My New Christmas Carol, Part Two

It was pointed out to me by my many commenters that in yesterday's post I left out many popular holiday tunes which could still be used at office holiday parties, since they're enjoyable and festive and don't have hateful roots. I'll dismiss these in turn:

1) Holly Jolly Christmas. This song was popularized by Burl Ives, who played "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", a movie based on a play by Tennessee Williams. Tennessee, as we know, is the home to Fort Knox, where we keep our gold reserves. Clearly this was the gold standard's answer to Silver Bells. I for one have no interest in currency wars! Take it outside, Greenspan!

2) Jingle Bells. The original version of this song was an ode to Chinese dictator Mao Tse Tung. Okay, just made that up, but it still sucks.

3) Sleigh Ride. This doesn't count because it is not in fact an enjoyable holiday song.

4) Oh, Christmas Tree. Many of you might know that this song was originally called "O Tannenbaum". What you might not know is that Meyer Tannenbaum was a vicious Jewish gangster who created a reign of terror over the Lower East Side, trying to prove that he could be just as ruthless as his Sicilian counterparts. The song's original lyrics were "O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, please stop torturing me, with your spikes, and broken glass, and that thing, you shoved in my ass...." Hardly appropriate for the holidays!

5) Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Sounds like a nice song, until you realize that "Santa Claus" was a code word for the Hungarian Communist Secret Police, and frequently when they "came to town" it meant death and destruction. My kids don't need to lose their innocence with this song!

I think I adequately demonstrated that the current holiday tunes are just not up to snuff. So, in my next post, I bring you--a new holiday song for the ages.