Every year I never receive what I really want for Christmas, which is tons of money coming in from music royalties. There seems to be a simple fix--write a holiday song, and get it licensed out at office holiday parties! After all, just a nickel per party and I'll be waist deep in hookers and blow in no time.
The trick is to convince people that my holiday song is much more acceptable than the more popular ones. It shouldn't be hard:
1) Silver Bells is a pointless song sponsored by the silver industry, in an attempt to get us off the gold standard. Hey, send this back to 1896 when people gave a damn!
2) White Christmas is a racist, anti-black rant, meant to celebrate white supremacy and hold back minorities. Sorry, I want no part of that, Hitler!
3) Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer--clearly the red nose is masking Rudolf's alcoholism, and the song is about enabling his drinking problem. No sale, folks!
4) The Little Drummer Boy? This is really about child warriors, which considering recent happenings in Congo and Liberia, is in truly poor taste. Forget that, pal!
5) Silent Night--this song is about the suppression of free speech. Not this time, haters!
So, the holiday standards are clearly no good. What exactly then would be an acceptable song, free from any legacy of hatred and servitude? Stay tuned, as my next post will feature a song that you'll be hearing at many an office holiday party in the coming years....