So without further ado, here are the lyrics to what I'm hoping will be a smashing new Christmas hit, to be sung at office parties and door to door for many years to come, bringing me all sorts of song royalties that can be well spent on hookers and blow and copies of transcripts to episodes of Dateline NBC. (In case you want to know how the melody will go, I should inform you now that I don't really know what "melody" means and I have no idea how to write music. But the song will be something like "Ba da DA DA dum dum da da DEE DEE dee" if that makes any sense)
Lyrics to "Brando's Christmas Gloriousness":
As I sit here waiting, brimming with year end hatred;
Thinking about this awful fruitcake, which smells putrid;
I want to get through this awful season
And I don't need a reason
For why I'm turning atheist this year.
Ring your damn bastard bells, you little cretins!
Make me get my shotgun, if I have to!
Because nothing makes me more pissed this season!
Than the sound of your constant screech!
Get me through this awful yule, because I have only one rule!
Let me have my bourbon in peace.
So I tried listening to my radio but all they would play
Is some godawful songs that make me barf on my TV tray
The smell of needles fills me with rage
And holiday-themed stories fill up the paper's front page
Why can't they let me be atheist this year
So when the stocking finally come down
And the lights are no longer strewn about town
I can finally return the awful gifts I've been given
And spend my days ogling posters of Robin Givens
And hope they'll let me be atheist, next year