Relationship Warning Signs

I for one am constantly wondering whether I am about to have my relationship involuntarily terminated, and rather than have a direct talk with my significant other (or ask why that heavily cologned Raul keeps walking around our apartment naked when I get home from work) I choose to read useful articles like this one which indicate signs that your woman is about to leave you. Let's examine each of the warning signs:

1) She no longer confides in you, and she isn't interested in talking with you. Wait a minute! Confiding is what their female friends are for, it is a well known fact that women don't tell men their problems because all of our solutions involve a wrench or duct tape. And that is whether we're talking about cars, plumbing, or troublesome co-workers.

2) She does her best to avoid you by staying out late, making plans without you and spending more time with friends. So according to this clue, a woman is only happy in her relationship if she has no life outside of it? Who needs clingyness???

3) She doesn't complain about things she always complained about before. This may be because she thinks that she's going to leave you soon anyway. Or, this could mean she has matured enough to realize that she can't mold and change a man to her own desires and she has accepted you for the man you are.

4) She doesn't seem glad to see you when you get home; she no longer misses you. It could be because the stench of whiskey and sour defeat is nothing to be happy about when it comes in the front door.

5) She has no interest in sex. Eek!

6) She has a "whatever" attitude. She doesn't want to discuss any plans for the future or even for next week. This could just be a sign that you're with one of those "live for the now" types and maybe she knows that guys don't like to plan for the future either. Why is everything a bad sign?

7) She doesn't like to hold hands with you or be touched, kissed or hugged by you. When she kisses you, she acts like she's kissing a relative. When you go to kiss her, she turns her head so that you kiss her cheek. I've never seen a woman I was dating actually kiss a relative, so I have no basis of comparison here. They also learn quickly that holding hands is only good for clotheslining tourists on the sidewalk.

8) Her friends and family act a bit different and uncomfortable around you because she has told them that she intends to leave you. More likely they're acting different and uncomfortable because of the drunken racist rant you went on the previous Sunday dinner. But it was their fault for bringing up touchy subjects like weather and traffic.

So, this list is less than helpful! Any suggestions for better signs of danger in a relationship?