On TV This Christmas

For those of us trying to watch TV on Christmas Day, we usually have the same set of choices every year. Each choice works a lot better with plenty of wine.

1) A Christmas Story. A little piece of 1940's small town Americana, where a pellet gun can be the focal point of the holiday for a kid, and the greatest horror is getting your tongue stuck on a cold flagpole. (No, that's not a euphamism!) Ever since the first time I saw this movie, I've been trying to find a lamp shaped like a stripper's leg.

2) The Yule Log. Basically a camera shot of a burning log. That's it. You gotta be pretty drunk to enjoy this.

3) Scrooge. Classic film from the early '50s, based on the Dickens story. A hard working entrepreneur who made wise choices with his money and helped benefit society as a capitalist is villified by evil ghosts that want him to feel guilty because his whining employee "thinks it's too cold in the office" and "wants Christmas off to spend with his family" (with no real concern that maybe Mr. Scrooge wants some company at work and was too busy building the company that pays Cratchett's salary to get a family of his own, thank you very much!). The evil ghosts succeed, and trick Scrooge into giving away his money. What it doesn't show is Cratchett squandering the money on gambling and booze rather than an operation for Tiny Tim, so he can grow into a novelty act and get married on Johnny Carson many years later.

4) Spanish TV. Here you can see buxom, leggy women dancing around wearing Santa hats and very little else.

5) Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. If you ever had a childhood fear of claymation, it comes to life in this horrifying epic about talking deer and snow monsters and drunk mountain climbers. You need more wine.

Merry Christmas to all!