As I steel myself for a drive up the East Coast for Thanksgiving, I should take this time to think of all the things I'm thankful for this year:
1) I'm thankful to have a good income at a time when more than one in ten people can't find work (and a larger number have given up trying).
2) I'm thankful to have good friends and fambly who tolerate my constant airing of the grievances.
3) I'm thankful to be healthy despite a constant potato chip and beer diet. Oh, sweet sweet carbs why do you abuse me when it's so clear how devoted I am???
4) I'm thankful that Sarah Palin will always amuse us but never be in a real position to cause any harm.
5) I'm thankful that we live in a time of great television, where I can look forward to new episodes of It's Always Sunny and get great new ideas like filling a soda can with wine so it doesn't spill when I make violent hand gestures.
6) I'm thankful that I enjoy the simple things in life, like writing, painting, and filling Faberge eggs with gold flakes and tossing them from a yacht.
7) I'm thankful that New Jersey is not a longer state than it is. And that Delaware is even shorter. Horrible, horrible Delaware.
8) I'm thankful that the Redskins still suck and stupid Dan Snyder can cry in his little girly arms like the big doofus baby he is. Up yours, Snyder!
9) I'm thankful that women of today are much better looking than they were thirty years ago (what with their high waisted poofy pants and oversized fake eyelashes and ironed hair), though I'm sure men of thirty years from now will say the same thing about our women. Watch it, you young whippersnappers! Get off my lawn!
10) I'm thankful for Coke and McDonalds. Yes, I admitted it! Coke is like crack for me. By which I mean I buy it in secret on street corners and drink it in solitary shame.
11) I'm thankful for my thankfulness.