How to Create Jobs

Usually, when we pore over the latest depressing jobs numbers in the paper, friends of mine ask me "hey are you eating that last muffin?"  Then, after I let them eat the last muffin, they follow up with "man, how can this country improve on its job growth?"  To which I usually reply with the following--a list of things I'd propose if I were president:

1) Require American Idol to have two competitions each season instead of one, so that the music industry creates twice as many superstars, meaning twice as many entourages, agents, personal groomers, parasitic fambly members, etc.  At one point the band ABBA was the second biggest earner in Sweden after Volvo (a guy running a fish store in Stockholm was number three).  This country could use hundreds of ABBAs!  If American Idol says "who are you to tell us our business" I'd point out that the FCC has a habit of losing people's licenses.  Shame if that were to happen to American Idol's host channels.

2) Make all the major professional sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL) double in size with expansion teams, or risk losing their antitrust exemptions from Congress and FCC broadcasting rights.  All those extra teams means a lot more jobs for players who otherwise wouldn't make the cut!  And these high earners also have entourages, etc. 

3) Legalize pot, license microbreweries at the federal level for fast tracking, and gambling and hookers as well.  That's got to create some jobs for someone, or at least provide enough vice for out of work Americans.

4) Let Michigan go.  It'd solve a lot of our problems.  Canada thinks they're so great, let's see how great they are with Michigan.

5) A massive public works project to bring enough dirt and rock to Florida to put a mountain range down the middle of that state.  Hear me out, this isn't as crazy as it sounds--the Floridians now have high ground during their hurricane season!  And nice views.  Plus, Kentucky won't miss all that dirt and rock.  They have plenty.

6) Massive highway tunnel connecting Stamford, Connecticut with Newark, New Jersey, so there's an express route connecting I-95 with the New Jersey Turnpike.  We can't tell the New Yorkers or they'd try to find the tunnel and put in an overpriced toll booth.

7) Allow anyone to immigrate and get full citizenship in one month if they have a job lined up in this country.  If they don't have a job we can put them on the Florida Mountain Range project, because something tells me American teenages are too busy skyping on the facebook internet to help out.

8) Tell anyone else who wants to immigrate that they can get immediate full citizenship if they kidnap and exile anyone from a list of Americans we'd rather not still have here.  This list includes: anyone on the FBI Most Wanted list, anyone within two degrees of separation of the Kardashians, and anyone who misuses the term "literally."