Monday, November 30, 2009

Another Birthday!

Ah, birthdays--they just aren't as special after you've passed the "big ones". Like, when you hit 13, you can call yourself a teenager; when you hit 16, you can drive; when you hit 18, you can vote and be tried as an adult (not as much to celebrate there!); when you hit 21 you can drink. Then it starts to go downhill until you're able to collect Social Security (and tell the young bastards who won't stay off your lawn that you plan to milk the system until they're taxed to oblivion).

Today I turn 35--the only thing special about that number is I can serve as President of the United States now. Weak! How about something more to look forward to? Like, legalize pot for everyone over 32, so you can look forward to that birthday. Legalize gambling for everyone over 35, so that birthday becomes a milestone. Pay no taxes for the year you're 37, so you can celebrate that. One free murder when you hit 40.

Of course, those other milestone birthdays are arbitrary anyway--what about being 16 makes you more able to drive than a 15 or 14 year old? (In some states the driving age is lower, and in other places like New Jersey it's actually 17, but this is because Jersey drivers are already awful). Why is a 21 year old able to drink responsibly but not a 19 year old? (Especially since we decided that 19 year old can vote, marry, go to grown-up prison, and fight in our wars. I guess downing a beer is a much more serious thing than starting a family, dodging Taliban bullets or helping decide the future of our country).

Still, I see 35 as a triumph--halfway to 70 when I can finally be a crazy old man!


  1. You got the half crazy part down. Happy birthday!

  2. Welcome to the presidential eligibility club!

  3. DF--thanks chief!

    Lacochran--thanks! Crazy like a fox!

    Foggy--we can now run as a presidential ticket!

  4. Brett--does this mean my future wife hasn't been born yet?