On TV This Christmas

For those of us trying to watch TV on Christmas Day, we usually have the same set of choices every year. Each choice works a lot better with plenty of wine.

1) A Christmas Story. A little piece of 1940's small town Americana, where a pellet gun can be the focal point of the holiday for a kid, and the greatest horror is getting your tongue stuck on a cold flagpole. (No, that's not a euphamism!) Ever since the first time I saw this movie, I've been trying to find a lamp shaped like a stripper's leg.

2) The Yule Log. Basically a camera shot of a burning log. That's it. You gotta be pretty drunk to enjoy this.

3) Scrooge. Classic film from the early '50s, based on the Dickens story. A hard working entrepreneur who made wise choices with his money and helped benefit society as a capitalist is villified by evil ghosts that want him to feel guilty because his whining employee "thinks it's too cold in the office" and "wants Christmas off to spend with his family" (with no real concern that maybe Mr. Scrooge wants some company at work and was too busy building the company that pays Cratchett's salary to get a family of his own, thank you very much!). The evil ghosts succeed, and trick Scrooge into giving away his money. What it doesn't show is Cratchett squandering the money on gambling and booze rather than an operation for Tiny Tim, so he can grow into a novelty act and get married on Johnny Carson many years later.

4) Spanish TV. Here you can see buxom, leggy women dancing around wearing Santa hats and very little else.

5) Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. If you ever had a childhood fear of claymation, it comes to life in this horrifying epic about talking deer and snow monsters and drunk mountain climbers. You need more wine.

Merry Christmas to all!

My New Christmas Carol, Part 3

So without further ado, here are the lyrics to what I'm hoping will be a smashing new Christmas hit, to be sung at office parties and door to door for many years to come, bringing me all sorts of song royalties that can be well spent on hookers and blow and copies of transcripts to episodes of Dateline NBC. (In case you want to know how the melody will go, I should inform you now that I don't really know what "melody" means and I have no idea how to write music. But the song will be something like "Ba da DA DA dum dum da da DEE DEE dee" if that makes any sense)

Lyrics to "Brando's Christmas Gloriousness":

As I sit here waiting, brimming with year end hatred;
Thinking about this awful fruitcake, which smells putrid;
I want to get through this awful season
And I don't need a reason
For why I'm turning atheist this year.

Chorus
Ring your damn bastard bells, you little cretins!
Make me get my shotgun, if I have to!
Because nothing makes me more pissed this season!
Than the sound of your constant screech!
Get me through this awful yule, because I have only one rule!
Let me have my bourbon in peace.

So I tried listening to my radio but all they would play
Is some godawful songs that make me barf on my TV tray
The smell of needles fills me with rage
And holiday-themed stories fill up the paper's front page
Why can't they let me be atheist this year

Chorus

So when the stocking finally come down
And the lights are no longer strewn about town
I can finally return the awful gifts I've been given
And spend my days ogling posters of Robin Givens
And hope they'll let me be atheist, next year

Chorus x2

My New Christmas Carol, Part Two

It was pointed out to me by my many commenters that in yesterday's post I left out many popular holiday tunes which could still be used at office holiday parties, since they're enjoyable and festive and don't have hateful roots. I'll dismiss these in turn:

1) Holly Jolly Christmas. This song was popularized by Burl Ives, who played "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", a movie based on a play by Tennessee Williams. Tennessee, as we know, is the home to Fort Knox, where we keep our gold reserves. Clearly this was the gold standard's answer to Silver Bells. I for one have no interest in currency wars! Take it outside, Greenspan!

2) Jingle Bells. The original version of this song was an ode to Chinese dictator Mao Tse Tung. Okay, just made that up, but it still sucks.

3) Sleigh Ride. This doesn't count because it is not in fact an enjoyable holiday song.

4) Oh, Christmas Tree. Many of you might know that this song was originally called "O Tannenbaum". What you might not know is that Meyer Tannenbaum was a vicious Jewish gangster who created a reign of terror over the Lower East Side, trying to prove that he could be just as ruthless as his Sicilian counterparts. The song's original lyrics were "O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, please stop torturing me, with your spikes, and broken glass, and that thing, you shoved in my ass...." Hardly appropriate for the holidays!

5) Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Sounds like a nice song, until you realize that "Santa Claus" was a code word for the Hungarian Communist Secret Police, and frequently when they "came to town" it meant death and destruction. My kids don't need to lose their innocence with this song!

I think I adequately demonstrated that the current holiday tunes are just not up to snuff. So, in my next post, I bring you--a new holiday song for the ages.

My New Christmas Carol, Part One

Every year I never receive what I really want for Christmas, which is tons of money coming in from music royalties. There seems to be a simple fix--write a holiday song, and get it licensed out at office holiday parties! After all, just a nickel per party and I'll be waist deep in hookers and blow in no time.

The trick is to convince people that my holiday song is much more acceptable than the more popular ones. It shouldn't be hard:

1) Silver Bells is a pointless song sponsored by the silver industry, in an attempt to get us off the gold standard. Hey, send this back to 1896 when people gave a damn!

2) White Christmas is a racist, anti-black rant, meant to celebrate white supremacy and hold back minorities. Sorry, I want no part of that, Hitler!

3) Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer--clearly the red nose is masking Rudolf's alcoholism, and the song is about enabling his drinking problem. No sale, folks!

4) The Little Drummer Boy? This is really about child warriors, which considering recent happenings in Congo and Liberia, is in truly poor taste. Forget that, pal!

5) Silent Night--this song is about the suppression of free speech. Not this time, haters!

So, the holiday standards are clearly no good. What exactly then would be an acceptable song, free from any legacy of hatred and servitude? Stay tuned, as my next post will feature a song that you'll be hearing at many an office holiday party in the coming years....

Goddam Snow

DC rarely gets as much as two feet of snow in one day, but when it does happen the city is about as well prepared for this as Miami would be. A short trip across town to attend a wedding became a long series of fits and starts, as our friends' car could not get traction on the unplowed roads and more than once we needed random strangers to help push from the outside. Ultimately, when the ordeal was over it was time to wait out the blizzard with mint juleps and Conan the Barbarian.

Of course, I had my share of snowstorms in Maine, where the sidewalks are a packed-snow mess for four months out of the year, and they have yet to implement my ideas for dealing with it like heating coils under the roads and sidewalks and building a network of underground tunnels leading to the bars and restaurants. Something about "lack of funding" and "logistically impossible" and "please put down that hammer". I guess snow is just one of those things we have to suffer through.

20 Years of Simpsons

Twenty years ago yesterday--December 17th, 1989--a new TV show debuted on Fox, a network that was only two years old. This show was about a cartoon family, which had been featured in animated shorts on a short-lived sketch show for British commedian Tracey Ullman. This new show was called "The Simpsons".

Now, I took to the show pretty quickly--it was hard not to like the troublemaking kid and the idiot father, not to mention the various side characters who developed over time--Moe, the pathetic lowlife bartender, Barney, the chronic drunk, Mr. Burns, the evil capitalist boss, Chief Wiggum, the corrupt and incompetent police chief--and I watched the show regularly when it aired Thursdays and later on Sunday nights. I quoted Homer Simpson in my high school graduation speech, and in college the gang watched the show together in awed silence so that we wouldn't miss a funny line.

It was a show that started off pretty standard, and found its legs quickly, becoming absolutely hilarious for a several season stretch. Since the glory years of the early and mid-90s, the show has had some weaker episodes--often signs of weakness are gimmicks such as guest stars playing themselves ("hey, R.E.M. just happened to show up in Homer's garage!") or sending the Simpsons to some foreign country for quick sight gags ("hey, the Simpsons are now doing the samba in Brazil!"). "Thoughtful" or "political" episodes are generally weak too--Lisa Simpson should serve as a foil for Bart's troublemaking and Homer's latest bad idea, rather than the focus of an episode, and I don't need to see Marge's sister come out as a lesbian to know how I feel about gay marriage. But on the whole, the show has retained it's charm over the years, staying funny most of the time and frankly, even its weaker episodes are funnier than most of what's on TV now.

The Simpsons will shortly surpass "Gunsmoke" as the longest running prime time non-news show, and I figure by now they must have produced over 400 episodes--this means if you were to have a "Simpsons marathon" and watch every episode back to back, it would take you 200 hours, or over 8 days. Non-stop!

Consider--when the show started, George Bush SENIOR was in the first year of his term, Gorbachev was still heading the USSR, and Michael Jackson was just considered "a bit weird" rather than full-on crazy. No one had heard of Bill Clinton, and the Internet was a primitive form used only by high end techies. Hair metal bands were still the rage, and Johnny Carson and David Letterman were still on NBC. It was the Russians who were getting out of Afghanistan, not us getting further into it. And European countries hadn't developed the "Euro" yet--you'd have to get "francs" and "lire" and "deutchsemarks" when you travelled there. The Simpsons has been something most of us have grown up with.

Here's hoping for more great episodes ahead. It's been a good ride.

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Thankfully, so far I have yet to contract the flu (knock on fake wood desk; why is this obviously not real wood desk painted to look like wood?). But considering so many people I work with have kids, it's only a matter of time before the dreaded virus makes its way around here. Of course, it won't spread quite so quickly if the people who catch the flu follow the universal tips:

1) When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow. That way if anyone tries to grab you by the elbow they get a handful of snot. They'll soon learn to grab you by the hair instead.

2) When travelling on a train or plane, wear a surgical mask. It not only stops colds, but chicks will think you're a doctor! I smell a love connection!

3) Stick your toothbrush in the dishwasher to sterilize it. Nothing sterilizes a toothbrush better than getting bits of used spaghetti sauce on it. Then go buy a new toothbrush, you cheap bastard.

4) Did you know that people are more likely to get germs from door handles than anywhere else? Make a habit of kicking open the door instead. Your co-workers will thank you!

5) If you really don't like a co-worker, feel free to cough and sneeze all over him. Giving someone the flu is sort of like punching them, except you don't go to jail!