Friday, February 18, 2011

Damn Spiders

Having been long a fighter in the war against spiders, I can appreciate this brilliant, eye-opening article. Spiders are our ancient mortal enemy, and it is only through evolutionary luck that we evolved to be bigger than them (though certain spiders in Brazil have been coming close. Which is proof of another theory I have, that Brazilians have to be completely bonkers to share a country with spiders big enough to eat birds). It is due to my understanding of the spider menace that I have established my "jungle rule"--actually, it's far too serious for a rule. It's more of a "jungle commandment". That is, I never enter a jungle without a working flamethrower just in case I see a spider the size of a dog.

As the article notes, many hippies have tried to convince us that spiders are our friends, since they kill lots of other pests. Sure, I guess, until you consider that ever since we invented bug zappers we don't need these eight-legged menaces. When's the last time you walked into a web weaved by a bug zapper? When's the last time a bug zapper tried crawling up your leg? Answer that one, hippies!

But don't just take my word for it--notice that every place where large spiders are part of the natural habitat leads to a higher increase of crazy people:

1) Brazil. The presence of giant spiders has turned Brazilians into a nation of soccer-loving forest-burners.

2) Rwanda. The giant spiders may not have directly caused their ethnic cleansing, but I'm sure they didn't help matters.

3) India. That poor country has enough other crap to deal with, giant spiders too? Unfair!

4) Texas. They're all crazier in Texas! Comes from having to stomp tarantulas all day long.

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