Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Picking Up Women, Part Three

So now it's been determined, you have no natural gifts, the various clever techniques for meeting women--which range from flashing fancy jewelry to using veiled insults--are not for you, and you've had very little if any luck with setups, mail order brides, online dating or being thrown drunkenly into a room with a member of the fairer sex. What now?

Now you are ready for Truly Brilliant Super Strategy. TBSS can be summed up as follows:

1) Prove you're a man in charge.

2) There is no Rule #2.

Now, what does this mean? How can you be a "man in charge" if you work data entry? Well, even the humblest civil servant can be "in charge" in that he answers to no one else. This is why we have the stereotype of women who love a man who plays by his own rules--because it implies he never has to listen to anyone else's rules.

A man in charge will do the following:

1) Decide the nature of the conversation with a woman he meets. She wants to ask him to put out that cigarette? A man in charge will tell her he feels like getting a taco later.

2) Make his approach unexpected, and commanding. Because men in charge have their own rules, they won't use the usual "pickup lines". If a man in charge asks you what your sign is, then it's because he's genuinely interested in astrology, dammit!

3) Accordingly, he won't use "pickup lines" at all--if he wants to talk to a woman, he says "okay, I've decided to have the next few minutes of conversation with you. Go." If the woman doesn't start conversing then and there, he says "Is that the best you've got???"

4) A man in charge wears shoes, not sneakers. Unless it's 1999. These days men in charge don't wear sneakers.

5) A man in charge listens more than he talks. I guarantee you don't have anything all that interesting to say anyway--so don't try and impress women with what you don't know. You're in charge! Let them do the talking. Your responses should be concise, in one word answers! Better yet, reply with nods and head shakes.

6) A man in charge doesn't order anything specific at restaurants and bars. He says "A beer," or "an entree". When the bartender/waiter asks for specifics, the man in charge says "surprise me". Men in charge enjoy surprises.

7) A man in charge won't try to impress women by showing off. Why do that? You're in charge! Face it, you're either (a) not impressive so you'll seem fake or (b) actually impressive but seem to be trying too hard. Women like guys who seem to be a prize worth winning, not someone who seems to be making a sales pitch. You know how you'd feel if you were shopping for a car and the salesman keeps talking about how great a car is? You start to wonder what he's hiding.

8) When a man in charge answers the phone, he doesn't say "hello". That's weak! He says one of the following: (a) "Go", (b) "Begin", (c) "talk to me", (d) "now", or (e) "You got one minute, make it count".

9) A man in charge doesn't try to appear like a "nice" guy. If he's actually nice, people will discover that in time. But you don't lead with "nice". That's like a friend telling you about a girl he wants to introduce you to and saying "she has a nice personality" before anything else.

10) Mainly, a man in charge doesn't have to actually be in charge--he just has to think like he's in charge. Mind over matter, and it wins every time.

Now, you're probably thinking--"but wait! I know many guys who are follower-types, and they get girlfriends!" This does happen, but I can assure you that those guys had some "man in charge" quality that the women saw in them, and that the women in their lives are with them despite, not because of, their follower traits.


  1. I actually think there's a lot of truth to this, satirical as it may be (or not). When I was having my Summer of Girls Who Kept Throwing Themselves At Me(TM), I would say I was borderline arrogant. Chicks loved it. Possibly because I told them to. See? There I go, doing it again.

    As a result of some other things, I lost my swagger and have never been the same since.

    But #5 wasn't always true. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't. I think it may have had something to do with age. Younger women liked to hear me talk, older women (than me) liked to see me listen.

    #4 I also somehow subverted. Yes, I did meet one girl who told me she knew I was "serious business" just because I was wearing some fancyboy Euroboots, but I wear sneakers 99% of the time..

    Sexist? Maybe. True? Actually, yeah. Do I yearn for arrogance again? Maybe just a touch of it.

  2. J--yep, it's all about establishing a sense of power. People are drawn to strength! As for #5, talking a lot won't necessarily hurt, but it's preferable to get them to do the talking. This both pleases them--after all it makes them the subject of the conversation!--but also puts them in the position of making a "pitch" to you, intended or not. Sort of like a job interview!

    As for #4, again, sneakers aren't a dealkiller--but unless you're actually playing some sport, you're better off with shoes.

    Malnurtured Snay--thanks!