Thursday, September 20, 2012

Now Owning a Prius

Over the weekend I went out and bought a Prius, with basically one goal in mind--high MPGs.  With a new job starting next week that will require a lot of driving, the prospect of having to stop for gas less than half as often makes it worth it.  So far the car is great--and I have the following tips for any prospective Prius owners:

1) Accept the fact that there is absolutely no way to look cool in a Prius.  The Prius was simply not designed to look cool.  You could even paint flames on the side and attach cattle horns to the front, it's still going to look like you're apologizing to everything else on the road.

2) New car smell is great.  Avoid letting any of your grubby friends bring fast food into the car.  Fast food kills new car smell like nothing else.

3) You might want to put an NRA sticker on your bumper to help balance the fact that you're driving a Prius.

4) Gas mileage is great--around 50 mpg--and you can jack it up from there depending on how you drive (gradual acceleration and braking, etc.).  What makes it even better is there's a readout letting you know how you're doing mpg-wise, so you can adjust.

5) When going at very slow speeds (residential streets, traffic jams) the car uses just the electric motor, so it's whisper quiet like some ninja-car.  This would be a great car to stalk someone with.

6) Don't stalk people in your Prius.  It's illegal, and morally wrong! 

7) The Prius is a hatchback car, and one thing about a hatchback is that unlike a trunk you can't just put all your stinky smelly stuff in the trunk because it'll smell up the inside of the car.  Not that I condone disposing of bodies in other cars, but the Prius would be a terrible car with which to dispose a body.  This is why mobsters don't drive Priuses.

8) Plural for Prius is "Priuses".  Call it a "Priii" and people will think you're an idiot.


  1. Everyone knows you don't mix horns and flames. That'd just be gauche. Does it give you a sad "you're killing the planet" clown face if your mpg drops?

  2. Foggy - If your MPG dips too far, you get a graphic of a baby seal being clubbed by a Ford Excursion.

  3. Can you send me that graphic via email? Work blocks all the good sites here..

  4. I would drive badly just to see that graphic. I'd be drag racing Porches. It would be epic.

  5. The car also makes a sobbing noise whenever the driver votes Republican or listens to country music.

  6. The car has also been known to croon songs about the rainforest, self-destruct if you apply a Romney bumper sticker, and chain itself to snack machines to protest trans fats.

  7. It also powers itself on a superior sense of smug.