Thursday, July 28, 2011

Again With the Omens!

The 1970s were about a lot of things--terrible home decor, mustaches, and of course children who were the spawn of Satan. While "Rosemary's Baby" first warned us of this scourge in 1968, the Satan-child fears reached the zenith with the 1976 documentary "The Omen". There, we learned that evil little kids could really wreck a birthday party with dead nannies and babboon attacks.

Now, putting myself in the shoes of Ambassador Thorne, what would I have done if I discovered my son was actually the spawn of the Devil? In the documentary, Thorne was shot by police before he had a chance to stab the kid to death, which really sucks because they were British police who don't normally carry guns. And not to go off on a tangent, but what's up with that? The only reason not to run from the cops is because they tend to get all shootey on you. I figure with a British cop the only downside of running is that they might throw their fish and chips at you.

But yeah, let's say I'm sitting out on my patio enjoying tea and crumpets and some investigative reporter warns me that my kid is really Satan-spawn, and then just as he's finished telling me this he gets mysteriously vaporized by lightning or eaten to death by crows. I think I'd then turn to my rascally kid and say "okay, Devil-boy, you know what this means. You're cleaning that up!" Then we'd be off to Vegas because he might be good at manipulating a roulette wheel.

See, one thing they never tried with the Damien kid is the idea of negotiating with him. After all, is being the Devil an inborn thing, or learned behavior? I'd like to think it's partly both, and maybe there's some positives that can come from unholy power.

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