Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Hollywood Movie Idea

Everyone complains these days that Hollywood turns out complete crap, and of course everyone is right about that.  Sequels, remakes, films based on previously made works like TV shows and comics--all of this is worthless garbage that is sadly a waste considering the resources that the film industry has at its disposal.  It's true that film is a business, and of course this means that the greasy-haired bottomfeeders at the major studios don't really care if what they make is any good, so long as (a) it's a safe bet to make enough in the U.S. to cover its costs and (b) there are enough explosions and famous faces to appeal to foreign audiences who don't care for American dialogue dubbed into their native languages. 

But every now and again the movie industry puts out something original, and it becomes a hit--a recent example being "Inception"--meaning there may be hope yet.  Allow me to suggest the idea for what could be the greatest film ever made, as well as having the virtue of not being based on any other previously made property.

The working title is "Bikers vs. Truckers" but of course we'd come up with something better, like "Crotchpunch" or "Road to Satan".  (And don't pretend you're too classy to go into a theater with "Cockpunch" on the marquee, because even the Queen of England would don a hoodie to sneak into that one)  The concept--the baddest biker gang in the West faces off against the brotherhood of truckers!  All while the State Police try to intervene.  Here's how it would go:

1) Hank "Blacktar" McCord is a Vietnam Vet turned trucker (this takes place in the Nixon years), who is approached by the mob boss of Denver to whom he owes the money in which he financed his rig.  The mob boss--Don Carmine--tells Hank he can forgive the remaining debt if Hank carries a load from Denver to Vegas, no questions asked, and no looking inside any of the crates--and if he can get it done in 48 hours.

2) Don Carmine also notes that Hank has a young son, and "it'd be a shame if anything were to happen to him."  When Hank asks if the Don is threatening the boy, the Don is offended--he was just remarking what a shame it would be if the kid got hurt!  Why does everyone have to assume nasty things all the time???  So Hank accepts the deal.

3) Meanwhile, a vicious motorcycle gang going by the name the "Dirt Devils" which has nothing to do with the vacuum cleaner company but is just a coincidence, is terrorizing a small roadside diner, particularly the young waitress who is working there, Lurleen.  The Devils end up wrecking the place, incapacitating the counterman and the cook, and are about to harm Lurleen--then they are stopped at the last minute by the head of their gang, a rough man with a mysterious past named Shank.  Shank takes a shining to the fiesty Lurleen, and decides to have her tied up and brought along with the gang when they leave. 

4) One of the female members of the gang, Marylou, is jealous of the attention Shank gives to Lurleen, as Marylou considered herself Shank's "number one girl" and is also secretly carrying Shank's child.  Marylou tells another female gang member, Spitfire, that she plans to have an "accident" happen to Lurleen.  Spitfire--who despite being a gang member is not without sympathy and was souring of the biker gang life--decides to free Lurleen and the two of them escape from the gang, headed down the highway on Spitfire's bike.

5) Spitfire and Lurleen, knowing the rest of the Devils will be after them, hightail it but soon run low on gas and are stuck begging for change at the nearest filling station--where Hank happens to be gassing up for his haul to Vegas.  They convince Hank to give them a ride with him, hoping to elude the gang.

6) Shank and the gang find Spitfire's abandoned bike at the gas station, and roughly interrogate the gas jockey until they find out their quarry escaped in Hank's truck--and they promptly give chase.

7) Hank, meantime, has been on his CB radio (this is the '70s, pre-cell phone) with his trucker brethren--and when they find out he's being hunted down by bikers they decide to take a break from their own hauls to come to the aid of their brother trucker.

8) Meanwhile, the State Police have been tipped off about the fact that Hank is hauling something big for Don Carmine--and they triangulate his CB signals in hope of heading him off at some point in the route.

9) What follows?  Well, nothing more than a running, cross-highway slugfest and shoot-em-up between a biker gang, a trucker gang, and the police, complete with hunting enthusiasts and a carload of college kids on a cross-country trip getting into the mix.  The culmination could be a battle royale in the middle of a small town in the Rockies.

If you tell me you have no interest in seeing a movie like this, you're lying to yourself.

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