Friday, July 15, 2011

The Lemonade Stand

This debt ceiling debate does nothing to shake my belief that everyone running our government today is completely incapable of running a lemonade stand. In fact, let's imagine for a minute how a lemonade stand would operate, if Congress and the President were operating it.

1) The Democrats would point out that it is imperative that the stand use organic lemons, infused with imported mint, and bottled water, which makes it cost $10 to produce each glass of lemonade. Some of that $10 is also used to launch studies into the future needs for cane sugar and an ice cube maker.

2) The GOP argues that if they sell the lemoade for $10, it will force consumers to go into another neighborhood to buy lemonade, thus raising no revenue. Instead, lemonade should be charged at $2 a glass.

3) The Democrats then say that losing $8 for each glass of lemonade sold would drive them out of business. Numbers, how do they work?

4) The GOP would point out that if they got rid of the bottled water and used hose water, used cheap lemon powder instead of organic lemons, skipped the mint and the ice, they could bring the cost of each glass sold down to $4.

5) The Democrats would point out that $4 is still more than $2, so prices need to go up. And now they're producing some really lousy lemonade.

6) The GOP would say that maybe if they dropped prices to $1.50, they could make up their losses on volume.

7) The Democrats would say that the GOP doesn't support a woman's right to choose, which doesn't really have anything to do with anything. And that losing $2.50 per glass still doesn't work. Perhaps they can stop paying the older kids in the neighborhood to protect the lemonade stand, since it's a safe neighborhood and they haven't needed protection for a while?

8) The GOP would say we definitely need the older kids to protect us! That way we can fight neighborhood bullies in THEIR neighborhoods, so we don't have to fight them in our own. And if we really need to bring costs of lemonade below $4 a glass, how about we not let the kids who work the stand form a union? And maybe stop spending some of our lemonade revenue on donations to far flung neighborhoods that hate us anyway!

9) The Democrats would retort that without the kids' union, they would be subject to sweatshop lemonade stand practices, and the revenue that was sent to other neighborhoods (to help them buy bug spray or whatever) only amounted to a few dollars every summer. Not enough to make a difference!

10) After this bickering takes up the entire summer, the adults shut the whole operation down because clearly no one knows how to play nice.

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