Monday, September 14, 2009

What did Delaware? Not much!

Here's what sucks about Delaware. Everything! They charge you a high toll for passing along a federally funded Interstate highway for what's about fifteen miles. (Somehow, Florida is able to maintain a 300 mile stretch of that same highway without charging a toll on it.) And their license plates proudly list Delaware as "the First State". Well, whoopty freaking doo, jackasses! For being a state longer than anyone else, you really have nothing to show for it! Let's look at the other original states:

1) New York. Produced the Roosevelts, Alexander Hamilton, the Big Apple.

2) New Hampshire. Live Free or Die! Cheap booze too.

3) Massachusetts. John Adams, Boston, clam chowder, Cape Cod.

4) New Jersey. The Sopranos, everything from Kevin Smith, Atlantic City. Also, per capita the wealthiest state in the country today.

5) Rhode Island. The littlest state! And Family Guy, and the Farrelly Brothers.

6) Connecticut. Yale, wealthy blue bloods, William F. Buckley, Martha Stewart, and if you pronounce the state's name wrong it sounds dirty.

7) Pennsylvania. Ben Franklin, the nation's first capital, lots of great football players (Namath, Montana, Unitas), those Amish, and the Cheesesteak.

8) Maryland. Crabs, Edgar Allan Poe, that Blair Witch.

9) Virginia. Civil War sites, Robert E. Lee, Washington, Jefferson, and Madison.

10) The Carolinas. Top notch college basketball, pork-based barbecue, tobacco, hilariously awful segregationists.

11) Georgia. Gone With the Wind, Coke, Otis Redding, Martin Luther King.

12) Delaware. Hmmm. Joe Biden?

Up yours, Delaware. Consider your statehood revoked.


  1. What a second now, Delaware brought you the finest beer in all the land, Dog Fish Head. I would absolutely keep Delaware around for that reason alone. And with The Sopranos no longer giving us new material, I would nuke Jersey, I'm just saying...

  2. That should read "wait a second" not "what a second"...

  3. Don Marco, "What a second" is going to be my new catchphrase. Maybe they can leave the brewery when we get rid of Delaware?

  4. You forget that Delaware just legalized sports gambling! And they also have no sales tax.

  5. DF--so Delware is the New Hampshire of the mid-Atlantic?

    Sounds like we have some Delaware boosters here! Maybe they need to hire you guys to improve their image!

  6. At least that 15 mile stretch of highway never has any traffic. OH WAIT.

  7. But Delaware gave us nylon. And Gore-Tex. The first beauty pageant too. And, per capita, it has the most individuals holding doctorate degrees of any state in the nation.

  8. No sales tax. And really, what could replace Wilmington?

  9. J--if it were at least a smooth and scenic 15 mile stretch, I could understand the toll...

    Anonymous--sounds like you need to be on the Delaware Promotion Board!

  10. You forgot to list what Maine has to offer...or is that a sore subject? I must say, when we drove down last, I was particularly miffed by the toll and how much that toll was. Ridonk!

  11. Chole--nope, Maine has much to offer--but I left it out as it wasn't one of the 13 original states (same with Vermont, which at the time was part of New York). I never understood why the Supreme Court never ruled that an insanely high state toll booth on an Interstate was not an unconstitutional violation of the Commerce Clause (under the Dormant Commerce Clause theory), until I remembered--the Supreme Court are a bunch of hacks!

  12. My brother, who went to the University of Delaware, once passed along this bit of information: For every person living in the state, there are 300,000 chickens. So, basically, the state is covered in burnt feathers and chicken shit.

  13. FoggyDew--that's good to know for next time I'm hankering for some chicken! I'll watch out for the poop though.

  14. I note also that the other possibility is combining Delaware and New Jersey into an independent country and walling it off. Of course, we'd have to build an interstate that goes over this country, very high over it.