Black Friday, Bah Humbug!

The Thanksgiving hangover has hardly subsided before millions of extremely cheap and undignified people descended on the nation's retailers at 4 in the morning Friday to get good deals on electronics and appliances. These items would be often hoarded and resold at a markup, or given as holiday presents, or in some cases actually used by the buyers. But one thing is for certain--the bottom-feeders who camp out for these amazing deals are completely classless!

My vitriol for the Black Fridayers stems mostly from last year's incident where the hordes of cheap retards crushed a worker to death and the paramedics couldn't get to him because the people in the crowd didn't want to risk losing their spot in line and not getting the wonderful deals on flat screen TVs or whatever other nonsense they were trying to buy. While I can be influenced by a sale on an item I want just as much as the next guy, I'd like to think that even saving hundreds on an appliance isn't worth waiting outside a store for hours to get the item, let alone endanger another person over it.

While a "Black Fridayer" probably thinks that they're getting one over on the world by getting a Wii for half price, I can mathematically prove that they are not taking into account the true cost of what they're doing. Consider:

Cost of Item Sold on Black Friday = Discounted Price + Time + Human Dignity + Eternal Soul + Cost of Getting Lunch at Olive Garden Near Mall

As you can see, when you add up everything in this formula, that brings you way higher than the full original price of the item. Sorry, Black Fridayers--you'd be better off spending your day off eating leftovers and playing with the strange cat that wandered onto your property.

Another Birthday!

Ah, birthdays--they just aren't as special after you've passed the "big ones". Like, when you hit 13, you can call yourself a teenager; when you hit 16, you can drive; when you hit 18, you can vote and be tried as an adult (not as much to celebrate there!); when you hit 21 you can drink. Then it starts to go downhill until you're able to collect Social Security (and tell the young bastards who won't stay off your lawn that you plan to milk the system until they're taxed to oblivion).

Today I turn 35--the only thing special about that number is I can serve as President of the United States now. Weak! How about something more to look forward to? Like, legalize pot for everyone over 32, so you can look forward to that birthday. Legalize gambling for everyone over 35, so that birthday becomes a milestone. Pay no taxes for the year you're 37, so you can celebrate that. One free murder when you hit 40.

Of course, those other milestone birthdays are arbitrary anyway--what about being 16 makes you more able to drive than a 15 or 14 year old? (In some states the driving age is lower, and in other places like New Jersey it's actually 17, but this is because Jersey drivers are already awful). Why is a 21 year old able to drink responsibly but not a 19 year old? (Especially since we decided that 19 year old can vote, marry, go to grown-up prison, and fight in our wars. I guess downing a beer is a much more serious thing than starting a family, dodging Taliban bullets or helping decide the future of our country).

Still, I see 35 as a triumph--halfway to 70 when I can finally be a crazy old man!

Thanks

As I steel myself for a drive up the East Coast for Thanksgiving, I should take this time to think of all the things I'm thankful for this year:

1) I'm thankful to have a good income at a time when more than one in ten people can't find work (and a larger number have given up trying).

2) I'm thankful to have good friends and fambly who tolerate my constant airing of the grievances.

3) I'm thankful to be healthy despite a constant potato chip and beer diet. Oh, sweet sweet carbs why do you abuse me when it's so clear how devoted I am???

4) I'm thankful that Sarah Palin will always amuse us but never be in a real position to cause any harm.

5) I'm thankful that we live in a time of great television, where I can look forward to new episodes of It's Always Sunny and get great new ideas like filling a soda can with wine so it doesn't spill when I make violent hand gestures.

6) I'm thankful that I enjoy the simple things in life, like writing, painting, and filling Faberge eggs with gold flakes and tossing them from a yacht.

7) I'm thankful that New Jersey is not a longer state than it is. And that Delaware is even shorter. Horrible, horrible Delaware.

8) I'm thankful that the Redskins still suck and stupid Dan Snyder can cry in his little girly arms like the big doofus baby he is. Up yours, Snyder!

9) I'm thankful that women of today are much better looking than they were thirty years ago (what with their high waisted poofy pants and oversized fake eyelashes and ironed hair), though I'm sure men of thirty years from now will say the same thing about our women. Watch it, you young whippersnappers! Get off my lawn!

10) I'm thankful for Coke and McDonalds. Yes, I admitted it! Coke is like crack for me. By which I mean I buy it in secret on street corners and drink it in solitary shame.

11) I'm thankful for my thankfulness.

Keep the Tip, Said the Leper to the Hooker

Tipping is a sore subject for a lot of people who worked in restaurants, since anyone who had to depend on the voluntary tippage from a customer has at least once been stiffed, and then of course we see the other extreme where the service was nonexistent but a mandatory service charge was added to the bill, like in this case. Comments on such stories often get heated, with the two camps forming:

1) The "I wait tables for a living and if you don't pay at least 20% for your food you're scum and you'll get extra saliva in your drinks!" camp.

2) The "I'm tired of crappy service, you should consider yourself lucky if I leave change for a buck on the table when I'm done! And if you don't like it, get a new skill set!" camp.

3) The "I'm European and we don't tip in Europe so I'm not going to tip in the U.S., even though we Europeans like to mock Americans for not learning other people's cultures when we visit. By the way, so what if you saved us from the Nazis? What have you done for us lately?" camp.

4) The "Maybe tipping shouldn't be voluntary, but fixed into the prices and give servers higher salaries" camp.

5) The "What is this tipping you speak of? Should I have been leaving extra money on the table?" camp.

6) The "You're all idiots, you can get great food right out of the dumpsters." camp.

Regardless of the merits of dumpster cheese, it's good to run over the basic rules--tipping about 20% is normal, more for good service, less for poor service, and if the service is so bad you don't want to tip at all (say, if the server basically bites your arm) then you'll want to talk with management about it. 20% isn't hard to figure out--a buck for every $5, two for every $10--and when you're paying ask yourself whether you'd be happy receiving that amount of money for providing the amount of service provided (extra refills on drinks, adequate attention, carrying heavy steaming plates). After all, if it bothers you that the tip makes a $10 burger come out to $12 and tax, then there's always fast food. It ain't rocket surgery!

Ingeniousness!

Last Friday, a few of us got together for a Guy's Night (yes, I know one of the first rules of Guy's Night is to not speak of Guy's Night but as we know rules were made to be broken). A couple of the guys there were single so of course that meant the rest of us were more than willing to dole out advice on how to pick up women because of course who knows better than the guys who don't pick up women anymore? It's sort of like asking a Quaker how to kick someone's ass or asking a Muslim what to do with the crate of beer-soaked bacon that someone left at your house. Your house in Tel Aviv, that is.

Of course, most of my own advice had to do with "dropping that sensitive guy crap" and "never, ever wear knee socks" and especially "never ever listen to the advice of your female friends". I have had a number of female friends for a number of years, and never once heard any bit of advice regarding women that wasn't completely the opposite of correct, with the exception of something my friend Jen said once and I'm pretty sure she said it by accident. And that got me thinking.

Why is it that women will tell you stuff that if you actually did it you'd find yourself completely undate-able? Surely because these women are our friends, one would assume they have our best interests in mind! But then think of this--if we DID listen to their counterproductive advice (ranging from "share your feelings" and "be yourself" to "pink is a good color for you" and "there's nothing wrong with being a vegan even if you're a guy")--if we DID take it to heart, we'd end up growing old alone and have to move in with these female friends' families and living in the small apartment above their garages so we can babysit for their kids and help their husbands (who you better believe never shared their feelings, wore pink, or ate tofu!) fix the family sedan.

I'm on to you, ladies!

Thanksgiving Holiday Tips

As I like to give back to the community after taking so, so very much, I figured it's time for some more holiday tips--what with Thanksgiving coming up in a few days! After all, what should normally be a day of mirth and togetherness often devolves into a fit of screeching, screeching and more screeching. But some of it can be avoided by following some basic rules:

1) Avoid driving during peak hours. Yes, even during a recession you'll find yourself in a traffic jam saying "I figured the recession would make everyone stay home". Remember when gas was $4 a gallon a few years ago? There were still bad jams! And you marvel at the fact that so many people chose to drive at a time when they knew the roads would be crowded, until you remembered that you're one of those people.

2) Have an aunt who's convinced that the president is a secret Muslim, or an uncle who is still ranting about George Bush? Avoid political arguments with a sure fire all-purpose response: "You have interesting opinions and I'm sure they'll make it into some academic journal before long. But if I hear one more word about something you heard on Glenn Beck/Rachel Maddow, I will do something with this turkey leg that you never thought physically possible."

3) If you're one of those kind families that invites a lonely homeless war veteran to your home for the Thanksgiving dinner, make sure you give him a full psychiatric evaluation before you let him near any carving knives. A flashback from the Battle of Khe San could turn a pleasant meal into a test to see if the male relatives are capable of restraining a knife-wielding berzerker.

4) If asked to say "grace" try and leave out any references to our Dark Lord and whether there are any virgins at the table.

5) Do not show up with a bunch of tupperware and say "can't stay long, but you can put my share in these".

Twilight? More like Twi-wrong!

I've been pretty much insulated from the "Twilight" movie and book craze, largely because I'm a guy and I'm not 14 years old. So I can't criticize the films/books (or ideas behind the films/books) from any experience, but from the buzz around it it seems the idea is that vampires are brooding emo goth hipsters with moused hair and sparkly skin who fall in love against their will.

In other words, vampires are totally lame.

This is a terrible trend--the best vampires were the ghoulish, Nosferatu style tall white freakish blood suckers that glide through the dark and haunt our dreams. The sort of things that you'd lose your shit over if you saw them in your closet or basement. Why turn them all lame and mopey?

Some theories exist that the vampire legend is based on observing people reacting to having rabies--the legends apparently spread in the same times and places as major rabies outbreaks. Rabies symptoms--aversion to water and light, insatiable thirst, aversion to pungent smells (like garlic?), crazy behavior and a need to attack and bite people--are not unlike the symptoms attributed to vampires, and rabies, like vampirism, is spread through the blood. What does rabies NOT do to you? Turn you into a sullen teenager who wears black and has moussed hair and doesn't want to fall in love!