Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Death of "Bro"

Well, it finally happened--the term "bro", long considered overused and uncool, has reached the depths of squaresville--Senator Harry Reid, a guy who is to coolness what a railroad spike in the foot is to comfort, used "bro" in answering a question.  I, for one, am happy about this because "bro" is a term that should only be used if you're addressing your actual sibling or a monk.  Or mocking the various dudebros crowding your favorite bar.

It's been several years since "Don't tase me, bro!!!" made us uncomfortable--uncomfortable in that although that dudebro was in severe pain, we couldn't help but think the use of the word "bro" somehow made it justified.  (It was also sort of hilarious that John Kerry, a man with the human emotions of a tree, continued droning on in his speech during the entire altercation) 

But I can see the problem for "bro"-using douchebags around the country--what to do, now that famous nerd Harry Reid just made your key term of affection completely uncool?  I would suggest replacing "bro" with some other great nicknames for your friends and well-wishers:

1) "Sport."  Sort of retro!  As in, "park this for me, will you, sport?" and "I wonder if this malt shop has fine dames, sport?"  Difficulty--because the term has an old fashioned vibe, the hipsters may wish to steal it.  They did it to Pabst Blue Ribbon, they can do it to "sport."

2) "Comrade."  Has a sort of "man of he people" ring to it!  After all, who wouldn't want to be a comrade?  Here's how it sounds: "Comrade, are you also waiting on line for toilet paper rations?" "Watch what you say about the Politburo, comrade!"  "Don't tase me, comrade!"  Difficulty--don't try this in the South, or they might think you're a communist and murder you.

3) "Cracka".  Sort of takes the racial animus out of "cracker."  As in, "give me some more mayo for my Wonder Bread, cracka."  "Hey cracka, you sure dance terribly!"  Difficulty--only white people are allowed to use this term!  And don't accidentally say "cracker" instead of "cracka".

4) "Unc."  Short for "uncle", which may sound weird but then keep in mind that the people you called "bro" weren't your brothers, either.  Examples: "Unc, are you going to the Nickleback concert?"  "That Nickleback concert really sucked, unc!" 

5) "Sir."  This is a great habit to get into, because then people will think you're being really respectful, when it's pretty much what you call everyone.  And you can use it sarcastically, as in "get your feet off my coffee table, SIR!" and "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get the next round!"  Difficulty--if you're in the Army, and your commanding officer hears you call everyone else "sir" you could end up in serious trouble!

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