Monday, October 18, 2010

Simple Solutions

My painfully simple solutions to everything include the following:

1) Foreclosure crisis. Clearly the government should take the money it spent on stimulus, TARP, all that, and just buy the houses directly from the troubled homeowners. House underwater? We'll give you time to pay it back--by tearing out all the parts of the house and selling them at flea markets. Then you have no mortgage owed, government gets housing space that can be sold onto the market over time, and the banks unload their bad mortgages. Win win win, I say!

2) Illegal border crossings from Mexico. Set up signs at our border area that say "Welcome to Canada" and feature the Canadian flag and plenty of people playing hockey and eating poutine and talking with accents. The border crossers will think they went too far, and turn back south to go to "America".

3) Border drug gangs. See, one of the reasons for the immigration is people trying to escape the drug gangs. This is terrible! (The gangs, not the people escaping them) I propose we announce a total reversal on the drug war, and say that cocaine is totally legal and the government wants to buy a lot of it for our troops in Afghanistan to hand out to kids since candy isn't as popular as it used to be. Then, when the drug gangs come to the high school gymnasiums where the buy is "going down", DEA agents swoop in and arrest them all. An elaborate ruse!

4) North Korea going Krazy. Just have our president pretend to be a leader of an entirely different country (we can give it a neat name, like "East Obamastan") and tell Kim Jong Il that we want to have a big summit to discuss an alliance against those awful Americans. Jong will be so excited, he probably won't even try to find East Obamastan on the map (and if he does, we can just say it's "back there near India" and that should suffice), and he'll come to the summit at the Hilton Garden Inn and then get swooped in on by DEA agents (fresh from catching border drug gangs). The crowning moment will be Obama removing the turban and beard, James Bond villain style. Of course he wont' want to get photographed in that getup or it'll give Glenn Beck a field day.

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