Tuesday, September 27, 2011

How to Arbitrarily Become a Fan

Football watching for me is more an excuse to eat chilli and drink beer with friends while a game happens to be on than it is an actual interest in the game itself. That said, it always brings me joy to read about a defeat for the Washington Redskins. The only NFL team with a blatantly racist name, a team that has been priced out of the range of any middle class fan that is not an idiot willing to forgo health insurance in order to be able to afford to attend games, a team that has been inconveniently moved to Landover, making them now harder to reach for Washingtonians than Baltimore's stadium, a team owned by a completely irredeemable piece of garbage--yep, you can count on some satisfaction when I see them lose.

But football--even for a chilli-beer-buddies fan--should be about more than just rooting against one team. After all, despite the abysmal stewardship of Dan Snyder, who is to professional football what Casey Anthony was to motherhood, it is possible that the stars will align and the sun will go black like sackcloth and the Redskins may reach the Super Bowl one day. And when that day comes, I'll need a team to root for in order to beat them and make Snyder cry like the blubbering mess that he really is. What team to root for? I have some criteria:

1) The team can't play on an artificial field (or worse, a dome). If God meant for us to play football inside, he would have called it Houseball.

2) The team needs cheerleaders. There's something about underpaid grown women being ogled that brings some tradition to the game.

3) The team needs a cool helmet design. The Browns helmet is too cutesy, what with no logo. The Bengals aren't fooling anybody, we know you're not a tiger! The Vikings helmet is a giant fail, since the "horns" aren't literally protruding from the helmet in a way that allows for impaling the foe.

4) The owner's douchebaggery should not be nationally known.

That leaves some strong contenders! I have it down to Broncos, Ravens, Cardinals, and Buccaneers. Stay tuned! One of those four will be really good this year.


  1. For a team to root for against the 'Skins in the Superbowl, they'll have to be in the AFC, thereby eliminating the Cards and Bucs. Also, the Cards play inside. The Ravens play on Field Turf (installed last year) and their former owner is a total douche. That leaves you with the Broncos, who suck.

    You could go with the Texans - they have a cool logo, their owner is ok, they have cheerleaders (it is Texas) - if you don't mind rooting for a team that plays in a stadium with a retractable roof. Nobody's perfect.

  2. Foggy, this is true--I guess I was also thinking about eliminating them before they get to the Super Bowl. The Cards and Ravens issues are new--I guess there's still Miami, New England, and Oakland which are problematic for their own reasons. Or maybe the Broncos will get good again.