puttin' it out there!

2) "I don't think that every German family should be driven from this neighborhood, but I wouldn't exactly call the ACLU if someone were to do that." See, you're not a racist! You just don't want to get in the way of other peoples' racism.

3) "I'm not saying that my marriage to you has been the lifestyle equivalent of a gaping head wound, but it's about time we put an end to this." The important thing is that your marriage is NOT a gaping head wound! The "not" is key here.

4) "I am in no way endorsing the use of poison on my co-workers, but they might want to sniff their coffee carefully before they piss me off any further." A warning or a threat? Who knows!

5) "I'm not saying the president is a secret muslim socialist weasel, but you try and explain why he wants to raise the estate tax!" See, the speaker here is raising the possibility that there could be some other reason for Obama's estate tax policy, aside from being a secret muslim socialist weasel.

6) "I'm not saying Christine O'Donnell is about as intelligent as a slime mold, but if I had to count on her or the slime mold to form an intelligent sentence let's just say I'm going to get out my Mold-to-English dictionary." Okay, this time you're basically calling O'Donnell a moron. Shame! She's obviously very intelligent since Bill Maher doesn't put idiots on his show. Only the top intellects can go head to head with Ricky Shroeder.