One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Thankfully, so far I have yet to contract the flu (knock on fake wood desk; why is this obviously not real wood desk painted to look like wood?). But considering so many people I work with have kids, it's only a matter of time before the dreaded virus makes its way around here. Of course, it won't spread quite so quickly if the people who catch the flu follow the universal tips:

1) When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow. That way if anyone tries to grab you by the elbow they get a handful of snot. They'll soon learn to grab you by the hair instead.

2) When travelling on a train or plane, wear a surgical mask. It not only stops colds, but chicks will think you're a doctor! I smell a love connection!

3) Stick your toothbrush in the dishwasher to sterilize it. Nothing sterilizes a toothbrush better than getting bits of used spaghetti sauce on it. Then go buy a new toothbrush, you cheap bastard.

4) Did you know that people are more likely to get germs from door handles than anywhere else? Make a habit of kicking open the door instead. Your co-workers will thank you!

5) If you really don't like a co-worker, feel free to cough and sneeze all over him. Giving someone the flu is sort of like punching them, except you don't go to jail!