Monday, July 25, 2011

Classic Biker Films

If movies have taught us nothing else--and they haven't--they have taught us that all the highways of the West are clogged with villainous biker gangs that roam from town to town, terrorizing the uptight older folks and preppies who have nothing to protect them except for a corrupt and incompetent sherriff. Normally you'd think the National Guard would be called out when such insurrectionary groups create mass mayhem, but let's not dwell on that. Instead, let's dwell on what makes an ideal biker film:

1) Must be produced by the esteemed studio "American International Pictures", somewhere between 1966 and 1973.

2) The bikers should look like beatniks, and have chicks in them (bikers refer to their broads as "chicks") who wear a lot of eye liner despite spending their days riding bitch on the back of a hog.

3) Whenever they're riding, or punching, or drinking lots of beer out of cans that are simply labelled "beer", the bikers must have surf music playing. Why surf music? Why not?

4) When anyone gets punched, it will look a lot like bright red paint got smeared everywhere. My theory is that bikers are actually artists who carry their paint with them, and this gets spilled constantly during fights.

5) Within every biker gang is one undercover guy, usually a returning Marine from 'Nam, who infiltrated the gang in order to exact revenge upon the second in command who wronged the undercover guy's woman in some way.

6) Townsfolk never just show up in a mass with their shotguns and unload a torrent of buckshot at the bikers, ending the adventure prematurely. This is because they're hoping the bikers are only passing through and won't hassle anyone. This is a big mistake. Bikers never just "pass through".

7) When anyone on the road in their car or truck is being menaced by the bikers, they never seem to take the easiest step which is smash into them because Bike vs. Large Vehicle = Dead Biker. Instead, they run themselves off the road, and get menaced, perhaps beaten and robbed, and usually some young woman dies in the process, leading her husband to infiltrate the gang and get revenge (see 5, above).

8) There is never a traffic jam on any highway, because that might cause the biker gang to decide it sucks sitting out in the hot sun in heavy leather and sweating and stuff.

9) We never see the biker gang taking their bikes in for emissions inspection, but we must assume that they do at some point since any cop pulling them over and not seeing the emissions approval will run them in.

The glorious era of the biker film, as noted, ended about forty years ago, but there is good reason for a revival. I'm thinking a great indie film called "Bikers Vs. Truckers" that could feature a running battle across the southwest. Such a film could really capture the modern American spirit.

But hey, the studios have better projects to work on, like Transformers 4. May they all rot in hell.

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