Black Friday, Bah Humbug!

The Thanksgiving hangover has hardly subsided before millions of extremely cheap and undignified people descended on the nation's retailers at 4 in the morning Friday to get good deals on electronics and appliances. These items would be often hoarded and resold at a markup, or given as holiday presents, or in some cases actually used by the buyers. But one thing is for certain--the bottom-feeders who camp out for these amazing deals are completely classless!

My vitriol for the Black Fridayers stems mostly from last year's incident where the hordes of cheap retards crushed a worker to death and the paramedics couldn't get to him because the people in the crowd didn't want to risk losing their spot in line and not getting the wonderful deals on flat screen TVs or whatever other nonsense they were trying to buy. While I can be influenced by a sale on an item I want just as much as the next guy, I'd like to think that even saving hundreds on an appliance isn't worth waiting outside a store for hours to get the item, let alone endanger another person over it.

While a "Black Fridayer" probably thinks that they're getting one over on the world by getting a Wii for half price, I can mathematically prove that they are not taking into account the true cost of what they're doing. Consider:

Cost of Item Sold on Black Friday = Discounted Price + Time + Human Dignity + Eternal Soul + Cost of Getting Lunch at Olive Garden Near Mall

As you can see, when you add up everything in this formula, that brings you way higher than the full original price of the item. Sorry, Black Fridayers--you'd be better off spending your day off eating leftovers and playing with the strange cat that wandered onto your property.